Anxiety overload thanks to dysfunctional family issues

[anonymous-one]

In 1990, my Dad was dying from metastasized lung cancer and comatose in a hospital bed when my brother went up to that room, forced a pen into my Dad’s hand and guided his hand to change the will only days before his death. My Dad’s original will list my aunt as the executor and my brother changed that to himself. The original will had cut out my 2 brothers entirely because my Dad strongly believed that they didn’t want anything to do with him when he was alive then why should they benefit after he died. I saw the original will several years before his death. My oldest brother decided that he would include himself and my other brother into the division of the assets. My Dad had a $50,000 life insurance policy, savings of about $60,000 and his personal things such as his army awards and so forth. My brother split the money up so that my Dad’s girlfriend got $36,000, My sister and myself got $5000 a piece, he and my other brother got the rest of the money and all my Dad’s personal assets with old army photos and awards. My aunt only got my Dad’s car although she didn’t drive. I told my brother that I was going to contest the will because my Dad was not in his right mind nor did his actual hand sign the new will. Well, that was back in 1990 and my brothers haven’t spoken to me since. They bad mouth me and I have felt like the black sheep of the family. My Dad truly loved me, and I was the only family member by his side when he was healthy and while he was sick with cancer. I dropped out of college, put my scholarship on hold just to be with my Dad. I live in Tulsa and flew 1800 miles every 3 weeks to spend a month with him and flew back to Tulsa. I did this over the course of 6 months. I loved my Dad so much that I would do anything for him, and he loved his only grandchild as well. On the day, that $5,000 arrived months after my Dad died…I just couldn’t cash it. I held on to it for years. So who’s the selfish ones, my brothers. I am older now and very disabled. One of my brother’s youngest son is getting married in a few weeks and he sent my sister an invitation. I’m no longer part of the family. Not that I ever wanted to go to family events. But now, my sister is laying a guilt trip on me that I SHOULD send a wedding gift to my brother’s son. That I’m obligated to send something. Is it wrong that I just put this past me and forget my so-called family who banished me decades ago? I don’t know why I’m feeling so guilty. I did nothing wrong!

[Amz1987]

I’m sorry you went thought that. It’s amazing what “family” do when money is involved. My step mil is going though the same thing as the moment with her so called brother.

You could look at it in two ways, be happy to leave it how it is or try make amends. My hubby doesn’t speak to his mum any more it’s been 5 years now (we are only young, in our early 30s with 4 young kids) and it makes me sad even though she’s an awful woman I’d like to see them have a relationship again but sometimes it’s just not worth it.

Send him a gift and a nice card, it might make you feel a little better.

[Dolphin14]

It's not your sisters place to lay the guilt trip. She's out of line.

Are you close to your nephew. Do you feel you want to send something? Remember he had nothing to do with any on this.

Families are so messed up sometimes. I'm the black sheep of my family and I'm ok with how I chose to live. Dysfunction is not a part of who I am. I can't play those games anymore.

You didn't do anything wrong. So try not to blame yourself for anything.

[anonymous-one in reply to Dolphin14]

My "family" lives 1800 miles away. The last time I spent any time with my nephew was in 1998. I was visiting my older cousin and we took my son and my nephew to a local beach for one afternoon. Aside from that one day, I've had no contact with my nephew. My cousin sold her house and never left a forwarding address. I don't even know where she lives. My nephew's mom has married in the mid 90s to my nephew's step-Dad and then she had another child. My brothers are as I described above. They act like I was never born. The ONLY person in my family whom I've had any contact is my younger sister. She's one year younger. Our Mom passed in 2014 at 89 years old. My sister tells me all about the family that wants nothing to do with me. After my parent's divorced in the mid 70s, our mother remained bitter toward my Dad. She alienated the rest of the family against me because I chose to keep in touch with my Dad's side of the family for many years. My Mom, her friends, her side of the family and my brothers...all despised my Dad.

Then they all turned around and made fun of me and bullied me for my choices to try to be the peacemaker in the family. This thing about my nephew's wedding brings these memories flooding back to me. My dysfunctional family wouldn't recognize my voice or me if they saw me face to face.

There's a huge gap in my life still. My sister told me that the only reason that she's going to the wedding ceremony and giving a wedding card is that she feels "obligated" herself. My sister is very disabled due to some severe back and hip injuries. She lives alone and has no one who is willing to help her out.

Well, our brother(who lives 30 minutes from her) will help her out only if she pays him enough money. He doesn't care. And as far as my brother goes, he didn't raise his own son. My nephew was the result of a drunken night with his girlfriend. My brother is an alcoholic who gets very angry if he can't have his booze and scratch tickets.

As I mentioned my "family" is so extremely dysfunctional that I could write a book about them. I wasn't even close to my own mother. She practically threw me out of "her" house because riffs in the family. I'm just so tired of all the family crap.

In fact, I will never physically "see" or hear from my brothers, my nephew or my cousins in rest of my lifetime. The only strong family connection I have is my husband and my 34 year old son. He has no memories of his cousin or his uncles.

But I still can't figure out why I'm so torn up inside. Perhaps it's because I've really never had any real family of origin in my childhood. I used to believe that I was switched at birth. My Mom used to tell me that if it was her choice, she wouldn't have had any kids and the reason she did...was my "Father's" fault.

I'm so sick of these old family memories. My nephew will probably never notice if I send a gift or a card to him and his new wife. Well, enough about my problems...they all stirred up in me and my PTSD anxiety has flared up again.

[Dolphin14 in reply to anonymous-one]

I get it. I grew up in that same dysfunctional family. I understand more than you can imagine.

Pulling away from the dysfunction upsets the Apple cart. They don't like it and they just get worse.

The past is all coming back at you right now because of the wedding.

Hate to say it but your sister was probably invited just to try and get to you. That's how dysfunction operates.

I wouldn't do anything. I think you've explained the situation in great detail.

I would just try and settle myself down and get the feelings out so you can move forward.

Try not to give it any more of your time. It's not worth letting them open your wounds again.

[sweetiepye]

An ugly little story isn't it ? I have a very similar one of my own. If I were you I wouldn't cave into that family pressure. If you don't need that money why not give it to someone whose life it could change? A single Mom who is struggling , an older person who can't afford medicine , there are so many. Then send your nephew a nice modest check of 1 or 2 hundred dollars. How could they fault you for that ? They would look very greedy if they complained. You could also make a donation to a charity in your nephews name as a wedding gift. He would receive an acknowledgement of it. That might be easier for you to do. Let your Dad's money do some good. Pam

[anonymous-one]

My life is totally different. I'm a disabled vet with additional trauma and memories from the years I spent in the military. I've also spent years fighting and dealing with those bad memories. I live on a very fixed income and try to stretch it out each month. I spend my days running between multiple medical specialists and my sessions with my therapist. I take 3 anti-anxiety meds. One the meds is so addictive that I've been on it for 30 years and I've tried to taper off only to end up with deadly seizures.

But my family doesn't understand how ill I've become. PTSD has me in it's grips and I'm forever stuck with those vivid memories. I'm in my mid-50s now and it's been a heavy burden to carry such memories.

I think if I invest any money I can dig up, it would go to my own son. He's autistic and nearly died at birth. He is the person that's so deserving. I keep telling myself that if I ever ever came into some money, I'd like to buy him a car. The car he drives is a 2007 junker that he's invested his life savings into.

The only ties I have to my nephew is by blood and through his online social media. He's well off, travels the world with his fiance and even plans to pay for the entire 150 people in his wedding party to fly and stay in Las Vegas just weeks before his wedding. His wedding is probably going to cost thousands of dollars.

For all I know, he could be a millionaire. What do I have to offer him? He has no idea who I am or where I live or the severe medical problems I have. I also have a multitude of physical disabilities too. My husband takes care of me, my house, my food and runs all errands for me. But my "family of origin" live 1800 miles away don't have a clue how my life has turned out.

My husband and my grown son think that I shouldn't do anything and just stop worrying...that the past is the past. I really need to discuss this with my therapist, she's a trauma specialist. I've been seeing her for nearly 6 years and she very familiar with the roller coaster emotions I have and the tears I've shed over it.

[Hidden]

That’s why I get very irritable .. when statements are made .. oh if you haven’t got family you have nothing .. families can be pains in the rear ! ... members of my family have brought me nothing but long term, distress, misery, guilt, physical and mental health problems over the years. I made a decision once to delete them from my life. I did not need the negativity and the unsettling vibes I would get from them when they were in my life.

Life is very short, I choose carefully now who I decide to let in, family or non family members.

You have done nothing wrong .. you sound a very compassionate and selfless person. You were there for your Dad unconditionally, when he most needed you. You remember this and take comfort for the fact that you were and your Dad deep down would of known. Don’t be made to feel guilty by anyone.

Do what you feel comfortable in doing but look after you too. All the best to you.