Well had a night out for the first time since all this started with my long time no see partner. Ended up with 3 people talking about their problems. Public transport was a nightmare.
Feel like i am being punished as the partner hasnt been in touch today. Sent him a text, and tried to ring but phone on voicemail. I know he has had a crap week, but i always get the brunt of it.
My Grandad died 2 years on Monday, day after his 99th birthday (tomorrow would have been his birthday). Would be nice to have someone there to help me through it. Doesnt work like that. Cant even get in touch. Tbh its annoying me. I am there at a drop of a hat but the one time i need him i cant get through.
Sorry guys sound selfish again, he cant help it but is all one sided. I know its a case of if i dont like it i should walk. Believe me it enters my mind a lot, but not so simple. I just need a rant cos anxiety is so bloody horrible all round.
I'm going through something similar with my bf. When I call he doesn't answer. It takes ages (or what seems like ages) for him to respond to texts. And I reply promptly, pickup his calls, and am there when he needs to rant. But when I recently had a really bad quarrel with my mom and needed him, he was too busy with work and his stupid office party. So I understand what you mean when it sounds all one sided - like you're always giving, but getting nothing in return. And at the same time you wonder if you're being selfish about it all.
Would it help if you listed down the stuff he does do for you? Oftentimes when I'm feeling alone and frustrated, all I can focus on is the time he let me down, the times he wasn't there, the times he didn't answer my calls, the times he didn't text me enough, the list goes on. Then I go accuse him of not caring and he points out the other things he did, which I either failed to notice or failed to remember, as I was too busy focusing on the times he failed me. My point is if you kept a list, maybe when you're feeling down about him not being in touch, you can look at the list of stuff he does do to show he cares, and you can feel comforted.
Sometimes when a person can't be there for us there could be a good reason for it. And his failure to be there for you could have nothing to do with you, nor is it something personal against you.
Hope you feel better. Post again if you don't. Take care.
Aw Lou...what a carry on! Don't you ever apologise for being selfish missis! You have the patience of a saint and it looks as if you need it too :(. I don't blame you for being annoyed Lou, I would be as well. He can help sending a text ,even if he feels terrible, a text is easy to do. You have only been good to him and he must know that. I am so sorry love about your Grandad...it is very hard losing someone you love and who loved you unconditionally as us Grandparents do. Sounds like he taught you well love. You know Lou you really don't deserve this, and you rant as much as you like! I think he is being a bit naughty ;(
Lots of Love xxxxxxxxEllaxxxxxxxx
Father Christmas won't come to him! Have you tried that? xxxxxxxxxxx
I am on the verge of just saying enough is enough. Sending him a text saying how i am there, but he cant be. Today i am just finding it hard to see a way through all this. One thing after another, and do i really need this.
How are you? Are you feeling any more positive. We all ready for this online Christmas party. Great fancy dress and music. You take it easy aswell my lovely friend
Love Lou. xxxxxxxxxxx
Hi Maya.
He is the one dealing with anxiety. He has had a bad week with his mum, so i know that has knocked it out of him.
Writing down things is a good idea. We got back together last Oct, after 20 odd years. He was living in Scotland with his Mum. He moved back down in January. I found him where he lives. When he moved back down everything went wrong, due to reasons no fault of his own. He has done nothing for me. I have had to do everything for him. When he finally had his meltdown in August, he hasnt really been there. I dont see him now, as he shuts himself off. We speak on the phone 3x day, barr weekends. Things are very complicated and he has basically had 8 years of stress that have finally caught up with him.
I didnt spend my birthday with him, we had a weekend together when we moved his Mum down from Scotland, but he was in his own world. I have a lot of things going on at work, but i cant really talk to him about it. I feel i am more the carer at the mo. When i have said i cant do it anymore he will say he understands, and that he does want to be with me.
Even i am reading this and today i am thinking what a crazy situation this is. I know its not his fault. Today i just dont know whether it is worth holding onto.
I'm so sorry, I totally misunderstood your situation.
Your partner is very luck to have you there beside him.
Your post is great because it offers a perspective of someone who is not dealing with anxiety themselves, but has someone in their life who is. I think we can all learn a lesson that when we are so caught up in our own anxiety we tend to think of ourselves and not those around us who may have needs too.
I understand it must be incredibly difficult being torn between the fact that you care for him and the fact that he doesn't seem capable of meeting your needs emotionally (eg. by being there when you need him). Chances are, when he has a moment of calm, he is appreciative of you being in his life and by his side. Maybe he hasn't had the opportunity to express it, or doesn't know how to express it? The fact that he says he does want to be with you is perhaps an indication that he does care for you, but sometimes is just unable to do so when he's overwhelmed. Maybe when he shuts off, its just his way of dealing with the situation as he wants to try to deal with things by himself without troubling you? I'm not in any way justifying his behaviour, in which he goes into his own world and ignores those around him. However in every situation there are always 2 sides, both of which seem valid to the one experiencing it.
Is he getting treatment for his condition? When he is calm is it possible to work out a game plan in which you both help each other, e.g. he tries to listen to you and support you, and in turn you do likewise for him? If he is simply unable to be there, vent or get support from others in your life. Post on this forum if you need a listening ear. Maybe after you've got the support you needed and feel a little calmer, you'll be able to see things more clearly and decide whether you wish to continue with this relationship.
Oh and I forgot to add, you are most certainly NOT alone! We're all here for you.
Thanks very much Maya. He hasnt been in touch today which at the mo i am really angry about, as he knows the next few days are hard for me.
I am going to leave him be. There isnt much else i can do. I come on here and get your side and try and understand how you are feeling. To me though does it really hurt to send a text,
I dont think its best i speak to him as things are. I feel so resentful that i am there and he isnt, the one time i could do with him.
I have been out with friends but come home as i am feeling agitated with the whole thing, and feeling extremely let down.
Big hugs dear! I feel your frustration and disappointment in him and the way he is handling things. Especially since even a small thing like texting you would make you feel a whole loads better.
Are there others in your life you can remember your grandpa with? Maybe siblings or your parents? Maybe you can get together with them and remember the wonderful times you had with your grandpa. I'm sure your grandpa would want you to be happy and not have the anniversary of his passing be an occassion on which you are feeling down. Is there some special activity you and your grandpa shared? Or maybe something, e.g. a cause, which was dear to him? Maybe you can do something for that cause or carry out that activity as a way of honoring his memory.
Try not to think anymore about your partner as then you'd be feeling frustrated and angry on top of sad and missing your grandpa.
Lots of love and hugs.
I tend to go around with a smile on my face and act like all is ok. I get tired of talking about it as its been constant for 4 months. No-one understands like you all do on here. Others say should leave him etc.
I have my own personal and quiet thoughts about my Grandad. Tomorrow is his anniversary and will be worse. At least i am at work and it will help.
Just being reading through peoples blogs. May i say you are going through a tough time, but come out with some good advice. There are a few on here that amaze me, as you go through your own rubbish, but come on here and help others.
I read things to get a insight on how my other half must be feeling. As i say at the mo i am too angry and let down to feel sympathy for him, as look how you all deal with things. Harsh maybe but hey ho.
So sorry you're having to go through this horrible time by yourself. You are right to feel angry and resentful, surely part of the reason we have relationships is so there's someone there for us during the bad times!!!! It isn't possible for you to keep giving and giving and getting nothing in return and it certainly isn't right. I really think this so I am not about to offer a defence for your partner. However ...
When I am really low I find communication v hard. I drive those who care about me mad by being able to put on a mask, go to work laugh and chatter to everyone and then come home and be unable to pick up the phone for weeks. (It's a wonder I have any friends left!!!) Why do I do it? Well the loop goes like this. At first I'm tired, can't be bothered to chat but then I've missed calls, there are messages, texts, emails mounting up. I need to reply but I need to give them my full attention so I wait and now there are more. Now I need to apologise for not being there too. I've ignored messages and calls for help. I'm the worst friend ever. I watch the phone ring in horror. How can i answer now? I'd have to explain why I didn't answer before?!!! I was just wondering if your boyfriend has got into a simular loop. He knows he isn't there for you; knows he needs to meet your needs; feels guilty that he isn't; can't imagine how he can explain so he does nothing. He's paralysed in this loop.
Since I don't know him Lou I've no way of knowing if this is true but it's a thought.
If you decide to continue with him perhaps you need to draw up some kind of contract of minimum standards of care and response you both need to get you through this awful period. This isn't all about him and you have a duty of care to yourself too.
Take Care,x
Wow thanks for that . He is a very lonely person at the best of the times. He only opens up to me, and even then at times i have to prise it out of him. That is all he is at the moment is tired. Sleeps, works and sleeps.
He has rung me about a hour ago but i ignored it. I know that i will say things that shouldnt be said, so i need to calm down and wait. I dont ignore him usually but its a first. I am not doing it to make any statements, but i know i will let rip and its not ideal for the both of us at the mo.
I certainly dont feel like you are taking sides with him at all. Like i say it gives me a insight of how you are all feeling. Its frustrating on both sides.
Glad it helped a bit. If it's any consolation I think you did the right thing ignoring his call. You have the satisfaction of knowing he has called but you have managed to avoid a confrontation neither of you needs at the moment. Like I said, you have to protect yourself too.
All my love,
Lizard.
It has helped. I know he does feel guilty. Give it a few days, get my things out of the way first.
Thankyou. You lovely lot always make sense, and keep me thinking things through and not doing anything to dramatic.........................yet
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I just feel lost......
NEED SOME ADVICE FROM MY LOVELIES
