Growing up I was a happy and carefree child. It wasn't until my senior year of high school that I had my very first panic attack. About 6 months prior to my attack, I was constantly stressing out daily trying to keep up with my spriritual, social, and school work life. I remember feeling really pressured by my mom to be an example in the church. I lived a very restricted life, I could only have friends whom where from the church. I felt the pressure of which College I was going to and what career path I would take. It all bottled up until one night... I exploded.
That night, I was working late on some math homework. Then as I lay down on my bed to go to sleep, I felt a weird sensation, intense fear. It felt like I was being possessed by a demon and that I was going to die. I shot up out of my bed and ran to my mom and told her that I couldn't breathe and that something was wrong with me. I remember pacing back and forth in the kitchen, checking my pulse, feeling so scared. I couldn't feel my arms or legs, so we decided to go to the ER where they told me that I was having a panic attack. I couldn't believe that it was anxiety, I seriously thought something was wrong and I was dying. But after many doctor visits and examinations, I was diagnosed with anxiety disorder.
Today, I still struggle with panic, derealization, anxiety, and negative thoughts. I fear the feelings that I felt that night. I have gotten better. My anxiety attacks are less frequent. I acknowledge that my feelings are just anxiety and they seem to settle down. Of course, some days are harder then others. I look forward to the day that I can live without worrying and overthinking so much about my anxiety, all it does is suck the joy out of my days. I find console watching YouTube videos, Pinterest, facebook, talking to family and friends, and typing out my thoughts and feelings onto this community. This online community has helped me realize that I'm not the only one who feels those terrifying feelings, and that it can be helped. I look forward to the time where I can enjoy my life fully again.