I have struggled with anxiety and depression recently and in the past due to various reasons but more recently because I had a falling out with my man. I knew he drank too much and struggled with depression and I wanted to help him. I told him I loved him and didn't want to lose him in my life and he got angry and pushed me away, told me to get out of his life. I was so upset and panicked and kept trying to talk with him. I did not want to give up on him. He passed away from alcoholic liver failure recently and I feel lost and alone. I feel like I should have done more to help him. His friend told me that he did not understand why I loved him so much, as he didn't think he was worthwhile. He was to me. His friend told me that Brian loved me but did not know how to show it. "Men don't show affection" that's what he believed. I don't know how people deal with this. He was/is the only man I have ever loved and at 53 he was too young to go. Alcohol changes you, it changes how you think and feel and in the end the love of the bottle is more important than loved ones, family and friends. I am 41 and I feel like my life is over. I don't want anybody else. I am trying to keep busy doing my job as I know that's what he would have wanted and how we met. I am struggling everyday with the thoughts that I will never see him again. That was the only thing/hope keeping me going and now thats gone. I don't blame him. Alcoholism is an illness and is so hard. I just wish this had not happened. I miss him and think of him every single day. If you are struggling with anxiety or depression please please don't numb the feelings and hurt by drinking. It is not the solution.
Emma (wildmage)