I just flipped out...

[itsmytime]

My cell phone stopped working and all of the sudden a fear inside of me came out. My dad normally calls me often and if he can't reach me he worries. The anxiety of not being able to reach anyone just made me flip out. It was like I was in an emergency at that moment and I couldn't find a way out. I was never like this ... now I am cautious about everything and I hate it. I used to be able to not care about something like that. I don't like that feeling .... , I got a hold of him and was yelling at him for no reason... Yelling at my dogs during.... Now all I feel is guilt and sad.

[Hidden]

Hi it's my time.

Your Dad is obviously loving and caring he will understand. As for your dogs (we have two) they will forgive they always do. I have been there when my puppy jumps up and catches my self harm wounds. The wounds are my fault not hers and she is just a puppy I get that you feel guilty but don't let it make you sad. That won't help anyone I believe dogs know when we are sad and it effects them. Hope you are feeling a little better.

M

[itsmytime in reply to Hidden]

Yea I think my parents and pups get me. I just dont want to be this way anymore. I always hear people say you have to do the work in order to make things better. I have done the work on every aspect and this still happens. Hopefully things will get better...

[Hidden in reply to itsmytime]

This is what worries me. I read everyones' experiences and I haven't even started therapy. There is this date looming and I really do not want to go. I will because I hate being like this. I am tired of being like this. Also I have been told initially it will be very painful. What worse than this please no. How much more can a person take.

[crazytater in reply to Hidden]

margaret55. unfortunately it sometimes does get worse. But hopefully your therapist will give you some kind of coping skills before they dig up the yuck. You can do it.

[Hidden in reply to crazytater]

Thanks Tater

[Hidden in reply to crazytater]

crazy t you have a positive outlook and a cool sense of humor. I am kind of ok right now. In a damaged sort of way. I know I am a coward but I do not want to raise the whole bullshit with some stranger. I have opened my wounds and now feel crap at the thought of this. Because of my career I know they will not be the answer. Nor can they rescue me

[crazytater in reply to Hidden]

I am clueless about the whole career thing. I have been a stay at home mom, my kids entire life.Ttalk about losing one's identity, it doesn't take trauma to do that! Ok hope that didn't sound bad? I don't think I could go back to work at this point. I wanted a career. I wanted to go to culinary school, and be a chef. Never happened. I did own my own bakery place for a very short time, before I closed up shop. Fortunately I broke even. My new motto became if you have to do it for a living it's no longer fun. Kind of sad. Well margaret whatever you do decide to do, we will support you. You can only do what you are capable of doing at this time. I have been on both sides. I buried it for many years, I was dysfunctionally better. That didn't work for me. So am trying the other side. Going to keep soldiering on for as long as possible. I am hoping to get some clarity on all the jargon, and therapeutic language. Sometimes even what seems to be obviously simple to understand, I look like a deer in the headlights. Thank goodness for the therapeutically seasoned peeps on here to help us through it.

[Hidden]

I recently had a meld down about something that seemed so tiny. When I was talking to my therapist about it, I felt so ashamed that I had to talk about it. It was about how I dress to go to work. Triggers are like that sometimes. One day someone can talk about how I dress and I laugh it off with no problem and the very next day the same thing can be mentioned and I deflate like a punctured balloon. I really do not care what my clothing looks like. So weird. I am not sure how I got triggered, but when I do get triggered, I feel like an insane person. I literately wanted to commit myself to a facility for someone talking about my cloths. I really hate PTSD. I found I have to talk about the event even though I feel silly about it. It helps me to try to understand why it happened but a lot of the time I do not get an answer.

Please believe me that you are not alone, margaret55. Your "incident" was much bigger than mine but all the feelings seemed to be similar. I think you talked about it here and like others have said that learning a few extra tools to deal with the next one that work for you will help. Hopefully there will not be a next time.

[crazytater in reply to Hidden]

That is interesting degn8er. I call it dressing like einstein. Didn't he wear the same style of clothes every day? like Steve Jobs did, and Mark Zuckerberg? I do it mainly in the winter, jeans and a long sleeved grey t shirt. In the summer I wear black workout shorts, and usually grey t shirt, every once in a while, I will throw in a hot pink t shirt, just to throw the neighbors off! So what is so different about the way you dress if I may ask without triggering you my friend? You don't have to by any means.

[itsmytime]

I think that this anxiety come from knowing my attacker is still out there somewhere. Its like I'm holding my breath waiting to breathe. Staying in safe places, being prepared, having a way out.... When those go out of balance my whole world can shift and for that moment in time everything is so dramatic.