Just need some support please

Hi Everyone, I'm not out for sympathy but support please. I know some of you know me and I have spoken before about my son. For those of you that are new on the site I am a typical anxious// depressive// agoraphobic. I seem to trip along for a while , slipping here and there, or full fall flat on my face. Nothing much shocks me anymore and I am very friendly....but today I'm struggling with myself. My son has been in Rehab for the last 3 weeks and now he has come out . Obviously this hasn't worked as he has been drinking while in there and spent all his money on god knows what .He is 39 years old and scares the hell out of me. He has been violent before when he doesn't get his own way and just loses himself in drugs and drink. He has been everyday asking for money and I just don't have it and when he went in I resolved not to hand any money over. Food and shelter yes, money no. I can't??I live on DLA and they don't allow anymore than absolutely necessary, and that's a daily struggle. My family regard him as a joke! but it's my son! and I feel so responsible for him. My head is spinning with all this, and I know nobody can change it but him. I just need to get it out and stop feeling so guilty. I know I must stick to my guns and self preservation has kicked in. But I really dread that knock on the door. Anyone else had experience of this?

Love and hugs x Ella x

23 Replies

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  • ella. You know we all support you through thick and thin so please do not feel alone or isolated. You certainly are going through a very rough patch and my sympathies are with you.

    Knowing you you will certainly bounce back although it is very hard at the moment. You are an inspiration to a lot of people and adversity can sometimes strengthen us. You know what to do and when, so put all your goodwill to use on YOURSELF. Look after number 1 for a while. Come back to us ASAP and let us know how you fare. Lots of Love. jonathan.

  • I have a friend with similar experience and what i,m about to tell you is hard------You will not stop him drinking he has got to want to stop. This addiction can sometimes be due to finding life hard to cope with....there is help (A.A.) which by phoning the help line can give him a local meeting. Also (sorry) you are his safety net, subconciosly he knows his mum will take him in.....now for the immpossible bit...remove the safety net and tell him he is on his own, this could take him to his knees, but sometimes people need to feel beat before they decide to stop......But as a mother i know this is nigh imposssible because if something happens you blame yourself for not being there.....but wait you are the most important person in your life, selfish i think not because if you are not well then you are no good to anyone....so look after yourself..please..xxxx You can also phone help lines for people to listen. Remember if you have done you best, don,t feel guilty, what about your remaining life....x

  • Totally agree!!! Ella, this site might help - know you can't probably get to meetings but lots of info al-anonuk.org.uk/about/meet...

    xxxxxxxx

  • Oh Ella, my love, come here and let me give you a big hug! {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Ellabella}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

    I do understand a bit, my love, cos my (late) sister was an alcoholic and I think probably Borderline Personality Disorder, and she drove the whole family insane with her demands, her abuse, her accusations! :( I know it's not the same as a child, my love, but in the last analysis, an alcoholic has to help themselves - others can support them, but unless they REALLY WANT to change - then nothing else will work! I know he's your son, and you love him, my sweet, but he's 39 - he is NOT your RESPONSIBILITY!!!! If anything, HE should be supporting YOU!!!! Do NOT give him money - he's a disgrace to even ask, although I know that alcoholics/drug addicts will do anything to get their "fix" - but giving him money that you need and he will spend on drink/drugs isn't helping him.

    Ella, my love, I KNOW it's hard, but you really need to look after YOURSELF - you're ill, through no fault of your own, and struggling quite enough without his demands. And - i know this is tough - but if you ever feel physically threatened by him, CALL THE POLICE!!!!

    Our first responsibility is to ourselves, my love, cos otherwise we're no use to anyone else. Whatever his problems are, he's a grown man and he needs to take responsibility for them - they are NOT your responsibility, my love.

    Keep posting, my sweet, if it helps. I won't suggest Al-anon cos I know you can't get out, but you might look for support groups for families of alcoholics on the net - don't know of any but sure there will be some.

    Here for you, my sweet, loads and load and loads of love

    Rose

    xxxxxxx

  • Very sorry to hear that you are going through this .........so very very difficult, as you say he is your son and the love is unconditional, your realise that he is ill too, in the grip of serious addiction and while this is the case his behaviour is so out of control that you don't know what to do.

    It's good that self preservation has set in ......your son is not able to be rational right now or to do anything in the best interest of himself or anybody else. Try to make sure that you are not in any danger .....easier said than done but err on the side of caution.

    As a Mother the guilt is natural when things go wrong for children .....please don't feel bad, this happens to the most amazing mothers .....it can happen to anybody. Some people have the type of genetic makeup where they are much more susceptible to addiction, it's in the hard wiring of the brain.

    Sadly that often means the pain of dealing with it for both the person themselves and their family.

    As Rose said take good care of yourself, you are not being mean by not giving money even if you had loads to give, you know what would happen to that money, he is not in control of things.

    Very Best Wishes PL xx

  • :( my ella bella :( how sad to see you goign through this in your situation, i do understand although i don't have a child. what can you do apart from giving him shelter, you don't have money but they probelm if he gets violent?? can't you find like sometime when he is sobber and talk to him, sit down and have along chat about his problmes? he is obviously depressed? something major happened to him and he is abusing his body in return!! feel sad for both of you, he needs helps but you cannot do it by yourself as well, you need support!! under no circumstances you let him be violent with you and make sure you call for support if things gets out of hands!!

    big hug

    xx

  • Hi Ellabella,

    I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I agree with stde, nobody, not even you, can stop him from drinking. He needs to want to stop.

    I won't say I know how difficult it must to be in your position right now, as that's just going to sound hollow. I think you are torn between your desire to be his mother, provide a safe place for him to come home to, in the hopes that maybe, just maybe, he'll get better, and the desire not to let yourself be subjected to the kind of treatment he dishes out to you. It is sometimes said that an addict won't stop until they hit rock bottom, wake up in the gutter, decide enough is enough, and kick the habit. Until that day arrives, nobody can do anything for them.

    I think in these situations, much as you may not want to, tough love is the only option. Allowing him in your home, to threaten, and possibly even hurt and harm you, is not a wise idea. You can love the boy you raised, but you don't have to love and shelter the person he has become. You can let him know you will always love him, and when the day comes when he wants to kick the habit, you'll be there to welcome him with open arms.

    Don't blame yourself for this. You did not cause this. It was his choice to do drugs and alcohol. Its his choice and his alone to continue to be an addict. You have done absolutely nothing wrong, there is nothing you could have done differently and there is nothing to feel guilty about.

    Have you considered contacting a rehab facility, perhaps one which stages interventions? Oftentimes it takes longer than 3 weeks for an addict to improve, and even after they complete rehab, they need to go to halfway houses, or become part of a support group to make sure they don't relapse.

  • Hello My Precious friends, you know I am alright and I will survive all this because I have lived with it for so long. It started with finding empty aerosol bottles when he was about 15 hidden in his room. I had no idea then why? or what he was doing with them then. Then it progressed. When he was 16 he was on life support after using lighter gas fuel and freezing his lungs. He has had everything the NHS has to offer over the years but he seems intent on destroying himself. This was not the first time in rehab.I feel sometimes that I wish he had succeeded in one of the many overdoses he has taken. In fact...yes I have even lived with the thought that he had already died. Till the next time. You couldn't make it up some of the things he has gone through and us his family. Just to feel supported is so good. He has a daily script at the chemist as he can't be trusted with any more medication than that. He has a lot of help when he needs it or wants it. I just sort of emotionally detach myself somehow. Yet you know he can be very loving as well in rare glimpses. I wouldn't hesitate to ring the police as I have had to do it many times before and they have been very good to me. BUT I do know he has to make the decision himself and he hasn't hit rock bottom yet. Maybe it will be soon or not. It's his choice. Meanwhile I have you lot!! or you have me!!and I ain't arf glad!. So if anyone is going through this or even going through the problems with substance abuse, my eyes have been opened and you can confide anything to me. I am so thankful for all your kind loving words and feel supported for the first time. Just being able to write this down is lifting me up. Please don't worry, I've been through a lot worse and am still here. Lots of Love and Hugs to you All xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  • Although I don't have children, so possibly have no right to comment, I agree with the others, that you have done all that is humanly possible and should not live in fear of physical abuse. You know what to do.

    I know that its hurtful for your son to be regarded as a 'joke'. He is, after all, your son. However, he must earn your and their respect and if he was drinking in rehab' it would appear to be a long road. I'm afraid tough love is called for. Allowing him to bully you will probably escapulate into something very unpleasant. Stop it now.

    All my love and support

  • Hi Maya , we must have been writing at the same time love, I know he was drinking whilst in rehab or they would probably have kept him for longer. He does have people coming to his flat everyday to check he is ok. His neighbours leave their leftover food outside his door and keep an eye out for his safety. It's these things that sort of wring my insides tight and in a knot because I don't know how much lower he will go.xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  • Thank you Anna, please comment on anything , all are welcome good or bad. I will stick to my guns now and your love and support are much needed , bless you xxxx

  • Hello darling,Ella,

    What a hideous situation for you to be in. My heart goes out to you. How soul destroying to watch someone you love so dearly descend into such a state and become someone you hardly recognise. All the more so darling, because you are powerless to help. You cannot save people from themselves and you cannot help someone who doesn't want to be helped. All you can do is love him and you do not have to have contact with him to do that. You must protect yourself, Ella, for your own sake. I know it feels heartless to you but truely he is not in a place where you can help him. Maybe at some point in the future he will be ready to accept help and by keeping yourself safe now you may be in a position to support him. Until then ...

    Take care of yourself and keep in touch.x

  • Big massive hugs and love my lovely friend. My ex.......................oh no here we go again, He was a alcoholic. 1.5 litre bottle of vodka a day. First thing in the morning, quick shot that went on all day. You couldnt even tell he was drunk. went to work, functioned but in the years i was with him, he was sober twice, then had bad side effects.

    You can not help someone who will help themselves. The booze is there everything. How can you as a mother not want to help him, and make the problem go away. Thats the type of person you are ...................honestly its only him that can do it.

    I admire you for saying you wouldnt hesitate on calling the police. I have the upmost respect that you would do that. Tough love is the best love. My ex's mother used to give him money to help buy booze. Thought it would help, not a chance. Soft love is the worse thing. All you doing is fueling the addiction.

    You as a person are a very special person. NEVER blame yourself that you are a bad mum. You are doing the best thing by not giving him the money. He gets violent then ring the police. Believe me people have said before that was the best thing that could have happened to them.

    You look after you. Be there for him, but be firm. Addiction is a denial, easy way to not to deal with normality. Like others have said he is not a child, he should be standing on his own two feet.

    You have to look after yourself. You have enough going on.

    Love Lou xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  • Whoops meant you cant help someone who cant and wont help themselves. xx

  • I can't add to what's been said other than ou are both in my thoughts.

    regards,

    sandra.

  • Thank you so much for your support. I can't tell you how much it means to me to be able to unburden myself to other souls. Kind , caring souls who listen and take the time and effort ,through troubles of your own, to write such caring letters. Christmas is a particularly difficult time for coping with an alcoholic person as they use it as an excuse to drink and others accept it more easily and think it's funny. It's tragic. I can feel the support from you all. Bless You,

    Thank You Very Much x Ella x

  • hi ella only just come on this site and seen your message.I hope u are ok and such a lovely lady.It must be hard as your son needs you but at the same time you have to look after you too.I guess tough love is the best and maybe once he hits rock bottom he will realise and want to get off the drink.Dealing with an alcoholic isnt funny its an illness and like all illnesses need treating.Sending u love n hugs and a big sssqqquuueeeeeezzzeeee im here for u and if u want to pm me feel free x claire xx

  • Thank you Claire love, I really appreciate all the messages of hope and guidance I have had. That squeeze has hit the spot! keep safe sweetheart xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx x Ella x

  • i cant add anything worth while EB, its an awful situation, here for you as always if you need support, a chat about anything, love and hugs VV x

  • Hi Ella, I haven't been on here for a while so only just seen this, I don't have anything to add to what the others have said just wanted to add a voice of support and send you virtual hugs xxxx

  • Thank you VV and Doucam feel so strange I gave him some money to get rid of him and he was off like a shot :( I shouldn't have done that but couldn't stand any more xxxxxxxxx

  • Don't feel bad about it. You do what you have to do to survive the moment. It must be so heart breaking for you. I'm new here but couldn't not respond to your post as I can imagine you must feel pretty low right now. Xxx

  • Thank you Maisie, it comes in and out of my mind, but hey it's done now. Welcome to the site! You are so welcome here xxxxxxxxxxxxx

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