Back again :-( :-( with sad news

Hi everyone,, i have had a very gruelling weekend into this week.and have very much missed being able to nisit the site!

I went to see my Father who was in hospital,and in a dreadfful state on an HDU ward - but that was the wrong thing - he didn't want me there, so back to Devon I came on Sunday evening.. Whilst I wad there I managed to organise a ripple bed for him as he was getting bed sores (which to my mind are only a sign of BAD nursing !!) I then got a call from my control freak of a brother on Tuesday morning saying that Daddy had taken a turn for the worse and I should go up again (this is a 380 mile round trip and driving that distance is hideous for me) anyway, I said I would not go up again as I thought it would only make my father more anxious again, which he didn't need. Anyway he passed away at 10.30 on Tuesday evening. Now I feel awful.....the stress has kicked the fibro into top gear and my B++++ brother is busy making me as upset as he possibly can, I honestly don't believe the way people think some times !!

Earlier today my borther asked me to think of Hymns and readings for the funeral (as I am the only one in the family who has a faith) but hey ho....no......Jonathan has thrown out all my ideas - it feels like I just don't matter in any shape or form and I have no one to turn to support and for some understanding. The feeings of rejection are so hard rto handle :-(

Sorry for the whinge but as you are all such lovely people, I thought you might understand. muchly dottii xx

32 Replies

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  • Dottii I am so sorry to hear your news, please do not feel bad about not going back to see him, you would have felt even worse had you gone and he had said he didn't want you there again. My last contact with my father when he died was unpleasent and I can totally empathise with the negative feelings.

    As for the funeral, allow Jonathan to deal with it if thats what he wants to do, they essentially are not important what is important is allowing yourself to grieve and remember any good time you may have had with your father... it sounds as like your relationship was strained, just because they die, they do not become a wonderful person and eventually given time you will come to a place where you are at peace with their passing.... I have buried both of my parents, both before i was 23, and it is a terrible time whatever your relationship was with them. I had to contend with a circus freak show when "father" died.... and a beautiful intimate service with people that genuinely loved my beautiful mummy. essentially it is a time of reflection, rememberance and acceptance of the past as the past.The most important thing is to take care of your fragile body.

    Feel free to PM if you need to talk.

    Much love, empathy and understanding to you Dottii.

    xxxxx

  • So sorry Dotti, for your Dads passing and all you have had to contend with on top of the aggravation of Fibro, I feel for you take care and take it easy love and gentle hugs Claire xxx

  • Dear Dotti

    So sorry to hear your sad news, it sad to loose a parent and it must be awful to have your brother being so mean. You must not let yourself feel guilty as the only person this will hurt is you. You must take care of yourself and be kind to yourself. Know that we are here for you and that we care Sue xx

  • hi and i am so sorry for your loss i really am try not to worry about your brother let him take over if he wants it is ridiculous the way he is behaving where as you are behaving in the right way i am glad youmgot to seee your dada even though you say he was distressed bless him but you look after yourself love and hugs we are all here for you always love diddle x

  • Hi dotti

    So sorry about your loss. I just want to give you a big hug. I agree with the others, let your brother get on with it. It may be his way of grieving as we all react differently. What is important is you have lost your dad and you need to grieve. Don't feel guilty about not going back, you saw your dad and he said to go so you did your best. We are all here for you. Just take it slowly.

    Hugs to all xxx

  • Your brother is lashing out because he himself is hurting and he probably feels inadequate. Some peeps just cannot accept these feelings and so pass them on.... I know a couple of peeps like this. Try to ignore his hurtful attitude - you are the one with faith - he has nothing...try to feel sorry for him - he will pay in one way or another for being so unkind to you. Emotionally, he sounds like a child so try to think of him as one and humour him. As Sapphire said, the funeral arrangements are unimportant - the important thing is that you DID get to see your Dad.

    Please don't fret about him at all - he'll get over it!

    Hugs

    Galadriel

    x

  • Oh dear poor Dotti, bless your heart! How awful for you, I'm so sorry to hear of your Dad's passing. You have been through so much. It's at times like these that you need your brother and he certainly isn't helping things, which makes it so tough for you. If your brother doesn't like anything you choose regarding the funeral, yes leave him to it. You will only make yourself feel worse running up against him all the time, You have done your absolute best for your Dad, that's all you can do. Now you have to think of yourself as this is bound to take its toll on you if you're not careful.

    Take care of yourself, if you need a shoulder to lean on there are loads in our forum, always here for you Dotti. Here's a hug :)

  • My condolences Dotti. Hope that your faith helps you to heal.

    God bless, Katrin

  • Dotii, I am so sorry for your loss. Whatever your brother says, you know you went to see your Dad and he wouldn't have wanted you to have make that trip gain. Although your Dad is no longer physically here, he is still in your heart and you have memories that no-one can take away. Can I suggest that you make a list for yourself of hymns? Many can be googled and the words and often found sung. I looked up one of my favourites to check this out and add it here for you with my sympathy. sandra.

    [just click on it or copy it into your browser]

  • oops! It's started playing! I thought it would be the link.

    sandra

  • Love and hugs to you in your loss Dotti.

    I will pray for God's comfort at this time, that He also brings peace to your brother and heals your relationship. xx

  • Oh thank you all so so much for your kindness and understanding, I knew that I could come here and at least not get yelled at. I have had yet another blasting fom my brother this evening, he just shouts and shouts and doesn't let me say anything at all. I have had almost a continuous migraine since Tuesday and can't take much more. Jonathan, who is my twin, could not be more different to me - I avoid confrontation at all costs and he knows that. All I want to do is to get through the next two weeks - do the funeral and then just hide for however long it takes to recover from all this together with the mental and physuical pain.

    I am so grateful to you for your lovely words and thoughts, I find this place a real blessing - moer supportive really than even real time friends.

    Sending you all lots of love and huge thanks, muchly dottii xx

  • My deepest condolenses to you Dotti.

    Your brother is hurting too and acting like a spoilt brat! Let him get on with the funeral if it makes him feel better and you can grieve and then go on to heal.

    Try to distance yourself from his blasts; some people just love what they call "a good argument" .... never could get my head round that one as like you I like peace, calm and no confrontation ....

    You need to be very gentle with yourself at the moment - let the geographical distance be a cushioning barrier and grieve in your own quiet way.

    My prayers are with you

    Julie xx

  • A poem I read at my father-in-law's funeral, the original was by A L Fink but this is an adapted version which I used

    The Rose Beyond The Wall

    A rose once grew where all could see,

    sheltered beside a garden wall,

    And as the days passed swiftly by,

    it spread its branches, straight and tall...

    One day, a beam of light shone through

    a crevice that had opened wide

    The rose bent gently toward its warmth

    then passed beyond to the other side

    Now, you who deeply feel its loss,

    be comforted - the rose blooms there-

    its beauty even greater now, nurtured by

    God's own loving care.

    Norman (FIL) loved his roses and this poem bought great comfort to me and his grand-children.

    Julie xx

  • So sorry to hear your news Dotti. My heart goes out to you. Sending you a hug x

  • Dotti my heart felt condolences to you bad luck that you decided not to go but you had just been and seen your Dad so that was good. Remember him from the good times and your Bros is having probs coming to terms with his loss be patient with him. Hope you manage alright when my husband died I was sent a poem - cannot find it but basically it said he was just in another room waiting for you and not to worry he is fine now! Gentle hugs x gins

  • Hi Gins I have posted it below for you xxx

  • Thank you for posting the poem hugs x gins

  • morning dotti im deeply sorry for your loss and leave your brotherr to just ge ton with things.hes lashing out has hes angry not at you but his feelings.

    people deal with death differently and this might his way .

    my deepest sympathys to you both .and i hope it all goes okay as expected for you.

    its not easy and will take time for you get over.but its right it was better for you and your dad you didnt go back.

    sending gentle hugs xx

  • Hi

    The poem is called Death is nothing at all by Henry Scott Holland. It is beautiful and was at my dads funeral too.

    Hugs to all xxx

  • Death is Nothing at All

    Death is nothing at all.

    I have only slipped away to the next room.

    I am I and you are you.

    Whatever we were to each other,

    That, we still are.

    Call me by my old familiar name.

    Speak to me in the easy way

    which you always used.

    Put no difference into your tone.

    Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

    Laugh as we always laughed

    at the little jokes we enjoyed together.

    Play, smile, think of me. Pray for me.

    Let my name be ever the household word

    that it always was.

    Let it be spoken without effect.

    Without the trace of a shadow on it.

    Life means all that it ever meant.

    It is the same that it ever was.

    There is absolute unbroken continuity.

    Why should I be out of mind

    because I am out of sight?

    I am but waiting for you.

    For an interval.

    Somewhere. Very near.

    Just around the corner.

    All is well.

    Henry Scott Holland

  • Hello sweetheart so sorry for your loss, it seems to me that your dad didn't want you to see him that way, I lost my mum 2 years ago was in the middle of shopping when my brother called to tell me she had been taken into hospital and had taken aturn for the worst we rushed from huddersfield to Norwich she hung on till the Sunday the cleaner kicked my husband out ofthe room and from her leaving the room and him going back inshe passed I was at my mums house getting some sleep so was my younger brother my older brother was back home in Lincolnshire so sh went on her own its like she waited u till she was alone, so don't beat yourself up you know you love him he knew you loved him and that's all that matters be strong gentle hugs love sithy

  • Deaths -Always the worst time for family cracks to appear. Everyone grieves in a different way, and I feel sad for you that your brother cannot find space to grieve with you. However give him time and see how you both come out of it.

    I wonder if sending a printout of this thread will help him understand how you feel and tip the balance so he can see he was being a little unreasonable making you feel so guilty. Maybe not now, but when you are both ready to talk about it, if the time comes.

    He will feel guilty as part of the natural grieving process (wether he should be guilty or not) and is probably trying to lesson the burden of guilt by pushing some your way, because you are there, and maybe he hopes you will be still there at the end of it all, because you are his sister and close family. I don't know your history as brother or sister , so I may be assuming here, and apolgise if I am way off the mark.

    I had a bad time after the death of my Stepfather as I wasn't told he had gone till weeks after the funeral. I hadn't been around for over a year before then, so felt guilty too, even though at my core I knew (because of reasons too lengthy to go into here) that I had no reason whatsoever to be guilty at all. It took a lot of friends and colleagues to remind me of all the times I had done my duty when others hadn't.

    Try and look after yourself, and give yourself time. Please don't get too upset (easier said than done, I know) and let us know how you are.

    XGlenys

  • Hi dottii,

    Very sad for your loss. Please just allow yourself to mourn and grieve. Whatever you think you did please forgive yourself.

    My contribution of support is a link to Breaths by Sweet Honey in the Rock. They are a choir. A friend of mine was in a choir. She took her own life and her choir sang this at her funeral. It was very moving and comforting. It is based on African beliefs, so the words are very important to listen to.

    love light and serenity

  • I am sorry for the death of your father .. i worked for CRUSE for a time and one of the most normal thing is to feel guilt ..

    I dont beleive you did anything wrong you made a choise with the information you had and many times we make the right choice and it feels wrong.. so many people wait by bed sides for the person to die as the went out of the room. Sometimes i just think its the way.

    be kind to yourself and try and remember that you had a good relationship.. you have had a lot of nice messages but if you need more support try cruse it is free ..

    sorry if i sound counselly but its at times like this my day job over takes me

    gentle dyslexic hugs

  • Thank yu so so much and yes, I have thought the i may neeed to contact cruse, I still have huge issues around my moither's death 20 years ago later this month. Oh I must tell you, it felt like my bother was just negating my mother all together when he issued the annoucement of my father's death in the Daily Smellygraph..... he put Loving husband to Gwen, father to.......etc and my head was screaming out " you stupid fool - you should have put" dec'd "afte my mother's name - he couldn't even do that properly gggrrr, sorry - he has hurt me so badly in the time since Daddy's death, I cannot put into words the way I feel and the amount of physical pain it is causing me in flare, but hey, Jonathan thinks my fibro has been in my head for the past 35 years...hey ho.

    Thank again , especially for your dyslexic hugs, I believe they are some of the best,

    muchly dottii xx

  • I am so sorry for your loss, to lose your Dad is bad enough but to have extra problems is awful. It isn't easy but just try to let your brothers comments go over your head, hopefully in time your relationship will get back to normal. Just concentrate on getting through the funeral and then give yourself time, it doesn't cure anything but makes loss easier to deal with xx

  • Dottii, Hello.

    I had my Brother die , so know, where you are with your Grief. Like most of the others here I agree that your brother is just lashing out , without thinking of it's damage. Use your love for God as a Buffer, Like a Shield! but be kind to your self, because you are Hurting much more than your Brother is, Your hurting with Fibro. let him rant on, you just gently do your thing. But ...be gentle with yourself!

    Condolences for your loss.

    Suzy xxxxx

  • Hi Dotti, I think the loss of a parent and the sibling relationships can be terribly complex. My mum died suddenly when I was 22 and I had to take over the funeral arrangements as my Dad was struggling. My sister was in hysterics so it was a case of having to. However, when Dad became ill, she resented me going to look after him for a week at a time and having me as next of kin. She has cut all contact since the funeral. She thinks I took over. I wasn't trying to do that, I was simply doing what I had done years before. What had to be done.

    We all grief in different ways, and that is fine, I have experienced a lot of loss. It doesn't get any easier.

    As Suzy says, "be gentle to yourself" love J xxx

  • Hi Dotti,

    I am new to this site but I can relate to you entirely I am so sorry for the lose of your Father. I too come from a family who can not relate to me my father has recently been very ill after a big heart attack but the paramedics managed to revive him, this happened on a Tuesday I found out 3 days after off my sister.I am the youngest of 3 and have always felt as though I did not belong. My husband took me to the HDU to see my father where I got a lot of abuse of him and my brother who by the way lives rent free with my parents. I was accused of not caring about my parents but if no one tells me how am I supposed to know,I do ring up but none answers the phone so I leave a message but no one ever rings me back.

    I suffer very badly from FM but can I get my brother and sister or parents to understand that to travel along way is so painful and distressing that I can not just jump up and go. My siblings do not get it at all they just think I am selfish and I only think about myself , which I can assure you is totally totally wrong. I have always but my parents first even though my brother lives with them he never takes them to their appointments at the hospital I have always had to do the 70 mile trip to their house take them to their appointments and then travel the 70 miles back home. So am I being selfish now that I am unable to drive as my lack of concentration has gone and I can not remember things like I used to.

    Let your brother get on with the funeral and everything else that needs doing and you just go and do your grieving he will come round sometime when he realizes that he is alone now your father has passed. Keep your chin up and think of the good times you had.Don't let him grind you down. I have learnt that friends are better than family and although my best friend is my husband as long as I have him that is all I need.

    love and hugs Michelle xx

  • Thank you so much Michelle,

    In a way it is good to realise that one is not the only one who has family who do not grasp even remotely what we go through with our fibro. I had a poisonous tect from my brother saying that if I had really cared about my father, why hadn't I been to see him int he last 15 months (don't know twhere he plucked the 15 months from as I saw Daddy in August last year. He conveniently seems to have forgotten that in January 2011 I had a total shoulder replacemtn and was unable to drive for over 3 months - I saw Daddy in the August and then was told by my father not to bother going up for his 90th birthday in January as the weather wasn't good and he worried about me travelling..... then in March this year I had my appedic whipped out on the 6th and then three weeks later had another operation on my other shoulder, so yet again a period of no driving. Its not as if he's very near,. its a 390 mile round trip - having fractured my spine 5 years ago I find sitting driving for any length of time quite difficult and very painful........but can my idiotic pbrother graps this fact, it would seem not. As the saying goes, you can choose your friends but you can't choose your family. - and how very true that is. Though there are exceptions ....one of my best friend's has lovely borthers, one of whom I consider my surrogate brother, and he and his wife support me in so so many ways, and I am so thankful to them and for them. I know I won't ever change my brother, which is sad, I wish he could know what enjouyment comes from being nice to people, but he can't grasp that, he's lost 2 wifes to being over controlling and he has a drink problem and his life is in tatters.......do I feel sorry for him,?......yes, because he is my borther, but do I like, him, well the answer has to be no, I love him becase he is my brother, but I most definately don't like the monster he has become.

    Eeeek, sorry for the ranting ramble, please forgive me....I have been in shut down mode for days now and this lot just seemed to pour out of me, so please forgive me, but I want you to know that your words have made a real difference to me.

    muchly, dottii xx

  • sorry to hear ur sad news.sending you hugs and strength.xxxxx

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