sad loss of brother in law

my lovely brother in law passed away at 2.20am this morning, and i am in bits, he had cancer on his wind pipe which he was given very aggressive radiotherapty for, unfortunaltey, because he was so thin he had a stroke at the hospital in front of me in february, but they still carried on with the treatment, he was so so thin, 6'3" and weighed in at 45 kilos, there was nothing of him, even though my fibro is killing me i went to the hospital 3 times a day over the past 4 days with my husband (his little brother) my brother in law had a terrible time in that hospital and he had two falls resulting in him cutting his head open, i think thats what finally did it to him, i do not get why/how they didn't know he was missing from his bed, and that he had pulled his catheter out they think he hit his head on the radiator he was not monitored properly as far as i am concerned. i cant stop crying the pain in my body is the highest i had ever felt even on painkillers i am in agony, i am intollerably angry and heartbroken. my husband has been so relaxed its eerie and especailly loving thanking me for being there with him, what else would i have done i love him and will always support him even when he is being a complete bonehead. and believe me mcmillan nurses talk the talk but dont walk the walk, extremely hard to get in contact with - say they are going to keep in touch - they dont!!! and like to blame the patient and their families is my experience. i want to take complaint to the top but hubby seems reluctant, but something has to be done, the care side of our what was a wonderful nhs is sadly lacking, too many chiefs and not enough indians, so sorry for being so negative but truly this is how i feel, so depressed and i feel like i have failed him because i couldn't make it better, stupid i know, but that is how i am feeling.

I dont want to go to the doctors i am already on a high dose of antidepressants and they will only suggest upping them, they aren't much good anyway, all they do is fob you off with more and more pills. sorry, love and gentle hugs to my fibro friends who are the only ones who can really appreicate how i really feel xxxxxxxxxxxxx

19 Replies

  • So sorry to hear about your loss, you sounded very close to your BILaw, it's a very sad time for all the family , And all this stress is probably giving you a fibro flare up, on top of everything ,

    do take care, and look after yourself

  • I'm so sorry to read that. You've done extremely well. I offer my sympathy and lots of gentle hugs :)

  • So sorry to hear about your brother in law. Mine died about two years back of cancer of the ososphagus which is very similar. He was extremely fortunate to have private health care through his work so his treatment was good. If you get the right MacMillan nurse they can be great we had the same one for my father in law and my mother but she was the very old fashioned dedicated sort and was extremely helpful. I know my brother in-law was rather disappointed when he contacted them. I have given money to that charity for years and after that I am a bit reluctant to do so again.

    I know when my mother in law had poor treatment in hospital her son's were reluctant to make a complaint I think they were just mentally numb and by the time they started to really think about it it was really too late. I think with my brother being terminally ill they had enough on their plate. I tried to talk to them as I feel that praise should be given when it is due but when things go badly wrong the NHS needs to address it as if no one says anything the same mistakes will happen again . If you do want to make a complaint get the help of PALS

    I can imagine the shock and grief has thrown your fibro into a spin. Try to get as much rest as you can get. You will go through all the stages of mourning and one of those is to start to think we have not done enough fr a person regardless of what we have done so try not to beat yourself up about anything that has happened as it as beyond your control.

    Take care, go with the flow of your emotions rather than suppressing them. We are there for you if you need us.x

  • Hi there

    I'm so sorry to hear of your sad loss!

    I know exactly how you feel as over Nov-Feb my hubbys mum was very ill in hospital and we didn't feel she was cared for well, she died in Feb. Then my uncle, who was a lovely person and who loved life got lymph cancer for a second time, (he got it in his 30's and we all thought he'd beat it) in his early 60's. We're a very close family and my father had to get involved, as my uncles family felt he wasn't getting the right treatment and they weren't getting enough help/info. His treatment and family did get better help from NHS after my father got involved. Unfortunately, like your b in l he was very thin and unrecognisable when we saw him a couple of months before he passed away in March this year. It is a very stressful time for the family to see our loved ones suffering and then passing away. Sometimes we just have to accept it as part of life and let them go. Like you I cried, got even more depressed and angry, but this is part of the grieving process and it's better to get it out of your system. Like you it effected my fibro badly. I still get tearful when I think of him, but know, (as I lost 2 cousins, 1 aged 20 and 1aged 26), that time will make it easier to think of him and talk about him. Our loved ones will always be with us, as we will carry their memories and love in our hearts.

    Don't give up and remember, you're a human who has emotions to go through. You will and things will get better, just let yourself get over his death. We all cope differently, so just support your hubby and let him get over it in his own way. My dad seemed relieved at his brothers death, but I just think he couldn't stand to see him so very ill and suffering. I think like most men they want to solve things and when they can't they don't like it, so the end of the suffering is a relief.

    Take care and I hope when you start to get over the death you will start to feel a bit better health wise. You could try herbal tablets for the stress, like hemp tablets.

    My thoughts are with you at this very sad and painful time.

    Best wishes.

  • thank you for your kind words they are so appreciated. sorry cant right more too tearful love and hugs, thankyou xxx

  • Hi there,

    I'm so sorry to read about your sad loss, and that you're in so much pain, both physically and mentally. Take comfort in the way that you were there for you BIL and your hubby throughout this sad time.

    I hope that you can get someone to support you through the coming weeks as you are already in great pain, and you won't be able to pace yourself very well as there will be a lot to be got through in the coming days. So please look after yourself.

    My thoughts are with you and your family.

    GP. 💕

  • I am so so sorry for your loss. Sending soft gentle Hugs.

  • I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your brother in law. It is still very raw with you so you are entitled to a good old rant. Please look after yourself as you will need to be able to face the days to come. I'm sure he wouldn't want you to make yourself ill 🐸

  • I am so sorry for your loss and can only imagine how you feel.

    Big hugs

  • I'm so very sorry to hear about your sounds as if he was having a bad time in the end.I apoligize for the way you and your husband were treated st the hospital. It takes a special person to do that job and these didn't sound very special to me . Please take care of yourself.You know someone is always here for you my friend.Peck🌹🌹

  • I am so sorry for your deep loss. Words are senseless when death and its pain and sadness is overwhelming. No one can combat death. Doing all the things that you did, being there so regularly, caring so much & dealing with the lack of professional caring is all that you could possibly do. There is not one thing I can say to help your pain. I am thinking of you & hope that you are able to rest a little, Pixiewixie

  • I am so genuinely and sincerely sorry to read of this, and I would like to offer to you and your family my deepest and sincerest condolences. Please take care of yourself.

    All my hopes and dreams for you


  • Hi, so sorry to read your Brother in Law passed away, although you don't want to go to see a Doctor, would it help for you to see a bereavement Councillor , it's a hard enough time for any Family to go through this , let alone the FM. I really hope you can find some peace. Take care of yourself.x

  • I'm so sorry for your's very sad to lose a sibling....especially if they're younger than you. I lost my little sister to ovarian cancer on Christmas Day 2013 and I still have trouble accepting it. The night she died I had an awful fibro flare up...obviously the upset and the stress. She had decided to go into a hospice and they were brilliant. I'm not sure if she had a MacMillan nurse as I didn't see her very often....she lived a long way from me. But I do hope you improve soon....((gentle hugs)) XX

  • Hi sue32

    I am so genuinely sorry to read about your sad loss also, and I wanted to sincerely wish you all the best of luck.

    All my hopes and dreams for you


  • Oh hi Ken...I didn't realise it was you! I've been out of touch for a long time....illness! This year has been a rubbish one for me so far - January and February I had non stop colds, then I had a bad flu-like virus, then I had what I thought was a frozen shoulder but it turned out to be a clavicular abscess!! Hospital for 2 weeks for IV antibiotics then home with 2 more weeks tabs. Then to top it all I had a bad fall last Saturday which has left me with quite a large haematoma on my left leg!!! Talk about 'it never rains' or what!!! Forgive me for prattling's soooo lovely to be back and to hear from you!!! XX

  • Hi again, I am so genuinely sorry to read that you have had such a tough time, and I sincerely hope that you are over the worst now my friend?

    I had a bad fall on Monday whilst in the garden. I have a lovely black eye for my troubles and bruised all down my right side.

    Please take care of yourself.

    Ken x

  • Oh no!!! Poor must be something in the water!! Lol!! Take care....XXX

  • Thanks x :)

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