my anxiety is consuming me

[Toula223]

hi all. New to these type of groups but think sharing might help me. It’s a long story but I’ve had anxiety for 10+ years now and have been on Sertraline since then. I’ve had intermittent panic attacks over the years but nothing like what I’ve been experiencing lately. This trigger event started almost one month ago when my fiancé had a manic episode. He was prescribed lexapro and it threw him into a full on mania. I tried for a week straight to get different help for him but ultimately had to 302 him. Possibly the most horrifically scary experience of my life. I was very anxietal while he was away at treatment (7days) but I kept myself busy with work, cleaning our house as his mania destroyed it, filing his FMLA, etc. it wasn’t until he came home and I knew he was okay that my panic really took effect. My doctor increased my Sertraline but it made me sooooo much worse. I didn’t eat for 5days, lost 8lbs, didn’t sleep, my heart was in my throat, my heart rate was 110-120 and my blood pressure was 150/100, and the scariest part is I felt very dissociated. Like I wasn’t here. It was after 5 days of the increased dose that I really got scared because I started to have SI thoughts. I called my doctor and she told me to cut the Zoloft cold turkey. After talking to several other people on Zoloft they told me go back to my normal dose and give it 2 weeks at least. Zoloft can never just be stopped especially after 10years. I started taking propanolol for the anxiety now and I will say I feel soooo much better than a few weeks ago. Now I just got news my family best friend killed herself and my anxiety is going sky high again. I find myself constantly asking “am I ok? Am I going to have a panic attack again?” I’m getting anxious about getting anxious. I’m mad at myself for having anxiety and I’m mad at myself that after a month I’m still worked up. I just want life to go back to normal. I want to be my happy self again. Not this ball of nerves who feels so out of touch with reality. Am I alone?

[Renizzle2023]

Hi Toula. You are not alone, and welcome to the group. I’m currently on a small dose of sertraline and so sorry to hear you had a bad experience with it. Sounds like you have been through a lot lately. But also sounds like you did a great job of getting your fiancé the help he needed and taking care of yourself at the same time! Good for you!

I can’t speak to panic attacks as I don’t experience them much. But I want to suggest that you give yourself some slack. Don’t be hard on yourself. It’s ok to be anxious, especially after what you have been through and mourning your friend. It’s ok to give yourself permission to be sad and anxious right now, with the knowledge that it will pass and life will get better again soon.

I’m sure you will find lots of support and advice here. All the best.

[Toula223 in reply to Renizzle2023]

thank you that makes me feel a lot better. I need to remember to give myself grace

[autumnmarie5]

Hi Toula! You are completely not alone. I have never been in a situation where my significant other had to deal with mental illness as well so it's good that you have each other. I am now married and my husband has learned about my anxiety but can't quite comprehend why it gets so bad. Sertraline was the first medication I was introduced to and I've been taking it for 3 years, I take 150mg a day and that seems to help along with my occasional Hydroxyzine when it's really bad, which seems to help. I don't understand why your doctor would tell you to quite cold turkey? As much research as I've done on the drug, it seems super detrimental to ween yourself off. Try to remember you and your fiancé are okay and will get through this, (I know easier said than done). I've been on this website for awhile and I have found it comforting to talk to people who struggle as well. I can relate to your panic attacks, when I get very anxious I get suuper nauseous and throw up whatever is in my system. Then I found out I struggle a lot with "Globus sensation" which flares up when you are anxious to where you can't swallow well. When this goes on I am not able to eat which starts the whole cycle over again. I hate to hear others having panic attacks because I don't wish them on my worst enemy.. I am glad you are here on HU reaching out

[Toula223 in reply to autumnmarie5]

thank you for responding❤️ I hate that I keep getting mad at myself for being anxious and then I trigger my whole cycle over again. I’m constantly asking myself “am I ok”

[Blademink]

Meditating helps me and affirmation things I get them on YouTube I find that it helps me i hope that it helps you I suffer from generalised anxiety disorder stay safe and well ❤️❤️❤️

[Cimmy]

you are so not alone with this, anxiety is the devil that sits on your shoulder whispering negativity in your ear. It is all so consuming and can take over your life. My anxiety is so bad, I wish I had some words of comfort for you but I do know how your feeling. We are here for you if you need to offload. Take care

[Doc11764]

Toula ,

First I think medication is not always the answer . Yes it has its appropriate place but you do not mention seeking other , non addicted help for your anxiety. If you haven't tried yet , look up meditation . It's easy to do and YouTube has a ton of them . Find the right voice , one that soothes you , its hard at first but it really helps . Your breathing soothes your mind , when the mind is racing the anxiety kicks in . Practicing your breathing calms you.

You can also seek counseling if you have not already. I was on Lexapro for about 6 months a year and a half ago but went off it quickly. I have always had a bit of anxiety, panic attacks but nothing too serious .

I was in a bad relationship with no where to go , a daughter from a previous marriage I had to take care of and didn't know what to do . On top of that I had a cancer scare at the same time.

My world came crashing down , I ruminated all the time day & night . It got so bad I didn't sleep for weeks on end . I was scared I was going to die from the cancer , sad my relationship was over , scared on how to raise my daughter . On top of all this a was deathly afraid to go on antidepressants. I was drinking shots of whiskey evernight just so I would pass out and sleep , just to get to work the next morning.

I finally agreed to go on Lexapro 10mg to start and Trazadol for sleep. The Lexapro threw me into a state of anxiety like never before , I hated it . For weeks my anxiety was 10 times worse then it was before taking the Lexipro . I was on this site day and night , it became addictive. I was waiting for the Lexapro to kick in , nothing !

About 6 weeks in and just before my abusive girlfriend kicked me out , the Lexapro started to work . One day driving to work and I was smiling , I didn't know why . I didn't care , I was happy and it was working . I upped the Trazadole and I was sleeping again .

It was a really hard and dark time , I loaded all my stuff in the back of the truck on a cold February night , no coat and just the clothes on my back . I filed a police report on my girlfriend for threats against me and moved into a motel . I had put a down payment on a house and waited for the closing date . 2 months in the motel , but I finally closed on my house.

No more abuse, I had my daughter every other week and my cancer scare turned out to be negative. I slept on whatever side of the bed I wanted , drank out of the milk carton ( no one to yell at me ) , I was free . I did whatever , I wanted in MY HOUSE !

About 2 months living in the new house I had forgot to take my Trazadol and just fell asleep , the next night the same thing . I just stopped taking it . A month later I stopped the Lexipro , cold turkey .

So sometimes our anxiety is situational and sometimes it's long term . We have to find ways to love ourselves , breath and stop worrying. Life works out .

It's been a year and a half in my home , no medications and no crazy women ..( lol ) . I'm happy and I'm doing it , you can too .

I have not visited this site since I stopped taking the Lexipro , I hope I never need it again .

Good Luck to you and try to breath and smile more...

Dave

[Toula223 in reply to Doc11764]

thank you for your comforting words. My anxiety is definitely situational. I have tried many over avenues. Hot yoga, walks, coloring, talk therapy, puzzling. I’m a very impatient person and I think that’s what bothers me most. I want to feel better TODAY. I can talk the thoughts out. It’s when I get the physical symptoms of anxiety that just takes me away to my dark hole:/. This page is really helping me. Thank you everyone for letting me share

[Abadar]

You are not alone. Let me tell you that you are better than many of us. At least I would have collapsed in the situations that you have been through, and you kept your nerve. Have you tried therapy. I feel you need CBT for a) catastrophization and b) dissociation/derealization. Apparently you have both these symptoms and they respond best to therapy. Even online therapy will help. I hope you will find resources to go through a few session. Best wishes

[Toula223 in reply to Abadar]

yes I have been doing therapy. It’s def getting better. I’m just very hard on myself about the anxiety. I’m mad that I have anxiety and that I feel this way. I want to be in control of my emotions again.

[QuietStorm98]

You are definitely not alone. Thank you for sharing as I can relate to this on so many levels.