Well I made it to Amsterdam on the hour long flight, and I made it back AND looked out of the plane windows. I was amazed that I felt so calm considering last year I was in tears at the thought of stepping onto a plane. I think I have definitely proved to myself that mind over matter goes a long way.
Amsterdam was one of the most beautiful places I have been, so much so I didn't want to leave and I hit rock bottom when I got home. I went to work the next day, re-confirmed with myelf how much I hate my job, filled my head with how much more there is to life, developed chest pains and bam, for the first time in ages I had a full on attack on my way home. It was all my own doing, getting myself worked up, taking small negatives and blowing them out of proportion. but I got myself home, cuddled into my dog and it eased off slowly although I was couch and bed bound all night.
So it's time for the hard slog to do something about it all. But overall I feel very positive about the experience I will try and post a photo or two once I have taken the pictures off my camera.