Hi there. My name is Emma and I started suffering from severe anxiety attacks and panic attacks a couple of years ago now, The reason these came on were because I started to look into emigrating to Canada from the UK, on my own, without any family or friends or any kind of support network.
I thought when I was waiting for my visa to come through that I could do this, as it has always been my dream to live in Canada. However, when my dream became a reality and I got the visa my life fell apart. I had so much anxiety that just built up and up, the more I pushed myself towards my goal the more anxiety I had, which eventualy overflowed into a massive panic attack and subsequent small panic attacks and then a long bout of depression, as I felt like I could not achieve my dreams, at least not in the way I wanted and this pretty much led to a meltdown for me. I was so ill for a long time and felt like my life was never going to be good again. I still get days when I feel like this.
I love Canada, the place the people, but I also love my family and I could not choose between the two. It has now been two years since I called my plans off and I am just getting over the depression and coming out the other side and starting to smile and laugh again. It still hurts inside knowing I cannot have my dream, but I am still going to travel there whenever I can. I just realised somewhere along my journey that moving 3000 miles away from my home, my family, everyone I love - on my own... just was not for me, as much as I wanted it, I could not do it. It has taken two years of counselling/therapy/CBT, talking to friends and trying really hard to get myself back to being me again.
It is still an uphill struggle from day to day. I still struggle with anxiety and have bad days where I cry and feel like a failure and a coward. Thoughts running through my head tell me this all the time, but it is getting easier little by little.
I still get bad days when I want to live in Canada ao much and I think that is because I am still on my own and don't want to be. I think my reasons for moving to Canada was so I could, hopefully, meet that special man to share a life with so I did not have to be alone forever and I am still wanting that so much and because I love the place so much. I wanted to prove to myself that I could do this, achieve something and make my family proud of me.
I guess I will have to try and find another way to achieve my dreams, at least partially and hope when the time is right I will meet that special someone who will accept that I suffer with anxiety and will share my love of Canada too and hopefully I will learn to accept that I cannot have all of my dreams and then hopefully the anxiety will get easier to live with. I need to learn to accept this, which is the hard part. I started reading a book recently called "The Secret", which is all about positive thinking and the law of attraction, so I am hoping if I keep asking the universe then maybe my dreams will come true in a way that is right for me and feels good. I hope so....
Thanks for listening, Emma