How do I help her, worried mum - Fibromyalgia Acti...

Fibromyalgia Action UK

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How do I help her, worried mum


My daughters Fibro is really beginning to take control of her and depression is hitting her hard.

She got this fibro following depression due to a terrible relationship situation. She got herself out and fought back to health then fibro hit, doctor said she fought so hard to get well she exhausted her body and fibro was the result. Now shes able to do none of the physical things she loves and is sinking so low and I dont know how to help lift her spirits, she seems to see nothing good in the world and her new partner who is a wonderful guy is getting to breaking point.

We had to go private to get a diagnosis and she has changed GP's cos her last one was NO help at all, she needs councelling I think but thats not available on the NHS dont know what to do her world is falling apart and as a mum I want to help but there seems little out there for her.

22 Replies

She is entitled to be referred for counselling so please take her back to her G.P and insist on a referral also has she been prescibed any anti depressants as she sounds like she is in a desperate state .Many people with fibro also suffer depression as I myself do we go through a greiving of our old lifes and she sounds like she has already fought through a lot dont know what else to advise but thankfully she has a mum like you who obviosly cares deeply for her which will make a difference

sending angelic healing hugs and hope she gets some help soon

and we are always here to offer support in anyway we can



Sleepy is right, what a lucky girl she is to have you fighting in her corner. I would add that she might benefit from a course from your local pain clinic. Most areas have one now and her GP can refer her. Their courses usually include cognitive therapy in addition to group discussion about handling pain and depression and their impact on relationships and family. There is support out there but it is not always obvious or easily available. Perhaps you could encourage your daughter to join this forum? It has certainly helped me! Good luck. Jane x

Thanks jane for the info about pain clinics as i have not known about this service before and i sleepycould really make use of something like that so i will be off to see my dr tomorrow

bbstport in reply to sleepy2

my pain speialist has jst referred me toa fibro managment progamme at stepping hill hospital stockport.

the curse runs for8 weeks for 2. hours a time. there are talks, gentle exercis,e specialists etc and also other fibro sufferers to share experieces and tips etc. with.

i mustsay my senir ocupationl therapist really pushed for me to be included in this

course a she hink will beneit gretly from it, my first meeting is 11 october so i will uoate you all.

sorry monday losing track of days lol!

Hidden in reply to sleepy2

I think it is a fairly new initiative and some areas have better provision than others. There can be long waiting lists though and I think you have to be suffering from pain and depression to get a place - in my area anyway. Good luck! Jane x

Hidden in reply to sleepy2

I Know about that too - spent ten mins looking for the Sunday papers this morning! ;-)

I am sorry to hear of your daughter's pain and distress. with the right meds it does get better.

she needs some form of anti-depressants, they will help with her pain too.

I have spoken several times to the Samaritans.

I realise that some people assume they are only for suicidal people but they are there for anyone who needs help.

I have called and just sat and wept before now and the "samaritan" asked if I wanted him to talk with me or just be there, he was there for me and quietly popped in now and again to reassure me he was still there. CBT therapy has helped me.

I could tell them things I wouldn't want to share with my loving family for fear of upsetting them.

Fibromyalgia is bewildering enough for any of the medical profession but even harder for us to have to understand whilst trying to deal with the pain and he knock on effects.

I hope she will join this site - there is also "pain concern" on HU too.

Here on this site she will never be alone again we all understand.

We all read posts at differrent times so don't despair if responses are delayed.

Also while it seems that sometimes all benefit claims are turned down - many people who appeal are successful and of course many are successful and may not neccessarily join the site.

Everyone is an individual and all experiences are different but we all have fibro in common. We can laugh, cry and rant here. we ask questions, learn and share, or quietly surf.

thankyou for being such a caring mum,



donna67 in reply to hamble99b

Spot on Hunni can't say any more then that really.. Pain clinic is really good as they can do the tests and even give slow releasing anasetic depend on how her fibro is suffering her I've had this and for me it didn't work but no that some of the people who had this done on same day it has so I agree with Sandra she's lucky to have a loving caring mum


I think all of the above replies are right.

I've suffered depression 20 yrs now, it too was caused by a bad relationship but the best thing to do for your daughter is to get her to her GP who can either refer her to see a CPN (Comunity Physciatrict Nurse) who will assess her & decide which is the best way forward depending on how severe her depression is. The CPN can even refer her to see a Physciatric Consultant who can prescribe her with stronger Anti Depressants than hrr GP can. I've been down this route & whilst I am on a high dosage of antidepressant. I have. ow got my dpression under control. Then Mr Fibro comes along & its been a long hard struggle to be diagnosed & get the right balance of meds to treat it.

It must be so hard for you as a Mum to watch but insist with her GP she gets seen by someone for councelling & recieves an antidepressant & things will work out well for her.

I leave you with all my love.


Jac xx

dayjac in reply to Hidden

When she was first ill with depression we brought her home the GP and CPN service were wonderful, the consultant useless!!! I dont know what the services are like where she lives but Im going to find outXX


Bless you ~ Having you as her number one supporter will benefit greatly, and I am so sorry your daughter is suffering... Take heed from the other fellow fibros here as they are giving good advice.. your daughter is entilited to counselling, pain clinic etc etc.. I would also like to say off the wall.. lol.... Ask your daughter if she can meditate... go into a still silent space and just be... it helps me greatly... you can then here release all negative patterns, hurts and traumas.. it can take some doing and faith however it does bring peace and relief. Emotions play a huge and significant part on our physical being... that which is not dealt with in the appropriate or needed manner can create or leave a residue of pain in the physical... when at at an extremely low ebb from whether it be trauma, shock, bad news, death of a loved one.. whatever plays on our emotions.. the pain is almost as severe as physical pain... this is why some people self harm.. their mental anguish is so great that to release it they cause bodily pain....I may not be right in this and "work" still needs to be done which I am "testing" self... but I do have a belief that from the emotional web of destruction comes the bodily destruction, it isnt that we have brought this on ourselves.. but it leaves us in such a low state and open to other things.. so when we are in this state it only takes say for instance in my case an operation that can "trigger" whatever is laying dormant to manifest... ie say fibro.... like an auto immune disease it is attacking our body ... its like having an alien present itself and as our physical is so clever just like a computer or electricity it has the waves of energy that when works correctly works wonderfully.. but should we have a short cut or short circuit.. this is when our physical selfs turn.. like attacking a virus... I hope I am making sense... So to me the medical and holistic professionals need to look at the whole self.. as there is definately a link to combine answers and restore harmony to fibro and other sufferers of similar veined neuro connective conditions.

I wish your daughter better days... try and get some funny movies... for laughter, be gentle with her and for her to be gentle with herself... just little things can make a huge difference.. and most of all.. Love which you are doing in abundance.

Hugs xxx

Thank you all so much for your replys, I had many tears last night trying to decide what I should do, her younger brother and dad are so worried too. I will try very hard to get her to join the site as I feel she would benefit so much as I am doing, just sharing is such a help and for her talking to all of you im sure would help.

I think her new GP is better and Im going to try to organise to go with her to an appointment this week.I know pain clinics can be very helpful I have worked with some people with complex regional pain disorder and the CBT element is very helpful we have a good one where I live near Bath but Im not sure what she has in her area.

Im a great believer in meditation but getting her to try is proving difficult, living an hour away means I cannot just pop round.

Im going to take a trip down tomorrow I think and see if I can make some progress with her letting people in to help, she just does not want to talk and let us in and im not sure how much more her partner can take. Im going to see if she will write a journal to try to give her a way of venting her feelings, anyone tried this? what do you think I thought if she can start to express herself in writing then maybe eventually she will be able to verbalise to us how she is feeling.

One day at a time I think

Thank you againxx

I've practiced "freewriting" and it does help. this is when you sit with a pen & paper or at the computer and write/type whatever comes to mind - no planning, pre-thinking or reading it back just freeflowing, unconscious,thought. you don't have to look at it until you want to. You can also audio record your thoughts in the same way.

I've done this for many years and it gets easier.

I've been shocked; saddened; surprised; upset; moved and heartened by things I WROTE!

I've discovered feelings I didn't know I felt.

Learned things I didn't realise I knew.

I have accepted me.

hope it may help.



dayjac in reply to hamble99b

Thank you for such a posative take on this Im definatly going to get her to tryXX

I can imagine how it feels for you having to look at your daughter and know she is suffering and feeling useless over it. She is fully entitled to be referred for counselling and it is available on the NHS via the Mental Health team. I know that as I was offered it, but after 21 years I felt I could manage with the help of my family and I have done. The only things you can do is be there for her when she feels she needs you. xxxxx

Hi there,

so sorry to read about your daughter, hug her, love her and support her. All the other great pieces of advice that her fibro friends have given you are great. Dealing with pain on a long term basis is hard to deal in any situation. Tell her she will get there, no one have turned the light off. I have found that we are not alone in this and just by contacting others with F,M,S has helped me to come to terms with this illness. Do research into Fibro and understand what she is going through. Tell her what you find. As she is not well enough to do it herself, she has you and that is a blessing. I wish I still had my mum to help me go though the rough days.

There is so much not said and I have found just asking questions on this site has helped me to understand how little the medical profession knows about it, sadly some GP's know less than we do. The information is there we just need to put it all together, understanding it is a key to managing it. Give her a hug for me, tell her it does get easier, be positive and enjoy the moment. Laugh together and support each other always.

Your fibro friend xx

Loads of good advice here.

Can you get her to do relaxing things eg a beginners yoga session, a session in a jacuzzi, pedicure, relaxing facial or massage?

She is so lucky to have you. This afternoon I was feeling weird (icy cold head and numb face - the start of a mini-stroke type episode) and had to ask my youngest daughter to take the baby off me whilst I reclined the chair and waited for the episode to finish, I said to the Baby, "go to aunty because nanna is being pathetic again", my daughter took the baby and said "Nanna isn't being pathetic, she is very poorly". I could have cried (I am now) because I always feel as if no one actually believes me! Your daughter is so lucky to have a Mum that believes her and believes IN her. Kudos to you.

((((( gentle hugs )))))

Julie xx

Just wanted to add my support xx


I have been reading through your question and some of the answers, I hope you don't mind me saying I suffered a Mental break down some time ago. I did not realise it at the time and went through hell. I shut friends and family out. I did come out the other side but my mental health worker thinks that it got so bad, left untreated that I suffered a psychotic episode. I was very lucky not to have done something silly at this time. Please get your daughter to seek help it was the worst ever part of my life and because it went on for so long I am a totally different person. Go carefully though I lost trust in even the closest family, not because I did not love them - I just could not make sense of anything. I got my help totally accidentally - due to a rheumatologist thinking me depressed. Then got referred by my GP -to practise mental health team ---- all I can say is that I am now seeing through the fog from hell.........I can now put things in to place a bit more and life is becoming something to smile for again....................I pray a little peace your way......xxxx........I wrote poems on my way out of it & a diary.............I also sketch a little. ..A soft voice and not too many questions............tell her your there for her and you love her and there is nothing she can tell you that you wouldn't understand...try not to question ....but make sure you look in her eyes and listen.......................xxxxxx

Thank you so much for your kind reply, it made me cry as it brought back all my daughter and I went through 5 years ago when she had her breakdown that ultimately triggered the fibro

The mental health nurses were wonderful to her and I hope we can find a team where she lives now.

As a parent you feel so helpless but I know the quiet path.

I do hope you continue to recover and peace and happiness returns to your life soom


Hi dayjac

I hope things improve for you & your daughter -- I am soooo much improved now --I won,t say better. I still doubt myself & others. I am still opening up to some counselling and I am finding it hard but helpful. I have just done a course for expert patient and I go to a group meeting for Fibro sufferers. This is the most I have done in years --- I am starting to feel like I am part of life again.. When I was at my worst I could not trust anyone or make sense of anything and the Psychiatrist has said that if I had managed to get help sooner the long term effects would be better...I send my best wishes to you all for love and security --- trust each other......My daughter was my Godsend. For your daughter her Mother is her Godsend for realising help is needed....x

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