Seriously struggling - where to go for help

So I have been diagnosed for 6 months and as if the pain etc isnt enough I have had nothing but stress all year, has been the worst year of my life & I just dont know what to do!! It started with me splitting up from my fiance, my sons dad, after 6 years together, my dad found out he had cancer, while he was in getting his op, his dad, my granda found out he had cancer & died within a week while my dad was in hospital!

I have 3 kids 12, 10 &6, I am struggling with them, my daughter was in meant to be in trouble & I had a meeting with the head teacher, where I ended up in tears & was so close to losing it & just running out of there, my daughters actually done nothing wrong its her word against anothers but thats another story...

My mum helps out a lot but she works full time & does what she can after work & at weekends, she collects my son for school some days by taking late lunch, this is all great but then I feel really guilty about it!!

I really feel at the end of my tether but what can I do about it?!?!?

I have an appointment at pain clinic in a few weeks & actually really looking forward to speaking to the psychologist to see how she can help me deal with everything!!

I just cant see how I am ever going to come to terms with it!!

My daughters problem will hopefuly get sorted. My tribunal this month is another worry & my dads 2 major ops & intensive chemo in the last year & the wait to see if cancer has gone! This is all just stress stress & stress which makes fibro worse aswell!!! Arghhhh im just lost & dont know a way out!!!!!

I am on meds for depression & pain but dont think they are working very well!! Tramadol, ibprophen, amitriptyline, sertraline, propananol, co codomal...

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21 Replies

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  • Hi ouchiemama, you have had the worst year imaginable! I am so sorry to hear of how cancer has wrecked your family - I really hope that your dad will get good news about his cancer. Big Hugs to you my love. Going thru' all of this & with kids' problems to sort as well - I know how tough that can be! I hope you get on well with the pain clinic & psychologist, as well as your Tribunal.

    Lots of Love & positive, healing, thoughts to you,

    Julie xxx (((ouchiemama hug)))

  • Thank you for your reply, appreciate it. xx

  • All I can say besides the thoughts and best wishes is... Life is like giving birth, once the labour starts there is no going back, we can either fight against it and worsen the experience or work with it and make it easier on ourselves, we have no choice, life goes forward wether it's good or bad! An old saying of my mothers... Have the strength to change the things we can, and the courage to accept the things we can't change.... Over my life I have had so many big problems far too many to talk about and even now they continue... I have been ill for a long long time with many different things, I have four kids, I have emphysema, hypothyroidism, fybromyalgia and awaiting tests to confirm for postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome, I have not worked for years due to illness have no mom or dad, no support network.... Lost over 2 stone in the last year and have to Hoover on my hands and knees, everyday a new day starts, take a deep breath and take pleasure and pride out of everything you do..... As I say we have no choice but keep moving forward!

    All the best wishes sent

    A fellow sufferer

    Heather

  • Thank you for your reply. I try to remember it could be worse & be happy about what I do have. You are right -no choice but to keep on keeping on! xx

  • Hi Ouchiemama,

    you really have a lot to deal with just now, and my heart goes out to you. I find when I have a lot of things worrying me it helps to write a list of the worries down, putting the most urgent first. Then think of what you can do to help, and even ask yourself "can I help"? because sometimes there are times that no matter how much we want to help someone, it is just not possible to do so.

    You are on your own with three young children, and you've got Fibro. That in itself is a lot to be getting on with. I'm sure you're Mum & Dad know how much you care for them, and they're probably worrying about you. Don't feel guilty when your Mum helps you out with the kids, that's her way of helping you, her child, it's what Mums do!

    Its good that you've got your appointment coming up. Prepare a list of what you want to discuss so you don't leave anything out. That way the doctors can see the whole picture and hopefully put a plan in place to help you through this difficult time.

    In the meantime, just take things a little bit at a time, and try to fit in some time for yourself, no matter how short.

    lots of love & positive healing thoughts coming your way.

    GJ xx

  • Thank you for your reply :-) I also find writing it down helps, I have lists for everything so I dont forget stuff...although sometimes I still forget - fibro fog!! Really appreciate your positive thoughts. xx

  • Hi ouchiemama.

    So sorry to hear your having such a bad time, I hope your dad get good result.

    Perhaps the psychologist will also refer you to social services to help with the children and housework, it really sound like you need it, I know some people are scared to ask for help from SS but don't be, they are their to help.

    I'm sure your Mum is happy to help, but I do understand your guilt as I also feel guilty about the amount of help my sister gives me, even tho she works full time, she is always happy to help with cleaning, shopping ect.

    I really hope you get the help you need, perhaps speak to you GP about your meds if you feel they are not helping.

    Sending you lots of gentle hugs

    Mazz xxx

  • Thank you Mazz, I have a doctors app on Friday, I will look into SS aswell.xx

  • Gentle hugs. What a horrid year you have had. I am having extra help from the clinical psychologist and it is really helping me so hopefully you will find the same.

    Hugs

    Jillyxx

  • I am a 47 yr old grandmother..I wouldn't pick up my granddaughter if I didn't want to..

    That relationship is such an important one for me..It's never a chore to spend even a

    minute with my grandchild..If I am busy, I say so.. I wouldn't feel guilty..grandma may

    ask the child how things are going at home to find out where she can help; Grandma's

    are experienced and desire to help even when you do not wish for advice or hate it,

    we just cannot help ourselves and it comes from our hearts, we aren't judging at all..

    but we should learn to stay out of your business and just enjoy our grandchildren. <3

    I have never had a meeting with the teacher without my own kids there to answer

    to the problems,,You can't be at school to find out what provokes the fights and

    neither can the teacher..so the kid has to talk, sometimes both kids have to be

    there with the other kids parent so that everybody knows what is happening and

    everybody has the same rules, consequences..especially middle school years.

    By HS...it gets handled much differently..Kids get beat up for telling..at least here

    in America, that's truth..

    No one will ever remember you for what a clean house you have..Minimize and

    declutter..90% of the problem gets solved..Live, love, hold your children..house

    work can wait..Not a lot of possessions= not a lot to pick up..Your time to be a

    mother will fly by without you even realizing it..They will remember how your love

    and attention made them feel, not how clean the closets and drawers are.

    Give them little jobs to help you..you can talk while you do the dishes..I used

    to read to my mother as she did dishes..I would spend the time quizzing my

    own daughters and son how to spell words or how to add..simple as it was,

    they were excellent students..My house wasn't Martha Stewarts house but

    it was always at least livable...give yourself a break..cobwebs never hurt a soul.

    Try to schedule your dads visits for no more than 20 mins..I know that's tough..

    but you do have so much on your plate already..and if someone else can take

    him to treatment or you can have him over, he might enjoy some time with

    the kids so you can get a hot bath or lay down and rest..Not everyone gets

    as sick with chemo..there are medicines to counter-act the old sicknesses..

    If he is still at the hospital, let the nurses take care of him more and you rest

    up for when he comes home..20 min visits are just enough for him to rest

    and for you to rest.. Take care of number one (you) because your kids need

    you worse than your dad does right now..Doesn't mean that you love him less.

    The kids are so little and have to keep up in school, life..I've been there where

    you are. My dad was in the hospital 2 yrs -he lost his leg to the hip from

    diabetes...I had small children and a nun told me this stuff...all of it. <3

    xxxx Karen

  • You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you've got. ~anonymous

  • Thank you yikes, this is very true! xx

  • Please contact your local council & social services for help.I did this & I have a 21 yr old daughter & partner,& I get 1 hour a day to help with housework or my personal needs. It was the best thing I ever done & I don't pay as I receive some benefits. Please consider it,I would be lost without there help & I know I would be in a worser place than I am now.. good luck & be brave & think about yourself for once xx

  • Thank you Soozie, I have thought of asking social services quite a few times but was just a bit scared & reluctant to ask for help but I will definately contact them, I need to face facts - I need help! Good to hear that you have had a positive experience with them. xx

  • Hi Ouchiemamma

    I am so sorry to hear about all the trouble your family is having at the moment. Your Mum and Dad love you and that is why they help, the same way you want to help your daughter.

    I think you need to see your GP again, soon. And you need to be totally honest with them. I suffer really badly from depression and have recently been prescribed duloxetine. It took a few weeks for them to kick in but they have made such a big difference to me. Do remember that different med's work differently for different people. Tramadol did not help me at all.

    You haven't said what your job is. Do you have a Union rep who can help with your tribunal? If not you could speak with citizens advice, they will have people who can give you advice.

    Gerryjay suggested you write a list, I think that is a good idea, just make sure it isn't too long, start with a few. Against each item on the list write what you can do about it, eg your depression and anguish - make GP appointment; Your Dad - do what you can to help him, try not to feel guilty, you will do what you can when you can. Cross off what you have done or what you cannot change or do anything about. It is difficult so only a few to start with.

    I hope things go well for all of you. There are always people about on site if you need to speak. You can message me anytime I usually look in from time to time.

    Take care.

    Is xx

  • Thats the very ,very best thing I ever did & I know that you will endeavor & appreciate some help ,so you can maintain some kind of independence back back & not feel so useless. I don't have to worry so much about the housework ,as the carers do most of it & if I'm in a flare-up they help shower me,dress me & make me a sandwich for my lunch... I hope it all works out for you xx thinking of you x

  • Hi

    So sorry for all your problems and as said it is really horrible and I wish I could help the same as all of us who read this want to help, but we have no way of helping, but reading all the postings it kind of helps to know that we are not alone in our suffering, that we each have or are having different problems that seem insurmountable to us now, but if we can get through one problem at a time (I always put off the easy ones & dive into the worse ones, not always the best option but it works mostly for me)

    Some of the problems will be there for a long time and nothing we do will change that. Part of the problem sorting is to face some of the worst things and to let them take their course with no input from us.

    We are all different and have our different problems and that is sometimes what binds us together, the fact we are some times fighting the same enemy, win or lose it help to put pen to paper or words on the electric page and let people know how bad our life is and that we need help and we get the best advice there is to get.

    once again take care and kindest regards

    Terry

  • Kinda ditto everyone above... But: seriously consider your meds, especially the ones for your depressive state, as the SSRI's & SNRI's (I hope they were correctly abbreviated), as they do not suit everyone - they gave me strong mood swings and I felt terrible, pretty much all of the time. Best to check...

    You sound really strong, and stronger for the fact that you know when to shout out and not keep everything inside - keep asking for help now and you'll get there! As a friend said to me only the other day: "If it were the other way around, what would you do? Well exactly then."

    Take good care of the carer honey...

    Peaceful hopes...

    Gary

  • Thank you so so much everyone for your advice & help! Really appreciate it & just getting it all out there & knowing that I am not alone is a help in itself. Today is not as doom n gloom as yesterday, I have made some steps with making a doctor appointment & am going to CAB today...hopefully if I can muster together a bit of energy!! They are going to help me with my ESA appeal tribunal (I didnt say in first message what tribunal was for) Again Thank you all! :-) Hugs all round. xxx

  • Hi there,if you are new to this site then you have come to a wonderful place.And as you can see from the responses that people on here are truly caring,kind and supportive.Iam sorry to hear about all the stress you have been feeling.It may be helpful for you to consider asking your g.p for CBT counselling and there are stress management courses you can try as well.I myself have just filled in a referral for both due to stress in my life.Iam also a single mum with 2 boys,I divorced the kids dad as I could no longer live with his alcoholism.I have been in a relationship with someone for two years this month but the relationship is coming to an end now.I struggled for quite some time with looking after the kids,home,cooking,shopping,school runs etc..I then found out that I could contact social services to ask for an assessment of my needs.Prior to that I was sceptical as I thought they would say I was an unfit mum but that was so far from the case.They were great and I now get 35 hours a week help from two careers whom I chose myself.I have what is called a personal budget where you get given a budget to spend on getting the help you need.I no longer have to struggle alone now.They will take into consideration how much help you already have but as I was having no help from anyone I got given more hours help.They help me with doing the school run,cleaning and tidying the home,shopping,cooking,driving,taking me and my kids to appointments,washing,in fact all the day to day stuff I struggle with.So please,please,give them a call and ask for adult social services.I really hope this helps you make up your mind! :)

  • Well said haribo :-D

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