Partners mother

I have just moved in with my partner and my daughter and her fiancé as i needed to move from my 1 bed house where i have fallen too many times and found myself so scared that if i fell i would lie there for days and no one would find me. So we have all chipped in together me not so much as my benefits have now halved which means even more of a struggle. It was the only way for my partner and me to live together i have been with him for over 3 years now he is deaf and suffers from a type of agoraphobia/space phobia he works as an architects technician but his problems are that he can only travel or drive to very small areas close to where we live which can be quite restricting for the last year i could only see him every other weekend as i had to go and pick him up as he wasn't able to drive to where i lived but we got through it. However, his mum met me 4 times 3 years ago and for some reason instantly took a dislike to me on our first meeting she has slated almost all of her family and friends so i guess i realised what type of person she was anyway. But thought she would accept our relationship in time but this has got worse. One big problem is she lives in Swanage which my partner is finding the journey much too difficult at the moment and because i am not welcome down there then i can't drive him i even offered to take him and go and sit in a cafe or on the beach with my kindle whilst he visited but he said no way. We have lived together for one week now and he received a letter from her yesterday saying how evil i am and how she hasn't seen him in 3 months at the weekend we went to see his father who lives in the opposite direction of Wimborne (my partner can't drive there either) we went as his niece was in a singing competition and we bumped into his dad and youngest brother and his partner. On the way home i commented that if it got back to his mum it would cause problems. That evening he had a text from his other brother who lives near his mum and is supposed to suffer from depression but his is more an attention thing he loves everyone to be watching him takes part in plays and travels all over the place but cannot face work. This text was basically saying to my partner if you can get to wimborne swanage is not much further (well it is) what he seems to have not thought is that i was the one doing the driving he has also taken a disliking to me with his mother and called me names. How can these people judge me on 4 meetings 3 years ago. I have enough to deal with without the aggro that they are causing me. I just don't understand why they can't just leave us alone his mum is adamant that i don't make him happy well how can she tell that from 4 meetings. She visits poole several times a week but has never visited my partner he has spent 10 years since his divorce living in a room and now he has the whole of a bungalow to do his DIY on and take advantage of a whole house not just a room. Even the letter writing is an insult to me and it hurts to think someone thinks that of you. As it is i am not sleeping the pain has been worse obviously from the move and doing too much and this is just adding to the stress of everything else i have to deal with day to day. Ok sorry to go on rant over.

10 Replies

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  • Oh poor you,I think you deserve a rant! I have had a condition very similar to your partner and its truly horrid! I,m a bit better now, but I dread having to drive any longer distance than I have to. I had a really terrible panic attack whilst driving, so I have an idea of how he feels. However, I think you sound like a wonderful partner and there,s no doubt you make him happy! You sound a really lovely person, please don't take any notice of hi s family, the mother is probably guilty and jealous of the way you care for him, and he you. I,m sad to say there are nasty people about, just hold your head up and enjoy the time you spend together!

    With love. Sally. Xx

  • Thanks Sally that is the odd thing i really understand his problems but his family seem to be forgetting them and yet he has had them for a very long time and he has found himself being more and more trapped within areas that he can go and if he thinks about a trip somewhere then he has a massive panic attack I had never seen how he reacted until we were looking at the back of the place we have just rented it was before we had the keys at the bottom of the garden and over a fence there is one of the best views of the area and he had suggested we looked at the back green to see how secure it was because we have my daughters dogs (all 4 which is a nightmare) i was walking towards a wide opening and he was with me but suddenly stopped and the fear in his eyes was so clear so i spoke to him gently and calmed him down and we walked back to the car. He felt stupid afterwards and i reassured him not too feel that way I understand its a lot to do with his balance and his brain makes him think he is going to fall off the face of the earth as an intelligent man he knows that will not happen but knowing it and telling the brain its stupid to think it is a different matter. Ironically if his mother wasn't like she is over me i would drive him down there and he would see her more often. I have always wanted to travel and i know with him i can't but because i love him i am happy to give up some of my dreams and one of my sons has agreed to take me to Vegas and the Grand Canyon some time and maybe even Niagara I am lucky in that i have seen some of the world so its not as if I haven't and with my health there is no guarantees of me being able to walk and travel. I know he would never stop me going somewhere if the opportunity arose he is very supportive like that and very caring. xx

  • Hi michaelb62

    I sincerely hope that you are feeling more like your usual self now? I am so sorry to read that you have been forced to feel this way, by the illogical opinions of others but this is unfortunately what many families are like I am afraid to say!

    I would like to ask you two questions if I may? The first question is, would you really want to friends with these people after everything they have put you though and the way they have irrationally disliked you to date? If so, why? The second question is this, you and your partner clearly love each other and want to be together, so do these people, and their opinions actually matter to you? Again, if so, why?

    The only person we can ever truly pick in our lives, is the one we choose to fall in love with, everything after that is a bonus?

    All my hopes and dreams for you

    Ken x

  • Hi Ken

    I don't think i would like to be friends with them no but i guess its the thought of being accepted as his partner as his mother is having digs at him that he has changed and he is no longer the gentle person he was but he hasn't changed at all that is the strange part he is still the same as when i met him 3 years ago but she will not let him text her about things going on in his life such as things to do with the home or us so his texts have to be very bland and uninteresting talking about the weather or whatever as he is deaf he can't just pick up the phone and have a chat. In answer to your second question again it is probably acceptance and probably lack of self esteem on my account it makes you believe you are not good enough for someone and it hurts to think that people think that of you. I have been married twice and have never felt like this about anyone so if the feelings weren't there i would have split up with him a long time ago. He makes me laugh and he makes me happy but another difficulty is his ex wife who blows kisses at him and mouths that she loves him when i am standing right by his side I know he has no feelings for her whatsoever and wouldn't even see her if it wasn't for his son who he idolises who is now 18 but both of them are still treating him like a baby and not encouraging him to grow or mix with other people having raised 4 children myself I know he needs to get out there and gain a little confidence as he lacks it so much. I found a letter from his mother yesterday whilst looking for something for him and the whole thing was just saying how he shouldn't be moving in with me but where she refers to me she replaces it with a ..... and how his son doesn't like me, that they are his family and i have changed him and they are only wanting his happiness and they think he is just settling for me because he believes he can't do any better!!! It is very frustrating and hurtful. She wrote again this week and i asked him what was in the letter and he said much the same as before.

    I guess things will settle in time we just have to prove them wrong. Its difficult for him as he has to compartmentalise everyone to keep everyone happy which is no fun.

    Thanks for the support

    Jackie

  • Thank you Jackie, I genuinely hope that everything gets sorted for you. Please do not allow yourself to have low self esteem, as by placing this post shows that you care deeply. You are a worthwhile, amazing and wonderful person, so please do not believe otherwise.

    All my hopes and dreams for you

    Ken x

  • Hi there, i agree with ken, you and your partner chose each other, family is thrust upon you. It sounds a very good thing she lives fsr away as she does, it sounds like you would only have more upset if she was close by. Try not to waste your emotional by thinking about her. Good luck.

  • Thank you Shazzy for your support x

  • Morning Michael,

    I have just read your rant - no it wasn't a real rant it was just a pouring out of all the things you have been storing up over 4 years. I agree to have decided on someones complete outlook in four meetings at the beginning of a relationship some 4 years ago, well takes the biscuit doesn't it.

    You obviously suit your partner well and support each other at times of crisis. It is rotten when someones Mother decides what is what and at the end of the day it has nothing to do with her. So make your new life together in peace and harmony do not let the woman get between you.

    Aggravation makes us so much worse we start seeing things that are not actually there are pain multiplies ten fold so just take each others hands and agree that your lives are for you two to live and make the most of it! Good luck my friends it is goin to be a fantastic partnership xxgins

  • Thank you xgins,

    you are right the pain does multiply when in times of stress the whole move and everything that has been going on has multiplied mine anyway i seem to have been in a bad flare up for sometime now and can't get it back under control and i know this business hasn't helped. I have 3 sons myself and have never interfered with their relationships no matter what i have thought of their choices in fact one of my sons is dating someone now and they split up recently but then got back together but i feel he got back with her because he was lonely and was beaten up by a guy that he had never met after being set up on a blind date with a girl through his work he also has fibro and so does my second son and my daughter. But even though my son is back with this girl i accept her and treat her as i would treat anyone she is very hard to talk to but i continue and hope they will make each other happy. He lives up in Leicester as he decided to move away which is ironic as its where i actually originate from and my eldest moved up there as well but i haven't heard from him since last August/september as he hates the fact that i am disabled and doesn't want to know about it which he made perfectly clear in a telephone conversation when he got married last year he asked me not to use my crutches needless to say i wasn't pleased and used them as it had snowed and i said i would hardly use them 364 days of the year and then have a miracle on the day he married and not need them. Luckily the other 3 children do understand as they each have fibro so all know what it is like to live with day to day.

    Its always good to be able to come on here and put your thoughts and feelings down as it does help to vent and to have some sort of support from people who understand. I lay crying myself to sleep a couple of nights ago because of the pain of course being deaf my partner never hears me but he knows its bad at the moment as i am struggling to walk at all.

    Thank you everyone for all the support

    Jackie

  • How lovely to hear your wonderful love story! Best wishes to you both. You say that you will "just have to prove them wrong" and that your partner has to "keep everyone happy". I don't think that either of you have to do either of those things....it's not always easy but sometimes we need to take away the "have to's". Who says you have to?

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