I've had an Anxiety Disorder for over 6-7 months now, (which to many of you may seem like a short amount of time) - however my mind seems to be almost exhausted from the crazy cycling thoughts that rush through it at almost every hour of every day.
When i had my first panic attack, i thought it was a heart attack, i rushed my self to the walk-in centre as white as a sheet thinking that it was the end, with thoughts such as; "i'm far too young to die" and "maybe its time for me to go".. Now you might be thinking "Pff-t, Drama!", but if you've experienced a panic attack before, then you'll be able to connect with these thoughts. After i was told it was a 'harmless' panic attack, it put my mind at rest, and i started to calm down after that and then a day or two later, back to normal again, however a bit shook up as to why i was having a panic attack when there's nothing really that important - per say - happening in my life.
Well anyway, i started to get a little bit paranoid every now and again thinking that i was going to have another one, having thoughts like; "if i had a panic attack while i was fine, then that means i could pretty much have one at any time! and i don't want to go through that horrible petrifying experience again!". So i was always a little bit on edge from time to time, but not all the time, about having a panic attack.
After about 3-4 weeks, i realised that i always seemed to be slightly on edge, paranoid, fearful of a panic attack coming on. Every little niggle in my body, like a little pain in my chest, or a slight headache was automatically agreed in my head that "uh oh, what if i've got a heart problem? " or " oh no, have i got a brain tumour? what's that i'm feeling in my head? a headache? what if its not a headache and its a brain tumour, i've got cancer, oh my god, its more common than i thought, i've got cancer, i'm going to die". << ALL THESE thoughts were cycling through my head at such a quick pace and all i was doing was sitting on a bus! Before i knew it, my whole body had turned to jelly, i couldn't move a muscle, i started to get hot flushes, i could feel my face going pale, and my heart was running a mile! I started to look around me and everything was slightly insignificant, and i felt a bit dizzy, felt like an out-of-body experience, like it wasn't actuly happening.
From then on, i've been feeling really anxious about everything and anything, especially things like illness's like cancer and death. I decided to go the doctor's and they said "you might have GAD (Generalised Anxiety Disorder)", to which i thought "Me? with an anxiety disorder? god, that's not like me!". Anyway, i havn't been going out as much with my friends anymore, havn't really been doing stuff anymore, being slightly more anti-social and i'm pretty on edge most of the time for no reason!
I've tried most things to try and get rid of anxiety like exerscise, changing my diet, taking multi-vitamins, trying new hobbies, stopped drinking alcohol, and i'm pretty much the same. I'm still experimenting with different things to try so if anybody has any suggestion as to different idea's, please let me know. But for now, exercise seems to be most effective and when exercising, you don't really feel anxious what so ever, but.. it eventually comes back, i'm not looking for a short-term release, i'm looking to get rid of it for good!
I'm finding it harder and harder to cope with my anxiety, because my head is getting really exhausted, and i'm finding it more and more difficult to do simple things because my head just get's me down with crazy anxiety, thus depressing me, which leaves me sitting there, unable to move, with a really grim attitude on life and doing simple chores.
I ended up going back to the doctor's to find out if there was anything physically wrong with me so the doc' sent me for a blood test, which came back all clear. Which - funnily enough - i was dreading, i wanted there to be something wrong with me physically, so maybe there could of been a quick easy cure and then Wallop! back to my self again! but no, it's all in my head. So i've been put up for CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy), which i hope hope hope will work wonders, otherwise, it looks like i'm going to have to spend the rest of my life, being weighed down in everything i do with terrible stupid anxiety. All i can do is hope that i'll be back to my normal self one day and Anxiety will never return. Finding it hard to cope now which is why i decided to make this blog, because it makes me feel alot better when i hear about other people in the same boat as me, it's like a massive relief.
Cheers for readin,