How am I meant to cope?

My so called family has surpassed everything else they ever did.

My Dad died 2 months ago, leaving 6 children, me in the middle. And we are split down the middle, half dont talk to the other half. Anyway, my Dad died and not one of the other half had the common decency to let any of us know. We were not even told he was ill.

Last week I am told his house is on the market and it had sold within a week. I was shocked and so were the others when I told them. I am not strong enough to fight them anymore but my eldest and youngest brother are. They got in touch with a solicitor who has this week got a copy of my dads will. It was read out to my tonight over the phone. It seems he wrote the 3 of us out of his will in 2005 making the other 3 executives and they are to share all his money and the sale of the house.

I am heartbroken that he has died and we never spoke, I dont know why he stopped talking to me, my sister took total control over him. I invited him to my wedding, he was coming til 3 days before, my sister talked him out of it. I wrote to him regular, but not once did he write back. I have that to contend with as well as knowing he cut me out of his will. I dont want his money, I never asked him for anything. The others bled him silly.

I am hurt to my core...my brothers have been to see solicitors to contest the will and the sale of the house. I dont know if I am strong enough to deal with all this. I cant handle the fact that he has died......WHat do I do how do I handle this??

14 Replies

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  • Hello Nanatre. Sorry for your loss.

    Only you can decide if this battle is for you to fight or to let it go.weigh up the benefits & costs before jumping in as Solicitors are the real winners, always.

    Whatever happens there is always someone here who understands/cares about how the trials you face effect your condition. Best Wishes. Fi xx

  • Hi Nanatre sorry to hear about your lose, especially when you tried to build a relationship with him, and i'm sure it doesn't help having the family is split down the middle. what ever happens, its not going to be over night, so I would give yourself some time one to get through you grieve, and secondly takeyour time see not how the process moves forward then you can get a feel if you want to presue.

    It is very hard loosing a parent esp when it was a rocky relationship, I hope you don't mind me suggesting writing to him about how your are feeling, and how his actions have made you feel, then burn it carefully so you can put it in a small enverlope attach it to a bloown up balloon and attach both togther with ribbon, find a nice spot and let it go travelling up. Lots of peope would think its a strange way to do thing, I prefer to see it as the ending and being incontrol in doing so, to help move forward positively smilies and Hugs xx

  • Hi Nanatre

    My advice would be let your brothers do the fighting - through no fault of your own you haven't got the strength to fight. I do agree that at the end of the day only the solicitors win and at best you end up with 16% of practically nothing as opposed to 0% of something; not much of a choice really!

    Families can be a real trial, I cut myself and my children off from my father, mother and brother when I discovered my brother (then 17) had been abusing my 5 year old daughter. My parents defended him and called me and my little girl liars. My sister tried to walk the line between us but eventually sided with our parents.

    When my Mother died my sister left me a message saying I was neither wanted nor expected at the funeral and then giving me the wrong date and time! My then mother-in-law was friends with my Mothers's cousin and discovered me and my Uncle had been given the wrong date and time (Dad doesn't talk to his only brother either); I didn't go to the funeral but Uncle and Mother-in-law did. I'm very close to my Uncle, totally adore him and always remember to tell him I love him.

    I saw my sister for the first time in well over 10 years at Christmas ... it was nice and maybe we will make it an annual event.

    Me and my best friend have a saying we often repeat to each other .... "You can choose your friends but you can't choose your families". I think we both know that one to be true don't we?

    All the best - hope things turn out as you would hope

    Julie xx

  • I feel for you, I really do. My sister, brother and I have a brother I haven't spoken to in nearly 30yrs. Our mother had been dead for 3yrs before he was told,by a mutual friend. He lives in Thailand and was there when the tsunami hit, we didnt know if he was dead or alive. I was told once by a friend who is a shrink that you dont actually have to like/love your family just because you are related to them. If he turned up at my door tomorrow I would treat him as I would any stranger.Because that is what he is. Just a name of someone I used to know. Spend your enegry on people who care about you and who you care about. Friends or family xxxx

  • Hi hun, it's all so sad, it's not about the money it's the principle, it's sounds like the other 3 manipulated your father for there own needs and gains, he did love you he just listened to them to much, it's cruel, I don't know what to say to you as not been in this situation , but do what you feel is right I'm sure your dad didn't mean for any of this to happen, and your still grieving too, don't push yourself to much and look after yourself

    Much love and care Nicki xxxxx

  • I read your post and to be honest, had to go away for a while before I could reply, I found it that upsetting. I was always extremely close to my parents and when they died, I was devastated, but I didn't have to cope with what you are going through. The advice the other guys have posted seems like a sensible solution. Let your other siblings deal with it, but make sure they consult you on important decisions. There's nothing you can do now, reconciling with your dad and it seems unlikely that you will reconcile with your brothers and sisters, but at least they won't be able to stop you going to the cemetery when you want and putting some flowers on his grave. That can be 'your' time with him and they can't stop that. I'm genuinely sorry to here about your plight, it must be awful for you. Your health and wellbeing must come first so pace yourself as always and perhaps take time to reflect on the good times you had with your dad when you were younger. Take care and gentle hugs xx

  • hi and i am so very sorry for your loss yes it is a shame you didnt get to talk to him but from what you say it was through no fault of your own or probably himit sounds like your poor dad was manipulate dinto desicions that he prob had not much control over but the thing is as you say it is not the money i am the same it is the way they are getting their hands on it bt the thing is they have go to live with the fact that they got all of his assets through lying and being decietful which i dont care what anyone says that will play on their minds at some point where as you if it is all true what has gone on you and your 3 brothers have got no concioncess or guilt as you are all completely innocent in all this i personally would not go to a solicitor i would letthem all get on with it and if they can live with the way in which they came to get the money etc well they are better than me but you 3 that are left can all hold your heads up hihgh and live in peace that you have done nothing wrong which is far nicer than the feelings they will allhave i woul dlet them get on with it

    would you really want anything from it all anyway ????

    i do hope that you can gradually get ove this tragic story may i suggest you go to a spiritual church near you or maybe go and see a clarivoyant in a few monthsi have been to a few over the years and you mayget some comfort in what they say and may get some answers which could make a difference to your well being bless you but if you are not into that sort of thing rest assured your dear dad where ever he may be is probabaly looking down with great sadneess at the way in which his business has been mamnged and as i said before ifyour brothers/sisters have any feelings or regard for your dad they will now in their heart what they have done is not right and will have to live with that

    also i do believe in the saying what goes arond comes around i have few issues in past with people who have been lets say not very nice and i have sat back and let them think they have won but believe me wether it be a few weeks/months/years it has come back big time and it them on the behind an i was the one laughing then so just bide your time and you see it will all come around take care love diddle xxx

  • Hi i m very sorry for your loss.and right now let yourself grieve fot your dad.o agree about the balloon.

    My dad died last year i found out by trying to find him.

    He wasnt a nice dad and hadnt seen him in many years but i still grieved for him.i went someone this year with my fella a special place and let hurt anger i felt go.

    I feel better now.i dnt have a grave oe owt to go to.

    If you feel in your heart its right to fight.then do so.but let your other siblings do most of work.

    The others are greedy people.you 3 arent.yout dad did love you.always remember that.

    Always here for you on here..take one day at a time.

    Spend time with your siblings and build bridges with nice ones.x

  • At least your Dad knew you loved him through sending him letters and inviting him to your wedding, and the fact he wanted to come to your wedding until he was talked out of it shows he must have loved you too. It sounds as though some of the family really manipulated him and all they wanted was his money otherwise they wouldn't have been so quick to sell everything. I feel that you need to be able to grieve without the rest of the stress of opposing his will etc and leave that to your brothers if that is what they want to do. My heart goes out to you and I am sending you big hugs x

  • I am so sorry for your loss and I can identify with your feelings. My Dad died in Dec 1989 of a heart attack and I didnt know till my daughter was born in March 1990.I hadnt been in touch for quite a while, due to my mother's jealousy and lies.(They had parted when I was little).I didnt know him that well but still grieved for him and still do. My Dads 2nd wife said she didnt know where to contact me, to tell me my Dad had died. That was a lie too.(He must have been attracted to the jealous ones,lol) Families can be so nasty to each other. I dont believe that you cant choose your family. I found out over a period of time about the lies my "mother" had told. I hate lies and underhanded deviousness.I ended up being mentally screwed up because of it. So I chose not to have anything to do with her.Havent seen her for 15 yrs and my life is better for it. She STILL keeps trying to slither her way back. But I hope, in time, you can find a way to deal with what's happened. My heart goes out to you.xx

  • You can choose your friends but not your family, I was always told. Let your brothers do the fighting for you, if nothing else it will seriously delay the rest of the family having access to your Father's assets.

    It may cost you but it will also cost them as they will have to put up a defence to the court.

    Also, you will also be causing them anxious times such as they have caused you.

    It's never nice when families fall out and I am sure that you would be interested to know what you have done to create this situation.

    Stay strong and hold your head up high. I have been through a number of similar situations usually involving my sister who has, even as a child, been extremely selfish and all for herself. Thankfully, we now have no reason to be in contact with each other and that's the way it is.

  • I am so sorry for your loss. I understand how lost and bereft you must be feeling.

    I like the idea of the letter. Pour your heart into it, even you hurt, and then your love. Put this into either a white envelope or a red one [thinking the Chinese believe this to be a good luck, holy colour] but of course it is up to you.

    Let go of any hate, upset or any negative feelings as you release the balloon, just think of your dad when you were happy with him, when maybe he played with you as a child? Release the balloon in a special place, wherever you choose, and trust that your dad is still your dad. There is no hate or spite in the afterworld. only love. Let yourself feel that love.

    Maybe tell your brothers what you have done or are going to do. Maybe or maybe not, they would like to join you? It may seem odd to them and not their way of dealing with things. You too might not believe that this will help, but I suggest you try as you need to release all that pent up feeling in a good way. Push away the pain these people, who happen to be related to you, have caused. They were not your father. They are not you.

    Keep your special memories for yourself and live a long and happy life as your father would have wanted for you, away from the poison. Soft hugs and gentle ones too.

    May your father rest in peace and you come to be at peace too. The pain will subside in time and then the memories will sustain you.

    Other than this, I don't know what I can say. Come back and 'speak' here as often as you need to, it does help.

    As I said before, soft, gentle hugs, God bless you

  • i am so sorry, really, i think we would make a good pair, i have been going through a similar thing, i lost my sister she was my twin and i looked after her until she died , she was only 53, after that when her will was read i found that i was a trustee , she had not left me anything and i was not expecting her to as she had to daughters and a grand son, well my brother in-law was executor to her will, he would not go to a solicitor and decided to do it him self , he would not let me know anything, i i wrote to probate, and found he had not put my sisters estate all down , it was a lot of money plus half of the house, it took me two and a half years to get it sorted, her daughters have tuned on me and i had a load of abuse of them and from there real dad , i have just got it in place so it is protected, for them and the money that was to go to the grand son, he had set it up so he could run of with the lot, hes there step dad, the thing is my son and my sisters daughter have got together, they are cousins, i now this does happen , but shes been so nasty towards me that my son wont let me see my three grand sons, i am heart broken, over the last four years i have become ill and was diagnosed with fibr, i have lost my job , my so called friends have gone as i did not have time to go and see them when looking after my sister, and on top of that my sister in law was left my husbands dads estate and said she would sort things out when he had gone , now she has dropped us and gone of with over a hundred thousand , and were struggling , and she made a promise to my husband that things would be sorted as his dad wanted him in the will but was to ill to go to the solicitors, so it sound as if were both in the same boat really , i cant cope at the moment , i want to move as i don't want to stay in the same town as my grand children as they will not know who i am , but i will know them , i really don't know what to say to you , its so hard , and it will make your fibro worse , i am trying to concentrate on my self at the moment , but being at home on my own at the moment does my head in, i do hope things turn out for you , but concentrate on your self and let your brothers sort things out , it stress you don't need, take care and god bless sue x

  • writing your Dad a letter is a good idea. tell him loving thoughts and what you would like him to know. If, or when, you feel able, you could try this :-sit with a pen & paper - or at the computer; and write the kind of letter you would like him to write back . I know this sounds strange, but it can help. don't think about what to write, just let your mind run free. This is something that can be very healing, it it can also help if someone is having difficulty coping with the death of someone who has caused pain or abuse and you never got to have what some call "closure".

    You have lost your Dad and grief is a lot to manage even without the extra family and health problems. Be gentle with yourself and only do what gives you best comfort. remember the happy times - no-one can take the good memories away.

    gentle hugs,

    sandra

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