Wife's server anxiety and falling out of love

My wife and I have been together for 5 years. Married for 2 we have two little kids - boy (who I had taken on as my own child he is now 6) and a girl (who is three and a very very busy child). My wife had had high anxiety when I met her and I honestly never knew what anxiety was. I had to learn quick. Over the years there were a lot of arguements that made her really question our relationship. I know she has been thankful for me due to the fact I stood beside her when dealing with court with her ex who is now out of the picture buying a house and providing for her and the kids. Last year was a tough year for us based off a slow economy less money was coming in so to help she opened a day home. Dr had told her it was a bad idea with her anxiety and with how busy our own kids are. We had had a massive fight back in November the night before I had to leave for work (I also work out of town 10 days away and 4 days home) she wanted to seperate. So we did but due to money and my schedule I stayed in the basement. This went on till Jan where over the holidays she had less stress with the kids and had more time to breathe and at that point had told me she loves me and was smiling and happy. After that Jan when I go back to work it's the same thing all over again. Seperation and actually moving forward about selling our home and telling me "she fell out of love". Heartbroken but had to stay strong for my kids I've accepted it. The next day after I had come to terms with it being over she calls me first thing in the morning balling and having multiple anxiety attacks saying she's sorry she loves me she needs me and all she wanted was me. So we decided to move back to where we were happy and married. Until now. Now she is right back in the same spot of saying she doesn't feel in love with me. Completely breaks my heart. I know her well enough that there isn't someone else. So that is not a worry for me. I also have to mention in the last 3 years I've been battling aggression and anger which I really believe I had under control but had to change meds because of side effects cause other issues. I have been very irritable my last days off and we had a few arguements where I wasn't ok with my reactions. So sticking with the meds might be my best issue for that. But all through our seperation I stayed positive I knew she loved me. I know she still does she just says she doesn't feel it. Im just wondering if this is because she is overwhelmed with the kids being busy, day home all day ,me being out of town and her doing it all alone. Plus I don't have a licence right now so she has been the main driver for us. Add all the Finacial issues on that along with her anxiety/depression I can imagine she would just want to run away. But for her to say she doesn't feel in love with me what do I do? A human heart can only take so much. I obviously don't want to leave her and love her to death. She tells me she feels bad and that I deserve better. I'm lost. I'm trying to stay positive knowing in the back of my mind it will be ok but I honestly don't know what to do I try to give her beaks but I am only home for 4 days. How do I save my marriage (we've been doing councelling) and is this related to her anxiety/depression?

The help will be greatly appreciated

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27 Replies

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  • This can be due to the anxiety/depression. I'm newly married and I do the same to Hubby when I'm feeling hopeless and irritated with myself. When he's at work all day I miss him, we even have good days but when I'm down and out it's like I feel like my life will be better if I move on and just leave the relationship but I can't imagine it without Him. It's very overwhelming and adds to the disorder so now He tries not to say or do anything that will possibly cause conflict. He never evenheard of anxiety until we met.

  • It's nice to actually hear that I'm not alone. I'm there for her 100% and will be no matter what but it seems the more I try to show her I care the harder it is for her. The day she called me when she was having her attacks I never slept that night I stayed up talking her through it and being there for her. That's when she realized she loved me still. When I was her support. But I don't know what to do at this point. Working out of town in a camp I have a lot of time alone. So my brain doesn't stop and I'm all I got. Do I just leave her be and let her come around on her own or do I stay concistant with her knowing I'm here for her? We also talk ALOT texting back and forth which we both don't like but still do. So I feel that has a lot to do with her overwhelmed and me coming off as needy. It's just very hard

  • You're definitely not alone. I can tell you what My Husband does and it's working. He sort of just let's me be. When I'm in panic, he speaks to me soft if we're on the phone and assures everything is okay after I'm done with my rant. If we're in the house together I prefer him to be quiet but near by. He'll get water for me and maybe some fruit or something as that helps me calm down. He avoids any conflict because with anxiety/depression It's very easy to get irritated from the smallest things. If you can, just give her space but be there when she asks for You. Don't worry or stress yourself out, if you can, do things that make you happy to keep you grounded and strong for You and your Family. My Husband goes to see his family, or just goes out and I don't bother Him because I know it's not easy dealing with Me. Just try to stay positive, it will get better.

  • Thank you! I do do those kind of things when she is having an attack I'm there for her no matter what and she knows it. It's when she doesn't want me that's the hard part. What am I to do when she tells me she doesn't feel love for me? Do I keep trying to show her there is love? Or do I just let her go and figure it out on her own? It's a hard concept because she doesn't want doesn't want to talk. Something in my head tells me to just give her some space and alone time. But my heart hurts from hearing she's not in love so I feel the need to react on that. Lol She says the same about her where it's not easy being with her and thinks it'll be better for me if we weren't together. I stuck it out and was there for her last time but what she's saying is that the feeling of no love keeps coming back. And she's starting to question that. I obviously don't want to split up my family so I will do what it takes to keep it together. Even if it is heart break in the mean time

  • You have to let her come around. You can't force your Love on Her because that'll make things worse (it doesn't sound like you're forcing tho). Give her what she is asking for. For the last 3 Months I've been telling my Husband to leave and Don't touch me lol. He didn't leave but He gave me so much space by working a lot and staying busy. If you Have kids, take them out when you can or go in a separate room and close the door with just them. Just stay as active as You can but don't look for her approval for everything. For example, If Groceries are needed, just go grocery shopping. I felt like my Husband couldn't do anything without me which was overwhelming also. Now he's a little more independent which makes me Happy lol.

  • Thank you so much i think that is just it. She is overwhelmed with everything with shopping for food and caring for the kids and running a day home all while I'm out of town she just feels like it's too much and would probably be easier if she was alone She can't get rid of the kids and she won't get rid of her job so I would be the one to get the hard end of it. We have went through this 2 months ago and she realized being alone isn't what she wanted at all that she completely loves me. But with me back out of town working and her having to do it all it makes sense. I hope we can figure it all out.

    Thank you again!

  • Good Luck! The fact that you're here asking for help shows You Love Your Family. I hope everything works out Well for You.

  • Thank you! I do I will do anything for them. This is also the first forum I've ever posted too so I was nervous but glad I did.

    All the best!

  • A common symptom of anxiety is doubting those you love. I know and rode that storm for a while. Thoughts come into the head laden with anxiety and arrive uninvited with such force, they shock the anxiety sufferer to the extent that they believe the thoughts to be true. The more they fight those thoughts, the stronger they become which makes the sufferer doubt the relationship even more. During moments of peace when the mind and body isn't racked with anxious thoughts, your wife will see how silly those thoughts are and completely false. It is the anxiety that creates the thoughts and not a reflection of reality. Actions speak louder than words. Your wife just has to practice letting go those thoughts and not reacting to them by fighting them and they will gradually disappear. Anxiety is very, very good at playing tricks on the mind and people stay stuck in the cycle because they believe the thoughts when in reality, they are completely false. To recover, let the thoughts go, give them no respect because they won't be there when she recovers. I have first hand experience and know that it does take a leap of faith to let the thoughts go but if she has moments of peace where her judgement is not clouded by anxiety, she will be able to glimpse the truth that she does love you. The more she can glimpse the truth, the more she will recover. It is just the anxiety making her think that she doesn't love you. Anxiety (it is just excessive energy) that needs an outlet and one of the most common ways it does that is by creating anxious thoughts. The trick is to let the thoughts come and do nothing to stop them being there and learn to pay little attention to them.

    Hope this helps

  • It really does help thank you. Puts my mind at a bit of eas and not as hurt. I love her with all my heart and will be there for her no matter what. This really helps with what I have to do. Being needy and annoying her will not help at all. It's just hard because there is not much I can do to help her other then just be there

  • Anxiety will make her feel very irritable too and have a very short fuse. She will be less tolerant and likely to snap over the most trivial stuff. There may be times when she can't even bare to look at you but only because she fears the reaction she will get from the anxiety. It's not you, it's the anxiety. All of these feelings, along with the doubts that keeping appearing in her head make a very convincing story that she mustn't love you and has to leave. The nerves that control her emotions have become sensitised due to stress and need time to calm down and de-sensitise. the only way this will happen is for her to let go of the thoughts and feelings and her mind and body will recover by itself.

  • So basically be there for her but don't overwhelm her and smother her? Is it something she will eventually notice and snap out of or will it go too far? I really wish there was something I could do for her :(

  • Yes. Unlikely to snap out of it but full recovery is possible but may take a little time. Like I said, anxiety is basically an illness of the nervous system (sensitisation) that controls the emotions which become hugely magnified. it makes a sufferer feel as though they cannot cope with normal every day situations.

    It is the natural fight/ flight response which has been tricked into "firing off" easily which manifests itself as constant stress which can feel severe and the most natural response is to run away from it. She probably thinks that the symptoms will go if she leaves but they will just follow her around no matter, until they de-sensiitise through acceptance of the symptoms, instead of fighting them.

    Recovery is a process and it will start when your wife sees for herself that the thoughts and feelings she is experiencing about the relationship are completely false. The more she glimpses the truth during moments of calm that she does love you, the more she will learn not to believe the negative thoughts. Even when she is fully accepting that the thoughts aren't real, they will still come but just an offshoot of anxiety. However, they will begin to lose their force and your wife will lose interest and respect for those thoughts and they will eventually disappear.

    I had horrendous anxiety about my wife and felt that the only way to escape those thoughts would be to leave. However, I called its bluff, didn't do anything drastic and now recovered. I'm happily married to someone I now know to be very understanding because she stood by me. She didn't demand I get better or threaten to leave, she just stayed patient and give me the space and time I needed to recover. In fact, I feel I am even closer to my wife now.

  • I'm very happy to hear it worked out for you and your wife stood by you. That is exactly what I will do is stay by her and try to make her life easier. Thank you so much!

  • I'm so lost. This was the last serious message she had said to me

    Im sorry. Lets just relax. Nothing is happening now. I am jist going through something right now and we are trying ro figure out what to do about it ok

    And i want u to know i do love u. Your my babies daddy. U have done soo much foe me and us. I am just foing through something weird, depression maybe and feel i am not "in love" anymore

    I will obviously stick beside her but how do I help her?

  • So as an update today she told me "if" we end up separated she hopes we can get along. She's talking about wanting to go out and do things on her own have a career because she was only out of school a year and had a child. Never had that chance. She says she loves me for what if done for her and the family but she's just not in love. Sounds like she wants to separate somehow manage to do school and hold down a place as a single mother with 2 kids and no income. I don't know how she will do that. My heart is just broken

  • Just my opinion, but I have been with someone who would change his mind every other day when it came to loving me or not loving me, and it sounds like a cop out. Is she taking any meds for anxiety or depression? Because that can have a BIG impact on a person's personality

  • Yes she is taking Effexor and also has adivan for when things get harder.

  • Ativan is a benzodiazepine. It will cause unfavorable side effects as far as behavior and personality changes. It a CNSD and for lack of a better way to describe it, makes you not give a sh!t.

  • Poor guy you have my sympathy.

    I think your wife suffers from more than just anxiety, she seems to have deep rooted issues.

    I would say that deep down she doesn't love you but is afraid of being alone with her state of mind. I have said the same thing to people myself, then said the opposite because I was afraid of hurting them and my own status being affected, so I just kept chugging along until it all just broke down anyway. She may not be able to help how she feels, you'll have to ask her.

    I think you and your wife, regardless of anxiety, depression, anger issues and what ever else, you both have to sit down and talk it through and be very honest with each other and hear things you may not want or expect to hear, without becoming angry our emotional.

    People with anxiety are in a over reacting state of mind and body and that doesn't help.

  • Hi please to stay with your family it is not easy on your wife Anxiety it is a monster stick with your family hi have it is she taking any thing for it I no it hard. if she is stress it will make it worst just be a man for your kids please get some help for her trusted me she needs you .I will pray for you and your family

  • It is the hardest thing I ever had to do. But I will be there for her

    This is the last full message I had received from her

    Im sorry. Lets just relax. Nothing is happening now. I am jist going through something right now and we are trying ro figure out what to do about it ok

    And i want u to know i do love u. Your my babies daddy. U have done soo much foe me and us. I am just foing through something weird, depression maybe and feel i am not "in love" anymore

  • Just be there for her. I suffered from relationship anxiety. I know how it clouds judgement. I know how it plays tricks on the mind.

    Nobody can feel love when their mind and body is gripped by fear and this is what is happening. When fear is in the heart, there is no room for anything else, no room to feel love.. The body's natural fight/flight response is in full swing and doing its job protecting the person from perceived danger which can be anything trivial for an anxiety sufferer. The mind and body isn't feeling all "lovey dovey" at this time because it is busy trying to fight or run away. Pure and simple.

    It makes the sufferer think and feel that something is seriously wrong ( in your wife's case, the relationship) when in reality, things couldn't be further from the truth. One day, a sufferer will see through the bullshit and feel the feelings of love. The next day (it may even be minutes or hours) the anxiety is screaming at them that the relationship is all wrong and their mind is flooded with fear and looking for ways to escape, to run away. Anxiety does this. It creates thoughts that are completely false but because they come with such force, the sufferer can easily be tricked into thinking that they must be true. They aren't.

    Recovery from anxiety is not linear. It is up and down with setbacks thrown in where a sufferer thinks and feels that they are back to square one. This is why your wife appears to change her mind frequently.

    Take a look at a website called anxietynomore.co.uk and read a More Help for your Nerves by Dr Claire Weekes. The book tells you everything you need to know about anxiety and how to recover and the website too. The book specifically makes reference to how anxiety creates doubts about being in love. It is very common with anxiety sufferers. The website has a blog with lots of helpful advice from those in recovery and those who have recovered. I found posts from a person called Helen very helpful as she too had relationship anxiety and recovered.

    Like I said in my first post, I had terrible anxiety relating to my wife. The anxiety also created lots of doubts about lots of different things but the thoughts about my relationship meant something to me so hurt the most. In hindsight, I made the mistake believing those thoughts which created even more fear and doubt in my mind about my wife and our relationship. If got so bad, I was panicking if I heard or read stories about marriage break-ups. I panicked about having thoughts about being attracted to someone else. I panicked if I had to call her on the phone. At times, I couldn't bare to look at her in case I felt very anxious.

    It took me a while to figure out that it wasn't the relationship I was wanting to run away from, it was the thoughts and feelings created by the anxiety. Little by little, I started to see through the bullshit created by the anxiety and found if easier to let those thoughts and feelings go and stop believing them. It was all a lie. I no longer have those thoughts and feelings and can laugh at the absurdity of it all. The fears created by anxiety are completely irrational but when in the midst of it all, it all feels very real.

    So, just be there for your wife. She is going through a very difficult time. Read the book I mentioned. It will help you understand what she is going through. Ask her to read the book too and visit the website. Ask her to read this post too. I am sure she will relate to it. I'll be more than happy to help.

  • Thank you so so much. I feel so alone in this and this is the one main thing keeping me together. She even tells me she loves me but she's not in love with me. I'm lost I'm away at work I'm no where around her. She tells me she has the life she always wanted but now feels like she wants something else. She wants to go to school and travel and just be on her own. She thanks me when I tell her I'm here for her I'm not going anywhere and I know she doesn't want to go anywhere but can't help feeling how she feels. I will stick it out for her and my family. I have too. If I don't I didn't I'd feel I didn't put any effort. It's just so hard. I hope we can get to the bottom before it's too late. But how do I deal with her telling me she doesn't love me? I will read this book because I care. I know what the issues are it's because I'm working away and she feels she's a single mom anyways doing all the kid work and house work and running a day home with kids non stop. I wish there was another way to fix things

    Again thank you so much

  • Mjmcknz, I understand how alone and difficult this must be for you. Living with someone with anxiety can be overwhelming. What we fear most is being alone. When women marry, they tend to think of it as one long extended date. When reality kicks in that the husband may not be around as much as she'd like and life itself becomes a reality, problems can arise.

    Your wife sounds like she may be at an age that she wants to spread her wings and do all the things she has ever wanted to do but is to afraid. She has a lot to deal with in raising children and keeping a house that you can come home to. She's confused, she's torn and so as much as she loves you, there's a conflict with her feelings.

    It has nothing to do with you being a good husband, it is her inner battle of "is this all there is" mentality. Anxiety plays a big part in what she is feeling. You mentioned you are both having counseling but I feel she needs to find out where she is going by having individual therapy. Therapy to deal with her anxiety issues as well as who she is and what she wants out of life.

    I wish you well. Stay strong in your love. Support her and take care of yourself as well. That is just as important.

  • Thank you that is exactly what she wants to do. She is turning 27 this year has no background other than child care and feels there is much more she could be doing. She wants a career. She says it's not me I never did anything wrong it's just something she wants. I feel with her mind made up this is it. I will only be able to stand by for so long. Right? I'm just so lost. I never wanted to separate my family. This is by far the hardest thing I ever had to go through

  • Mjmcknz, As your wife said, it isn't you, you did nothing wrong. You may have to step back and see where this career she wants takes her to. It's not going to be that easy for her with anxiety hanging over her head. She may want to test the waters but in case she sinks, wants you there to rescue her. You are in a difficult position. I think time will only tell if she is ready to take that step forward knowing she chances losing you.

    You sound like a good person who wants your family however, we cannot control what others around us do, we can only accept or walk away. The choice will always be yours. I know you love you wife and children but love yourself as well. It is your life too.

    Take care, keep coming on the forum. Many have been in your position and will offer you advice as well as comfort in seeing this through. You are never alone.

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