In the small hours when the world is quiet is still, inside my head is buzzing and whirring, I can’t stop it and feel unsure I ever will.
Am I good enough? Am I worthy? Why am I here? Do I deserve these beautiful children? Why is it all I do is worry?
Am I ever going to feel like just being me is enough? Why did I snap over something silly? I don’t know how to stop it, help me please. This is just too tough.
I push you away, I say I’m fine when I’m really not. I stay home, cancel plans and the smallest thing can make me go off! Why is there no happiness or joy? No laughter, no light, where has it all gone?
And then as dawn breaks and the birds start to sing, I tell myself I should be great full. After all, I’m still here, I’m alive and I can beat this thing.
But then the doubt creeps in.
It’s just a vicious circle, a never ending one. I’m tired, I’m sad and I’ve had enough. I keep searching for the light at the end of the tunnel, but I think mine has gone.
And then, slowly I start believing I am enough. I am worthy. I deserve my children and I am truly blessed to have them. I only worry because I care.
I have a good day, I smile at things I didn’t before, I really laugh, I see joy and love.
And on those days I hold on to hope, I hold on to the fact I am strong. I keep going, no matter how hard, and somehow I cope.