Has anyone felt totally hopeless and alone?

A year ago I went off a long term med (paxil for 18 yrs) After going through a horrible withdrawal period, then constant nausea for nearly a year, I now find myself obcessing about doom & gloom and cannot get myself back on track. I think of death daily, NOT that I want to die. I am terrified to. I think of how hopeless this is feeling and am so terrified to think of when my time will come. I dwell on what I will miss, although my husband says "you won't know, because you will no longer be alive". How true. I try not to talk to many about how desperate I feel. I go to my physciatrist every 8 wks. He listens but really, what can he do? I'm on Luvox, and a tiny dose of clonazepam, and risperidome. I have Ativan for "emergencies". I feel like the world's biggest coward and so alone. I can't vent to my husband too much (he is one very brave man) and our daughter is dealing with enough serious problems of her own so I don't like to unload on her. Really you don't need to respond....I just needed to vent my fears and frustrations.


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32 Replies

  • How come you don't vent to your husband, if he is brave and strong maybe he can give you encouragement? I literally have no one here for me. I wish I did have a husband who could love and support me through. Maybe he can help you more than you think. I too suffer a ton with anxiety and panic.

  • Hi, thank you for replying. I am so sorry you don't have a support person with you. I do talk to my husband and tell him my fears and concerns. He is very good to listen and tries to understand. but as he says "what can he do, other than just be there?" It does help when he holds my hand but this awful anxiety and panic is over whelming most of the time. Some days it just gets almost too much to deal with. I wish you all the best.

  • I can understand that. My mom says the same thing. She isn't here for me often seeing as she has a life of her own, but she says all she can do is comfort me through. People like you and I have to find it within ourselves to truly heal. Don't worry we will find it. 😊Keep going. If all I have to do about it is to keep moving foraward and not giving up then Imma do just that. Even on the worst of days. I want to fight for me. This is super hard, overwhelming, but I am trying whole hearted to keep faith and hope in all of this. We can do this...

  • I understand your mom as I understand my husband...they can only do so much to comfort us. I hope you are correct and eventually we will enjoy life again!! I get so angry...at ME lol What else can we do? It's either give up or battle on......the fear is overwhelming at times...esp. when you are all alone. Lets hope some solution is reached asap. hang in there

  • Exactly, I get angry at ME too. Maybe we are supposed to practice more self love...🙄...who knows. But I am definitely not giving up. Yeah I fully understand where my mom and your husband are coming from. But if we need a hug or some comforting words, we can always go to them. 😊

  • Hi Stay_strong85, a "hug" or some "comforting words" are worth more to reduce anxiety than any medicine. They say that getting a hug a day reduces physical ailments as well as emotional. On the other hand, I'm not sure more self love is the answer because of possibly staying stuck in that situation. Before I got out of the daily anxiety, I got angry, really angry. Not at myself but at the anxiety. I outwardly said to it that I would no longer tolerate anxiety taking over my life and robbing me of living. I feel the anger changed the fear I had inside me about symptoms. So much so that whenever one would come along, it was gone as soon as it came. I didn't allow it to fester. I do believe in giving ourselves credit after we have done a good job. wishing everyone well.

  • I hate ME at times! I feel pathetic & hopeless. I'm glad you are not a quitter. I guess after so many yrs neither am I since I've had it for almost 50 yrs with NO help. In the CBT class I attend that was one of the down sides it brought up.....alienating family and friends with our constant talking about it.....but as you say there are times we just need reassurance and someone to hug us.....each day for me seems to be more down yet I've never had depression, just panic disorder and GAD......I just want to enjoy the rest of my life with a smile......I pray it will happen

  • Hey, it's ok to feel like this. Hell I'm feeling it right now. I had 5 hours straight of a racing heart lol and I'm laughing about it. You're not alone first off and second odd this use to be one of my triggers. I was a combat engineer for 6 years in the army and I seen quite a bit that caused me to develope ptsd and one major fear I had but I swept under the rug was death. I watched a good friend die over there and I come home and watched my father die of lung cancer not even two months after coming home. I was drained. Now this past March I was exactly like you, Mr. Doom and gloom and let me tell you, I was horrified of death. What actually helped me was reading about death, watching the paranormal shows about the after life and strange things like that because I don't believe this is just it. I looked up quantum physics that talked about the matrix complex and how it may prove that there is a God or an after life. I read stories on NDE's or near death expirences and I will tell you first hand I believe in the other side because I've witnessed things I cannot explain and I just believe. Take it slow and expose your self to the fear despite how hard it is. You will come out strong because of it and plus were all here for you. Take care and scream at the world. We are here!!!

  • Hello, thank you so much for your reply! You certainly would be able to understand what a continual irregular heart beat feels like. Thank you for your service to your country. I am sorry for the loss of your friend and father. I lost my parents many yrs. ago and several friends over the years. Death has always been my biggest fear even though I do believe in an afterlife. I too read books on NDE and after life experiences. If I had to put my fear into a sentence it would be...."I am not afraid of death, because then it is over with, I am afraid of the act of dying....the feeling of fear or gasping, or terror....of course I do realize I could get hit by a bus and it would be instant, but in MY mind it is the terrifying type and lingering in agony as I witnessed my Dad when his kidney's failed. I did so well for quite a few yrs but last Nov. I went off of Paxil and everything went nuts.....nausea for 10 months, then the panic/anxiety over whelming on a day to day basis. I am on new meds but to no avail. I'm attending a CBT course and yes it all makes sense but try to get the mind to do it and accept it. I will take one day at a time. IF I have a good day I do the dance of joy :-) I think it is the feeling of hopelessness and the unknown that are the worse, it consumes my life. Of course when you get older it doesn't help to hear of and read about all your friends, past school mates and relatives pass on. I am so glad you have found control. You are an inspiration!

  • I have felt all of these things and I'm not in medication, never have been. I think anxiety is just awful for anyone that is going through it.

    I have health anxiety and tight now I'm waiting on a friend to come visit but wondering if I'm having a heart issue. I hate it, hate it, hate it, when will we ever feel normal. :/

  • I hear you....just want to feel normal

  • Me too. My head is so full this morning. It's awful.

  • The brain is the strongest organ in the body. It's a pity it will not always co operate and be our friend! I find it very difficult to overcome fear and anxiety even though I fully admit at times that my thoughts are ridiculous.

  • Yes, must learn to control the cheeky monkey. (Brain)

  • Easier said than done!

  • yes, they gave me a work book on Health Anxiety, I feel like they are talking about me, it is so right on.!!! Panic disorder is like nothing you have experienced unless you have!!! I do have a minor heart issue but with the panic disorder it doesn't feel minor. I'm going to family dr. tomorrow and dreading it although I have been to a cardiologist, done the stress test, echo cardiogram and other tests, terrified of the findings. I just want to be normal and not wake to anxiety ea. morning.

  • I'm the same. I've had all of those fears and tests but because it was over a year ago, I'm worried now that I may have developed a heart problem since having the tests done. Mainly because I have fluctuating blood pressure. :/

  • I hear you....my issue is that I DO have a diagnosed minor heart issue and I fear it has progressed, since it last longer and is stronger. Your BP will go up and down if you have severe anxiety....people tell us to "not worry about it" or "don't dwell on it"....easy for them to say. I truly don't want another pill......I often think they over medicate. Off to see the family dr. today and I'm worried about his attitude and what he will say....I'd like to just not care anymore!

  • I'm sorry to hear that. :/

    I personally think they over medicate as well. It's a bandaid solution isn't it?

    My family has a history of not being able to tolerate many medications, I'm no exception so I'm trying to avoid any type of medication because of the fear of this. I think I'm doing all the right things but it's the fluctuating BP that boers me the most. It's very hard not to focus on it in every situation. You're right, it's all well and fine for others to say don't worry about it but it's much harder to do.

    Good luck with your appointment today. I hope it all goes well for you. I'd love to hear how you get along if you'd like to let me know.


  • Hello, thank you for responding. I have had panic disorder for most of my life.....the last yr. since going off a very long time medication has been a night mare. I don't feel the new meds are doing anything at all. I feel like a bucket of ice cold water has been dumped over me only it is filled with ice cold fear. I did see the family dr. today. He is going to send me to the cardiologist. I went 7 yrs ago. Of course I feel I should go but if you can understand I fear going for 2 reasons. The stress test terrifies me since it really gets my irregular heart beat going and you wonder if it will ever stop or if it will bring on a heart attack, Also I worry what if they do find something wrong? Hospitals and surgeries terrify me. For years I was on heart meds, then taken off as I was told there was more chance of having a serious reaction from them, then having the PVC's & skipped beats hurt me. It's like you can't win. I see my phyciatrist Nov 2 and frankly don't know what to say to him. I really wonder if there is an answer......the thought of death sends me into a panic attack......right now I just want to laugh and feel good again.....the past yr. has been a doozie!

  • I'm the same with the anxiety and panic. I've had it as far back as I can remember. It got worse after having my son 21 years ago. It just seems to have hung around in different degrees. The health anxiety has been bad for the last 3 years since my mother and sister were diagnosed with medication induced liver failure and my 4 brothers were diagnosed worn prostate cancer. My mum and sister have since passed away, this has only concreted my reluctance to take medication in any form.

    Stress is the worst thing. I need to manage that a bit better. I wish I had the answers for all of us.

  • I am so sorry for your losses and all the ill health in your family. I awoke this morning and still have the "shakes"...why? who knows! It irks me to not be able to control my own thoughts. for a yr. now I have been in a battle with fear and panic. Every ache and symptom is never something minor, rather a serious issue (to me). I just want to wake and think "greatttttttt...another day, let me enjoy it." People wonder why we can't just think "normally"....I wish I could@

  • Thank you.

    I'm exactly the same, every symptom is the worst possible scenario, never just something simple.

    I can reassure someone else that their symptoms are anxiety, I just can't reassure myself. It's a strange thing isn't it?

    I hope the shakes ease for you and your anxiety gives you a break.

  • Hi, yes I can comfort others and sound so "normal" and reassuring...yet for myself, I am a lost cause. I'm now waiting to see a cardiologist due to my long time irregular heart beat. I think you can guess what MY mind is thinking! I have to have an echo cardiogram, and ECG and a stress test as well...The first 2 ...no problem, the stress test....well I DO know of one person who had a heart attack during it....of course yes that could be one in a million, but tell MY mind that lol I'm so angry at myself for awakening each morning and feeling fear engulf me....why? just stop dwelling on it they say, just put it out of your mind they say, just think of something else they say, you've been here before and are still alive they say........... and so it goes..and yes it is true....buttttttttttt :-)

  • kama24, yes it's true...butttttttt it's not happening to them. Know exactly what you are saying. You know even doctors get scared. I once met my doctor by the elevator of the hospital, he looked terrible. I asked how he was and he didn't hesitate to tell me he had come down with the flu and was feeling so sick. I looked at him, told him to take 2 aspirin and call me in the morning. He laughed, I laughed and I knew in my heart, doctors are human too.

    Good luck kama with the stress test. You will be okay. x

  • Yes, it is often toooo easy to judge others UNTIL we have walked in their shoes!! I just found out by accident that a local area dr. has give up hospital priviledges at the local hospital (he still sees patients) but he has developed panic disorder.....I wish people like this would be a voice for those of us who know it all too well. I am glad he can still carry on his office practice, but he certainly would be one who could educate others. I have often wondered if priests and people of the clothe know fear when they are seriously ill or does their faith help them be brave. Everyone is different...I just wish I wasn't quite soooooooo different!!

  • kama, I totally agree with you, this issue needs to be brought out in the open. I have seen the rolled eyes and the grins on professionals making us feel ashamed of what it's like. Making us feel like we are not really being heard or understood, just tolerated. And that's why we need this Anxiety Forum. Thanks for sharng kama. x

  • I'm so sorry to hear :( I'm relapsing and have horrendous nausea too. Stay strong x

  • I can so relate to the nausea.....the dr. tried me on nabilone for it but I cannot say it helped, also stemitil which I still take....after a yr, it now tends to come and go. What people don't realize is that it brings you down, as well as makes your anxiety worse. For me, it's like I am afraid to live, but I'm terrified to die. All we can do is take one day at a time and even then I tend to wonder how long this can go on and how long I can deal with it. I truly hope you get some answers and will feel better soon.

  • My daughter has emetophobia and anxiety. She takes ondansentron when she has nausea to prevent vomiting and she says it works well with no noticable side effects.

  • Thank you for your reply......I will look into that med. I have had Nabilone, and stemitil, also a dissolving wafer that goes on the tongue...used for chemo nausea, none helped. Thank you for the info!!

  • Yes. I too struggle with loss of hope for the future. But to make any sort of progress we have to ask ourselves when did we lose hope and why?

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