Totally fallen down.

[Richy626]

Hey all,

Recently I've been posting on here alot, I got myself into a real spiral and I've been fighting to stay back up.

Last night I totally capitulated and I'm now signed off work and I'm deeply upset and extremely frightened.

I went bowling the night before last which was a tough experience for me but I got through alright, but before I went bowling I felt anxiety and stress on a level I've never felt before, it was a tough night but I got through.

Last night I'd agreed to go to a prayer meeting with my brother, I haven't set foot in church for a while due to a few bad experiences in the past and work getting in the way alot.

I thought screw it though I'll go As I've been trying to do acceptance recently, before I left my anxiety went sky high but just before we left I managed to stay relatively calm.

On the way there though in the car I had a very VERY scary moment where out of nowhere my mind imagined me being in stealth one of the scariest experiences of my life ironically before I ever had panic/anxiety, while imagining it I didn't even feel remotely myself inside at all and just for a split second I was actually genuinely frightened my imagination was going to take over my reality as it seemed so vivid and I felt so bad I really believed I was on the verge of losing it and felt awful!! At first I said omg stop and then thought nah let it through accept the thought but it didn't help every time I imagined it, it got more and more severe.

When we got to the hall I couldn't seem to calm down I knew at this point i was stuck there, when we went in and sat down I had to watch a dvd sitting there in silence and guess what it happened to be about exsistance the very thing I'd just had a major bout of fear and anxiety with!! I couldn't get my mind off it, everything in me was screaming to leave the hall, I was having INTENSE feelings of unreality, but I thought no because nothings going to happen, with everything I had within me I barely managed to stay in the hall, nothing I was doing was working my mind was going absolutely on one with awful thoughts, it's the most terrifying thing I think I've experienced.

When we got back I thought I'd calm down but that intense feeling kept coming, even just letting it be there wasn't helping it became to much and I actually sat on my bed shouting out I've never reacted that way before normally I can sit through no matter how bad the feelings are.

Today I've ended up calling in sick to work again which I've been doing every other day, I finally felt. I was mucking them. Around to much so I decided to get signed off.

I did decide to try and get out and went to the shop but that intense feeling and I mean REALLY intense feeling of just losing touch with reality and being overwhelmed came over me just from. Doing that, it's so intense I felt like I wasn't going to be able to even make the short walk home at one point!

I don't know what to do with this feeling, accepting it doesn't work, obviously trying to make it go away doesn't work, thinking my way out of it definitely doesn't work.

I'm totally shell shocked!! And feel like my life is over right now, what do u do with a feeling THAT intense that u can't handle it??

I've been on anti depressants before and it made me worse so I'm terrified to even take them again.

I'm just plainly terrified, to think 15 days ago I was out with my mates for new years eve, now I'm stuck in my room frightened of a feeling I can't escape from.

[kevinloveslen]

Hello,

As I was reading your post, the thought that kept coming to mind was Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and “Shell Shock”! I am so sorry that you are going through this right now. Nobody should have to suffer like this. I don’t know what happened to you in the past, but I do know that there are Christian Psychological Counselors who can help you. If you need help finding someone to speak with, please let me know. The bible says in Hebrews 9:14, “the blood of Christ, who through the eternal Spirit offered Himself unblemished to God, cleanses our consciences from acts that lead to death, so that we may serve the living God!” Once sin entered the world, so did fear, anxiety, and depression. Sometimes, the acts against us traumatize us so much that we need help navigating the waters that lead to the blood of Christ. I will be praying for you.

God Bless You

[Richy626 in reply to kevinloveslen]

Thank you for your continued prayers.

[Hidden]

Hi, anxiety can be terrifying and can take a while to sort out. I can tell you that I had a very similar experience, including having to be off work for a while. I resisted taking medication and it prolonged recovery. I encourage you to see a doctor and get on an antidepressant. Start exercising and eating healthy. Spiritual growth is often accompanied by severe anxiety and even depression, look into the dark night of the soul. Your life may change drastically and never be the same after this, but be open to change, resistance also prolongs the suffering. You aren’t going crazy, you will be functional again.