Things have gone too far now:-(

I just wana know was i out of order telling my partner that i felt like a spare part. He had gone to his Mums. His Mum came on the phone and told me that i should be more patient with him being poorly. Ranting and raving isnt going to help, and no wonder he does not want to be near me.

I have done everything in my power to help him. His Mum is the one that stresses him. Ranting at him, that he doesnt care. She pushes him away, but now i am the big bad bitch. I ended putting the phone down on my partner (now ex) because i was so upset. He didnt defend me, hasnt been in touch to see if i am ok.

Sorry for the rant but i dont like being portrayed as the bad one. i have done nothing wrong barr vent a little at him for the first time in ages. Its happened before where his mum kicked me out of the house for no reason...............i had to apologise for doing nothing wrong. She lived in scotland at the time. He didnt defend me then either.

I said earlier in the blog i wouldnt let anxiety destroy us, it was something else instead.

xx

24 Replies

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  • Sorry to hear what you're going through lou..... Maybe this isn't about anxiety?

  • Thanks,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,its a combo of everything. I cant believe that after everything its been thrown in my face that in some way i have caused this. All the support i have given ihas been thrown back in my face. Says a lot really!!!! x

  • Hi. lou. Yes, it is hard; then life is hard. Scott Peck in his book 'The Road Less Travelled' starts by saying "Who said life would be easy". If you really believe that you have done your best then do not go into the recrimination bit. YOU will finish up with anxiety, and we do not want that! Do you think it is time to take stock? You say he is your ex. But we do tend to go back over the same ground and get hurt time and again. Please, look to your own welfare. You cannot afford this constant thrashing. I really feel for you. Try and look after yourself. love. jonathan.

  • I say ex because i dont know how else to look at it. He knew i was upset but hasnt got in touch. With his anxiety its probably knocked him back, but i am sorry it doesnt stop you checking on others, Yeh its time to take stock of everything. I have taken the reins to do all i can. I am no angel and for the first time i had a rant, its been held against me. I have respect but had to bite my tongue and stop myself from telling his mum that she is causing a lot of his anxiety. I am afraid there isnt a lot more i can do. This time i dont see why i should be the one to make amends. I have kept the peace between them over the last few month. It hurts more that its being thrown in my direction, and i am being blamed!

    Blimey dont i rant.....................but this has really got to me.

    Love Lou. xx

  • Bless you aint offending anyone. I hope you feel better soon. I know its a bloke thing, but since he has started with anxiety i have done everything to try and understand it, be there and give him the space he wants. Its just when he makes a effort with everyone else and i am the last person he considers. Selfish!!! Sometimes it reads its all about me, but it simply isnt.

    His mum knows how much i have helped him, but to say that today has just been like a big kick in the teeth, If he felt anything for me he could have sent a txt. If i know someone is upse t i would make sure they were ok.

    Maybe i think wrong. I dont know anymore. I feel used, taken granted off and a mug.

    You take care.

    Love Lou. xx

  • when you have a broken leg it is easy for people to see what help you need and people understand the condition.

    However, when you have any kind of mental health issue things become more a case of smoke and mirrors. People are not sure how to treat you and sometimes go out of their way to avoid doing so. It can be difficult for the sufferer sometimes to make decisons or to accept help or know what they need. I love my partner but find myself pushing him away because I feel bad and not wanting to put on him, feeling a burden to him. He on the other hand wants to wrap me in cotton wool and take on the world for me. It is a fine balancing act in times of highened emotions and stress.,

    Of course when the balance goes out of kilter both parties can get upset, angry and hurt etc. At times when I get really riled and start pushing him away I just want him to hug me and tell me of course I am right even if I am not, other times I jsut want him to go away. I have always been the one who sorts out everything the one who cares and indeed the carer. But now it is me I am all at sea and have no ideas of what to do so how can he know what I want or need.

    Really what I am trying to say is that the illness can sometimes do the talking for you, giving out mixed messages that they have to interupt and react to. Things get said in the heat of the moment that can be hurtful, that are not meant and leave both feeling rotten.

  • Lou, I said that to my partner too (now in rehab) . I've said lots of things to him that I don't really mean. He has to work things out for himself. Don't use energy thinking about him, try to think about yourself. Be kind to yourself. That's what I'm doing, for a change!

    Love, hugs & miles of smiles xxx

  • Thats the thing he didnt say anything. It was his Mum who said it all. Not a thing off him. No phone calls or anything.

    Like you say Suehh. Time for me. At least i know i did everything i could. Its the throwing it back in my face i cant get over. I work in a enviroment where abuse is a main factor and it doesnt bother me.

    Thanks for you're kind words. Hope you have a good day today.

    Love Lou. xxx

  • Sorry if silly question but does he know his mum called you?

  • He was at his Mums when he called me. He asked if i wanted to speak to her, as i was that way out i said no. She must have heard me having a rant and took the phone off him. x

  • Oh bless u hun! You must be in bits. You said earlier that he's a mummy's boy, maybe she's telling him not to call you. Or maybe he's thinking the same as you, (she had hump, dumped me and hasn't contacted since) but maybe is just how you see it because you know situation best.

    I wish you all the best in whatever you decide to do! xx

  • Hi. PB. "Mummy's boy". Yes, this can be a real problem. Even though the 'child' may be in his fifties he is still a' child' to some mothers. They can't let go! My grandmother was 101 when she died and still gave my father (who was in his seventies!) tea and biscuits to take home with him when he visited her. My father was always well fed but her 'habit' was so strong. Very, very difficult to overcome this problem and, of course, my mother resented this although it was well intentioned. Love. jonathan.

  • Lol women usually do resent this Jonathan as they feel as though it is now their job to look after the mummy's boy! Which also doesn't help the situation does it! x

  • Yes PB. And how many men marry the sort of women who will be a substitute Mum? A hell of a lot! A partnership MUST be a partnership of equals. No one person dominating the other. Sad. I did it at first in my marriage. Caused no end of problems because my wife is someone who, definitely, will not be dominated. Love. jonathan.

  • Thankyou................i actually dont feel in bits, think still angry. I have done helped his Mum to take pressure of him. She has alzheimers and gets like this. This time though its really got to me. She prob has said not to phone, or its knocked him back where he is just going to bury his head into the sand.

    This time he has to sort it out. I always do the running, making sure everything is ok, being the peacemaker, trying to stop any extra pressure on the both of them. I get slated and get nothing back.

    At the moment i dont know what i am going to do. Take a back seat. He wont get in touch, i know him. Like Suehh says use this time to get myself back on track and have a breather from it all.

    Love Lou. xx

  • everything happens for a reason, if you arent the one in the wrong dont let yourself feel bad!! i know its easier said than done tho but were human and thats life;-)

  • It is easier said than done. i did say that i would be there. Even though i am angry i do wonder if he is ok. It will have upset him. He hasnt rung and he does normally by this time. I just have to let it go. Why should i always make the first move. Maybe a bit of time on his own will make him realise just how much i was there for him. Maybe not! Not like you say things happen for a reason. x

  • Hi. lou. Yes, but if you go looking for reasons as to why we behave the way we do then you could spend the rest of your life looking. Things are as they are. People are as they are. We cannot blame them if they lack understanding. We have to deal with each situation as it arises. Not anticipate. I said before, and please understand I am not suggesting you drop your friend, but if you go on as you are YOU will finish up in trouble. I do not feel there is a lot more to be said. It's your life and only you can make the necessary decisions. Life can be hard but do not make it harder for yourself. Love and good wishes. jonathan.

  • I get what you mean. I come on here for honesty. I am not going to do anymore chasing. He has to do this by himself.

    Love Lou xx

  • Hi. lou. If you really mean this then stick to it. We get hurt again and again by repeating the same mistakes over and over. We all need to learn from our experience.

    A lot of nervous suffering is caused by trying to hold on to the past. "I would not have felt this way IF". No good! There are times when we must move on otherwise we become entrenched in a situation and cannot move from it. Like those dreams some have (including me) where you KNOW there is danger but you cannot move. We can learn a lot from dreams! Again, I wish you well. Love. jonathan.

  • I hope i can stick to it. Bit of a soft touch. Just keep telling myself i didnt ask for all the grief yesterday, just for standing by someone who isnt well. Doesnt think much of me not to get in touch. So yeah i have to stick to it.

    Love Lou. xx

  • Hi Lou, I don't want you to think I'm ignoring you love, but I am reading this and taking as much in as I can. You do need a treat love and a break from all of this. Let them bang their heads together for a few days. Pamper yourself for a change, don't beat yourself up. You are brilliant!! Much Love xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  • Thankyou Ellabella. xxxx

  • Keep strong. Love and hugs.

    Sue xxx

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