Should I Be The Bigger Person?

[HealingWillow]

*******POSSIBLE TRIGGER WARNINGS*********

*******(family abuse, physical abuse, suicide mentions*******

For as long as I can remember, I've had to be the bigger person from my father. Whenever he was mad at me and would hit me or something along those lines, I would have to apologize to him. Not only because my dad NEVER apologizes, but to "keep the peace within the family", or however my mother said it. And that mind set is still stuck, so even though I'm really upset with my dad I feel like I need to reach out to him to wish him a 'happy fathers day'. Even though he's always made fathers day a really horrible 'holiday' for me, (long story short he used the day as an excuse for some bad things) I feel like its my duty or something.

I'm upset at my dad because ever since middle school, I've struggled with suicide attempts, and he's a large factor for the first several attempts and my self harm tendencies. I shared a picture on Facebook (showed in post). He commented on my post (which he never does, already making this kinda weird) "yay for you". No emoji, or anything else. Just "yay for you". Knowing my dad, I KNOW this is sarcasm. He doesn't mean it in a kind or comforting way, he never does.

Due to that and the way we interacted last time I saw him (him indirectly threatening my gf and I) I decided not to take the 3 hour drive (6 hours both ways) to go see him and my other family members today.

I know it could just be my mindset, or I could be over reacting about all of this. But I wanted some opinions. Should I be the bigger person and text him "happy fathers day"? Or just not say anything.

Thank you for reading

[Lindyloo53 Volunteer]

I don’t think you should do anything that your heart is telling you not to do.You are not a child anymore and no longer have to hold the script in your hand “to keep the peace within the family”. Now you are an adult you have choices.

[hypercat54]

No. That's it - no. It's not about being the 'bigger person' but about protecting yourself from his toxicity. There is a big difference between this and protecting yourself. There is no reason on earth why you have to keep in contact with anyone who treats you like that. He won't change you know and he will never be the father you want him to be or that you deserve.

Put yourself first and I would at least go very low contact with him if not no contact. Maybe not permanently but until you are able to deal with his rubbish and it doesn't affect you like this.

You are very young yet so give yourself every opportunity to learn and grow and not let this man drag you down. You need positive people around you who will buoy you up and validate you, and one day though I know you will find this hard to believe, his treatment of you won't really matter.

[HealingWillow in reply to hypercat54]

Unfortunately due to my age I'm still on their insurance and he owns the car I'm currently driving. Until I'm financially stable (which won't be for a while due to a recent major surgery and unemployment not covering any of it) I'm not able to not talk to him or avoid him. Also I don't want to make him any angrier due to him knowing where I live and I know he will come down here if he wants to or gets upset enough about it.

[hypercat54 in reply to HealingWillow]

Is he helping you out financially as well as the car? Are you on his health insurance? If so I understand it is difficult to avoid him. The only thing you can do in this case is change how you deal with him.

For example can you avoid him on fb or is he on all your social media? Don't let him know anything (if you can) of what is happening in your life. Learn to recognise his patterns of behaviour so you can anticipate problems before they occur. Don't get into arguments with him and just stay as calm as possible.

I know this is far from easy but the idea is you can keep as much peace as you can and don't react to him. I know you are angry and rightly so but needs must sometimes. Look forward to the day you are completely financially independently from him as that will happen one day.

[HealingWillow in reply to hypercat54]

My mom helps out financially and am on her health insurance. As they are still married and live together, its hard to avoid him. Especially since once mom has helped me with financials, she asks me to come back "home" to visit for a few days. I still pay her back and all, but she asks that I come home before sending money. So then I do that.

I've blocked him on fb (the only social I had him on). I never have told him anything, but mom tells him and then I get a call or whatever he decides to do. I've already asked mom to not tell him but she doesn't believe he's hurt me so doesn't follow with what I ask.

[hypercat54 in reply to HealingWillow]

Oh dear that's difficult. I am sure you have shown your mum proof of what he says and does. The issue isn't really about whether or not she believes you but that she is disrespecting your wishes regardless. She can choose not to believe you but still not tell him things. She is clearly saying she doesn't respect your feelings.

To be honest I would avoid going home or for a few days, but if you do don't confide in her about anything serious in your life. This would be a shame but she is asking for it. You have a right to your privacy regardless of what she thinks.

You can always see her at your place or at a cafe or something instead and tell your business to those who can be trusted as you can't trust your mum. Loose lips sink ships etc. Good luck.

[Nathalie99 Partner]

It sounds like a manipulative behaviour from your father to force you to apologize, HealingWillow.

It is up to you whether or not you keep in contact however you can protect yourself with boundaries when you interact.

It sounds like he is making you take the sole responsibility for this situation and the resulting feelings of guilt might be a huge burden to carry around. Also, sometimes it can feel like "something bad is about to happen" and that's a danger situation.

Often children are made to feel guilty for no good reason just because the parents made their children feel like everything is their fault.

It shouldn't be this way. It wasn't your fault, he is the abuser.......

Maybe putting up boundaries and realising the patterns can help ease the burden...

[Wantstobewell]

I’m a believer that right now in this society to be a bigger person is a damaging thought to sincere relationships. It depends on how close of a relationship we have and what has happened and not only that your true self has questioned response so because of that I would say for you no don’t bother. Sorry sometimes relationships suck and no one should make you feel you did wrong or you should be a certain way how about you should be you.