not been on for a bit, but oh my God. i need to let all this out or i will self combust! i have had fibro for many years, along with

arthritis and 2 heart conditions (neither one very serious).my daughter is supposed to be my carer, i am carer to my mum,(94). we have struggled on together for 3yrs since i tragically lost my son(another story) mum has had major and minor surgery recently, i have, as all of us fibro-folk, many appointments myself, and things have now reached breaking point. my daughter refuses to speak to my mum, i care for mum (apart from a lovely lady who washes her daily) and myself, and now also for my daughter, who seems totally unable to lead a normal life. she has no friends, goes nowhere, no job, i am at my wits' and. any advice please? all this stress is making me so ill, and now my daughter is so depressed she is talking joining her brother.i would appreciate any comments from anyone at this point. so sorry to moan and go on, but i have nobody i would burden with this face to face. xx

10 Replies

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  • Oh blimey no wonder you feel you might explode. Firstly if you daughter is saying things like that the first thing I would say is get her to the doctors and see if they can help her. It could help you if you could get out and about a bit to and meet people and then your whole life would not be totally wrapped in your family, I know this is not always possible. I have been in your shoes and I really feel for you. Maybe your gp could suggest fibro group in your area so you can get some face to face time and meet people who understand.

    Hard as it is you cannot change your daughters situation, only she can do that, but you can change yours. Good to be able to vent on here though and hopefully someone will have some good advise for you.

    xx

  • thanks devonlady for your reply, i will look into a group, so that is a positive thing i can do. i already took my daughter to the gp, who was very concerned, put her on meds and set up urgent counselling sessions but my daughter refused to go. also now refuses to take meds or go back to the doctor. maybe i will go in her place and see what i can do that way. i feel less alone now at least, thank God for this site!!! xx

  • Hello Mimsysmum, so sorry to hear of your struggles at the moment, it sounds very tough for you. It's a shame your daughter won't take her meds, I am sure she would feel better and more positive taking them. After all sometimes we all need a little help to raise our spirits etc. Try to gently coax her without laying too much pressure on or it will have the reverse effect. She is talking quite desperately at the moment and she really needs help and advice. She most likely cannot manage on her own right now.

    It sounds like you could do with a bit of help from your Doctor too, you are under too much pressure at the moment and need a bit of a crutch to lean on. If you are able to, pop along and talk about it to the Doctor and I am sure they will suggest something for you.

    You didn't mention if your Mother lived with you or nearby. Is she normally self caring apart from her daily wash, or do you have to do everything for her. This is really too much for you with your own health problems as well. Perhaps your Mother could have more care (a carer coming to her regularly throughout the day and evening) which would take the pressure of you.

    Just a few thoughts there. I hope things settle down very soon for you, you must be exhausted. Take care.

  • Have you thought of asking for a social services assessment to see if you can get extra help with all of your problems. My heart goes out to you all your situation sounds desparate your daughter really needs to take medication and have the councelling offered but I know from my own problems with depression it's hard to accept help. Anyway you take care and use this site to vent all you want sue x.

  • thank u all so much for taking the time to reply. my daughter and i had a very long and heartfelt talk today, and i think we are on a better footing now. we are struggling to nurture our relation ship since my mum came to live with us 3 yrs ago, just after my son's death. looking back i think it was the wrong decision to take her in, made in haste and under extreme pressure and grief. my daughter and i have agreed to take time to talk to each other more, and tell each other how we are feeling every day, so it doesn't build up. yesterday was like a volcano erupting in the living room! social services have done an assessment on me, also on mum, and i think it would be a good idea to ask for more help now. a carer cmes each morning to wash and dress mum, but thats it. i do the rest, and am struggling just to take care of myself with all the health issues ii have.we are hoping to get her in for respite care urgently, but its bank holiday so i can't do anything till tuesday now. i feel stuck in the middle, i desperately need to rebuild the relationship with my daughter, which before this, was really fantastic. at the same time i have an obligation to care for my mum. my sister had her for 8yrs, then couldn't cope any more so we had her here with us. our relationship has never been right since. i never ever have time on my own, except to visit my son's grave, and i am suffocating. so is my daughter and i have to throw her a lifeline. but how? i am the type to paper over the cracks, put on a brave face and pretend all is well. this has shown me it isn't. x

  • your right you need to get your mum into respite care as quickly as possible, both you and your daughter need it.

    Just make sure that you spend that time reconnecting with your daughter you both need each other right now. Before my health became too bad to work I was a carer looking after people with many different problems, including many that were coming to their last days, and i saw the pressure that their families were under.

    Also while doing this I was looking after my father in the throws of alzimers (sorry about spelling), and taking care of the youngest 2 of my kids and going through a nasty divorce.

    So I now how important it is to try and have some normality in your life, i found it hard enough even though my health was not great, but better then now.

    You and your daughter need each other more than anything now, so make the most of your time together. You both deserve it.

    love and hugs

    Sharon

    xxxx

  • you need more than what care is given you can ring for an emergency app't - the stress you are all under is not right and many would've crumbled well before now. my heart feels for you all and I just want to help but don't know how. the anti-depressants take a while to kick in, but the counselling will hopefully help sooner. just having someone to listen to how you feel does help, but only when your daughter is ready. just telling each other how much you love & care helps.

    loving thoughts,

    sandra

  • Well said Sandra, I couldn't agree more!

  • I hope you all have a calmer day today - but do see if you can get some more help punishing your self by being super human is not the way. Take time with your daughter today to talk and have a cuddle just show how much you are worrying for her good luck one step at a time x gins ( thinking of you)

  • thank you all. things are calm now, and we are conciously trying to keep it that way, i will let you know how we get on at the doctor's, if she agrees to come it will be great. xx

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