I'm so mad at myself I can't quit crying. I already have enough on my plate as is. I have C-PTSD AND Stockholms syndrome, and am currently a live-in full time caregiver to my greatgrandmother with demintia, that is a daily struggle in it's own, this person was my fiance we lived together for about two and a half years. He was 27 I was 16 when The relationship began. I knew very early on I needed to get out but I was beated, humiliated, and terrified.
The break-up lasted about another 2 years of stalking,rape,physical and mental abuse restraining orders,jail time etc. every time I tried to leave I was beaten or strangled badly or had a gun put to my head or threats to kill my family. The whole situation haunts me every single day as is. I have good days and bad days but he's never truly out of my mind he controls so many aspects of my life I've tried therapy, I take medication I've been doing well. I saw him at the store today he smile at me and tried to speak to me as if nothing happened I ran out of the store like a little bitch in tears and I'm just so angry this stupid man has and Feel like forever will have control over my life. Our town is fairly small and he warned me I would have to leave or he would haunt my life forever, he's gotten me fired from jobs,tarnished my name in our community, I'm a basically a hermit because of the control I allow him to have over me. I need help. I'm so broken right now as if years of work have all went out the window the moment I saw his face. I know he is a coward of a man why can't I let his control over me go! I'm so angry at myself everyone around me believes I'm stupid they laughed at me even my mom. Sometime I feel so insane because no one around me will ever understand what Is going on in my brain. I feel so hopeless right now. I had such a great life before him and now here I am self destructing all over again and I HATE myself for it but I don't know how to stop. 😢😢😢