Sufferer of Anxiety Disorder and Panic Disorder

Hi there. My name is Emma and I started suffering from severe anxiety attacks and panic attacks a couple of years ago now, The reason these came on were because I started to look into emigrating to Canada from the UK, on my own, without any family or friends or any kind of support network.

I thought when I was waiting for my visa to come through that I could do this, as it has always been my dream to live in Canada. However, when my dream became a reality and I got the visa my life fell apart. I had so much anxiety that just built up and up, the more I pushed myself towards my goal the more anxiety I had, which eventualy overflowed into a massive panic attack and subsequent small panic attacks and then a long bout of depression, as I felt like I could not achieve my dreams, at least not in the way I wanted and this pretty much led to a meltdown for me. I was so ill for a long time and felt like my life was never going to be good again. I still get days when I feel like this.

I love Canada, the place the people, but I also love my family and I could not choose between the two. It has now been two years since I called my plans off and I am just getting over the depression and coming out the other side and starting to smile and laugh again. It still hurts inside knowing I cannot have my dream, but I am still going to travel there whenever I can. I just realised somewhere along my journey that moving 3000 miles away from my home, my family, everyone I love - on my own... just was not for me, as much as I wanted it, I could not do it. It has taken two years of counselling/therapy/CBT, talking to friends and trying really hard to get myself back to being me again.

It is still an uphill struggle from day to day. I still struggle with anxiety and have bad days where I cry and feel like a failure and a coward. Thoughts running through my head tell me this all the time, but it is getting easier little by little.

I still get bad days when I want to live in Canada ao much and I think that is because I am still on my own and don't want to be. I think my reasons for moving to Canada was so I could, hopefully, meet that special man to share a life with so I did not have to be alone forever and I am still wanting that so much and because I love the place so much. I wanted to prove to myself that I could do this, achieve something and make my family proud of me.

I guess I will have to try and find another way to achieve my dreams, at least partially and hope when the time is right I will meet that special someone who will accept that I suffer with anxiety and will share my love of Canada too and hopefully I will learn to accept that I cannot have all of my dreams and then hopefully the anxiety will get easier to live with. I need to learn to accept this, which is the hard part. I started reading a book recently called "The Secret", which is all about positive thinking and the law of attraction, so I am hoping if I keep asking the universe then maybe my dreams will come true in a way that is right for me and feels good. I hope so....

Thanks for listening, Emma

7 Replies

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  • HI Emma,

    I Understand were you are coming from.

    Once i had my first panic attack, it was like everything hit me at once, and i suffered from Depression for ages afterwards, but eventually i pulled myself out of it, for my sons sake. 6 years after they started, i feel able to cope with them when they start. I find that positive thinking is major - as Anxiety loves negative thoughts!

    You should always look to the future and see a bright one, i know its hard when you are feeling so bad inside, but believe me - it gets better! I now have a lovely partner of 4 years a great job and i am very happy.

    I never thought i would meet my perfect man :) being a single mum so young, but i did.

    I still have my down days, when things get on top of me! but i have learnt to push the bad thoughts into a little box in my head and they stay there, i don't want them :)

    so i think about good things, about my future, things i enjoy.

    I will sit calmly in my room breath slowly and deeply - then the bad feelings begin to ease, not always the physical symptoms, but they ease off gradually.

    Then i will watch a good Film a happy one, or read an inspirational book, or Haunted Liverpool, my Fav :)

    Remember Emma, no matter how bad you feel, things will get better, it will take time, but you wont feel like this forever. You are not a failure - and you can live your dream when you feel ready for it!

    And you deserve to be happy x

  • Thanks Boo1983. I agree the panic attack is the worst, before that hit me I was anxious but okay then once I had my first panic attack it was like I just crumbled and had a mini meltdown. I just wanted everything to end and was bad for a long while, but thanks to my family, friends and counselling I am slowly pulling myself around.

    I still want love Canada and would love to live there, but there are more ways to achieve our dreams and I am looking into this. I am not prepared to emigrate if it is going to tear me apart inside like it did. Maybe if I was not doing it on my own it would have been different, but I was and that was harder than I anticipated.

    I am now trying to be more positive and not over think things, which I do a lot and have recently a couple of weeks ago taken a tour manager course, which hopefully will eventually lead to tours in Canada and give me my dream, at least partially. I figured this would give me the best of everything., but am taking one day at a time and not rushing into things.

    I think it is nice talking to others people, like yourself, who understands how bad this illness can be - most people who have never been there can understand.

    Thanks Emma

  • That is great Emma that you are taking your first step towards your future, when i chose to do that my life changed for the better.

    My Anxious days are thankfully few and far between now,

    And I don't know if it will ever fully go away, but you can choose NOT to let it destroy your life.

    Good luck with everything! x

  • Hi Emma

    It's great to read that you overcame depression and major anxiety.

    My first thought when reading your blog was that you could go to Canada for short breaks? Or an extended holiday? Maybe even with a friend? Like taking small steps towards your dream but not leaving your family behind completely.

    Also you have your whole life ahead of you and there is so much time for things to happen.

    I think that is part of what has fuelled my anxiety. I want to live my dreams now and I'm pushing too hard to make it happen. I forget that I have my whole life to do it all.

    I think it's good that you're feeling better however and I would just say keep thinking positive and enjoy life for the 'now'. Don't waste your days until your dream happens (which I'm sure it will) make everyday a good day so you can look back happily. When you're positive, positive things come your way :)

    xx

  • Thanks Mandy26. I travel to Canada already, which is what prompted the emigration dream. I love it there and wanted to try living there, but I guess this was too big a dream for me, as it meant being 3000 miles away from family/friends on my own.

    What I have recently been looking into, since getting myself to a better place in my head is tour manager. I recently took a course in how to do this and am hoping it will lead me, eventually, to doing coach tours in Canada so I can get over there every year.

    I am still not back to my old confident self, it is like that part of me has vanished, but I am getting there and found the counselling and my friends. I am just taking one day at a time now and if I cannot live in Canada, I can travel there as and when I can, like you said. There is more than one way to achieve our dreams, we just need to get out of the bad place in our heads and try and not overthink things, which I do a lot.

    Thanks Emma

  • hi Wildmage. have you read that book you mentioned? who is the author? I live about 1700 km from my country and it doesnt help to overcome my anxiety itd. I wish I had a good therapy before leaving for the Uk :( take care

  • Hi Gatita. The book is called "evolvong self confidence" by Terry Dixon. This is a very good book all about anxiety disorders and just reading it makes me feel better. I got in on Amazon, so definitely worth buying.

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