Whenever I try to get family support I fail

[Coliboo]

Can anyone offer some advice? I have two teenaged children and a husband who works away from Sunday until Friday. Even though both the kids are at home (one unemployed the other just finished exams) they do nothing. Whenever I ask them to do stuff I get sullen looks at best and am often shouted at . My husband does not want to know. My son is particularly bad. Yesterday I left home at 7.30 am for work (he having woken me at 1.20 am to ask for taxi money) and when I came out of my last meeting at 9.30 pm facing a 90-minute drive home I had a message from him asking for money for a takeaway because he 'couldn't be ar*ed' to cook after clearning up some mess he and his friend had made. This argument continued when I got home and, once again, I ended up in tears, crying myself to sleep without any proper food myself. When I rang my husband to ask for help he just said I needed to stop going on at our son. Honestly, honestly I DO NOT go on, I praise him when he does things and very rarely, like last night, ask him to help. we have supported him for two years while he has been unemployed and gone through a range of problems. My life is an absolute misery. I am feeling very low today though thankfully I am in work . I feel uncomfortable and unloved and unappreciated in my own home. I dread being there. Please help - I don't know what I am doing wrong or what else to try. I have tried sitting down with them all and they all say I am going on again and just see everything negatively. I don't know where to turn. I am so lonely.

[Hidden]

This I can imagine would make you feel as you do , would send me mad to be honest

Well two of mine have left home , have a 19 year old at home , at college & maybe another year there or work , debate on that one at the moment

How ever , which he chooses to do , he knows that he has to do one or the other or my quote is "This is my House , I want you here , but , if you cant live by my rules you will have to move out "

Don't get me wrong , I am very soft & loving , but , at the same time , I do expect certain things & wont tolerate any other & all of them have known that

Now your hubby been away all week , he is not having to put up with it as he is not there , you are , so its easy for him to say you need to stop nagging

I would sit hubby down & tell him yet again , if you havnt already , exactly how this is making you feel , if again he says its you nagging , I would say fine

Then I would ask him to say how much money , they should have a week , that he should give it them & would he make it clear that once they have spent it there is no more

And once they do , which no doubt they will & if they come back asking for more , you have to stay firm & start saying "no " no matter how much they kick of , infact when they do , walk away , take yourself in the bath or something , let them no you are not listening , their raised voices are not going to make you back down (will be hard but you can do it )

As for the mess , tell your hubby , you will stop nagging them for it , you will ask once , but if they don't do it you will be leaving it , as you don't have the time or energy to keep this up

The house may look a tip (which I would find hard ) but when hubby comes home at weekends , he might see this nagging he suggests you stop , what happens when you do , then with a bit of luck he might support you more

This is what I would try , like I say wont be easy for a few weeks , but in the long run it might show without the nagging , what is happening all week,as you have straightened it all up for when he gets home

As a wife and Mum , we don't have to be put on , but if we let them , they will

Hope you get this sorted & feel you should , because you are important , remember that

Love

whywhy

xxx

[Cloudy146]

Aww I so relate to how your feeling . My teenage son is such a slob. , he is working but his room is a tip . I have tried nagging , bribery and my latest is to take his door off . I have threatened and it had not done any good . So Saturday joiner booked , and the door is coming off , if he wants to live like a slob then everyone can see that . I agree with why why , as mums we don't have to be slaves .

[BriarRose]

Hi Coliboo - I totally agree with Whywhy - your house, your rules - and if you're supporting your son, and working such long hours, then he could/should help out at home - and not just "take".

I'm not a mother, but, frankly, if my son who'd been home all day wanted my money for a take-away because he "couldn't be a*sed" to cook - I think I'd say - Neither can I, I'm getting MYSELF a take-away, you can cook yourself something or go without!

Personally, I'd go further than Why where the money is concerned - well, at least with your son, if the other is doing exams that's different - but he's not working so - let him "earn" whatever you give him. If he doesn't - clean his room, iron his clothes, cook the occasional meal - then - dock his allowance! He needs to realise a) there are no free lunches and b) you are his mother, not, as Cloudy put it, his slave!

Many many years ago, one of my sisters was a bit like this, and my mother, who was as soft as soap where the kids were concerned, said to her in the end "Well, if you think I'm so unreasonable, go and get a room and see if any landlord will put up with it!" Needless to say, sis didn't!

It isn't you, hun, and as Why says, it's easy for your husband, he doesn't see what you have to put up with. Go on strike, love, you're his mum not the housekeeper, and see how they like it when "Mum" doesn't dance to their tune!

good luck, and keep blogging!

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Rose

xxxxxx

[Hidden]

I agree with whywhy and BriarRose - if you establish some ground rules and stick to them, they will eventually get the message. Being shouted at by your own children is totally unacceptable. State that clearly and then walk away. That would be my number one rule - respect has to be the starting point.

As to the household chores - I would start small and build up gradually. I trained my son how to load and turn on the washing machine, then he "learned" how to hang out the washing, now he even does his own ironing (and nags me to do mine!). He takes turns to do the washing up or putting everything away, and dustbin days he doesn't even need reminding any more. I never thank him for doing these things (as they are as much his job as mine) but I do praise if he does the chores without being reminded. I haven't got him on dusting and hoovering yet - but it's only a matter of time... In the end, as parents we owe them the responsibility of giving them the tools to look after themselves - if they can't take an equal share in the household tasks then as BriarRose suggests they could try living in their own home - they would soon find that bills don't pay themselves and the housework doesn't get done by magic.

Remember - one day these young men may have a partner - be the best "mother-in-law" they could wish for by training your boys to be self-sufficient. A man who can iron is a great catch for any girl!

Put yourself first - you deserve a rest.

Arden x

[Loopylou1411]

Agree with all of the above and know what you are going through and yes when all are not working with you in the house it isolates us mums, I tend to go to my bedroom and do my nails and watch tv, its like when I was a teenager myself but its my sanctuary from the tension of teenagers. My kids get pocket money each month and if they don't do the agreed chores I deduct money accordingly. They hate it. I used to shout all the time and nag as they said but the majority of the time I go silent and ignore. As for your husband well I got rid of mine but now have a boyfriend that's similar. The only one I get support from is my father and he is the one that cleans in his home so he gets where I am coming from. As for waking you up and asking for money for takeaway tell them to get a job! How dare they! You put your head up high and keep your values and don't feel you are in the wrong. As you can read in our comments we support you and things have to change for the well being of you and if they don't sort things out then they are disrespecting their mum. Xxxx good luck and strength to all dogs bodies ... I mean us mums lol xxx