Up and down like a yoyo

Sometimes I feel like I could conquer the world, yet others I feel so low I just want to stare into space. My biggest fear is dying, or people I love dying. This fear has become unbearable lately. Is there a name for this type of obsessional fear? Obviously people are scared of death but I think I take this fear to another level. I don't like being alone, although I'm rarely on my own, I have a 4 year old son. As much as I love his company, I sometimes feel that its not enough? e.g everyday I like to go and spend time with my grandparents. I'm literally with them for about 7 hours a day!

I had a night out on wednesday, a few friends come up from my old hometown to surprise me. As much as I really didn't feel up to going out, I still went. I had a great night with them. BANG the next day I was back to square one. When they left, I went to my grandparents house, and just burst out crying for no reason whatsoever! I told them I was sick of feeling so low and obviously alcohol doesn't help the situation. My nan rang my work cuz she could see how distressed I was, and told them I wasn't going in. saturday was my birthday - I wasn't in the mood to celebrate so I cancelled my night out. My tablets have been making me feel exhausted. But today I've gone through the whole day feeling ok-ish. Not felt like I needed a nap once. I can honestly say, I've had some illnesses and pains in my life, but anxiety/depression has to be the worse thing I've ever gone through. I wish I could "pull myself together" as they say!!!

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  • hi kjm.

    This up and down feeling is.normal for anxiety sufferers. The problem with anxiety is not overcoming it as this cant be done. Anxiety is a normal response to things that scare us, worry us, stressful situations etc. I totally understand your fear of losing the people you love, im the same. You need to try and let that thought go. Your loved ones are going to leave eventually and unfortunately there is.nothing you or I or anyone else can do to prevent this. sad but true and you cannot let the thougts stop you from havinh your life and having fun whilst you're still young.

    I think I am a lot older than you, by.the sound of it and I struggle and have my up days and down days, just keep telling yoirself it is only anxiety and cannot hurt you no matter how bad it gets. Thats what I keep doing daily.

  • Good Morning

    I too have days where I feel able to do anything, and nothing phases me! Sadly though I have days of low mood and withdraw from social situations and stay at home with my toddlr .. The school run becomes a chore but I always manage to get to work! Very odd.

    Health anxiety is certainly an issue for me too, I assume a small ailment is going to be something sinister, despite reassurance from my trusted GP.

    It's a very crushed feeling and unmanageable at the moment, so I do understand. Whilst your grandparents no doubt love your company, it's a pity the time is tarnished with your fears :-/ such a minefield this illness .. Very hard to try + confide in others too as very misunderstood I feel :-( x

  • Hi kjm1987. Yes there is a word for obsessional behaviour it is called just that. OB. A lot of sufferers from nervous illness have it and it can be a nightmare. The feeling that you may loose control and hurt someone is very common. (But of course you won't.You are Nervously ill, not Mentally ill.) Let us look at the 'pull yourself together' bit. I do not like the remark as it usually comes from those who have no understanding. But it does imply that we are, in some way, not ' together'. We are 'fragmented'; bits of us here, bits there. It all needs to be pulled together so that we become 'whole' again. Obsession is as much a part of nervous illness as is Agoraphobia or any other problem and can be dealt with in the same way. By the way, loneliness is not the same as being alone. A lot of people like being alone at times so that they can 'switch off' and look at things without outside interference. The feeling of loneliness can occur in the middle of a crowd. You feel cut off, you cannot seem to relate to those around you, you feel as if you are in a mist or fog and that everything is out of focus. The yo-yo effect is also common. What I am trying to say is that your symptoms are not unique. Thousands go the way you go. You go to your grandparents because, no doubt, they are sympathetic and you feel more at ease there. But you have to start moving toward recovery. You are right. alchohol definately does not help!! When the effects wear off you can feel even worse. Wildmage is right. You cannot overcome anxiety. Please DO NOT MISUNDERSTAND THIS.

    'Overcoming means fighting "IT" and there is really nothing to fight. You are trying desperately to get better by STRUGGLING with this 'thing'. Now I want to suggest something. STOP STRUGGLING; When you feel these feelings, obsession, depression etc. GO WITH THEM. Do not push them away or try to blot them out by activity. ACCEPT them TOTALLY. Live with them, go THROUGH them. Do not try and forget them, you can't.Go through them to the other side and after a time they will no longer matter and you can look at them dispassionately. They will not worry you. Now this is not easy and it takes TIME which is the difficult part and this is no easy 'fix', but it does work I can assure you. Only a fool would say it is easy but, in my view, it is the only way. Get the book by Dr. Claire Weekes. "Essential Help for your Nerves" available from Amazon. She explains more clearly than I can. You are young enough to suceed in full recovery. Go on UP and blessings and good wishes to you. jonathan.

  • Hey!

    I also suffer from what I've come to understand is called Generalised Anxiety Disorder and this links for me directly to my own health, I've seen this referred to as Health Related Anxiety. All of this, as I'm sure it does for many people will manifest a few times a week in a full Panic Attack (Advise on Panic Attacks can be found on the NHS DIrect website using the search term 'Panic Disorder') and these can be at times just an irritation and at others a significant annoyance.

    The previous posters have all shared some great advice. I too have found solace in accepting that what's happening to me as something that isn't life threatening or dangerous (although it can feel that way and I'd be the first to own up to having troubled an Ambulance crew on 2 occasions just to be sure) even if it's frightening. I also agree there's a lot to be gained from just allowing your body and mind to go through the emotions and sensations as each time you come out the other side you reinforce the message in your mind that you're just fine.

    You've also touched on the Generalised Anxiety and Worry many people feel between attacks or just in the background at all times, this I have heard referred to as your 'trey' or background anxiety level. I've been told to imagine this as a bucket filling slowly with the waters of stress and anxiety. What we need to stop this imagined bucket from overflowing is a few holes in the thing. These can come in the form of a little light exercise to clear your mind, mediation if you feel that might suit you, or for me through cleaning, organising and baking. Each whole you add will help you manage and balance the overall levels of water and although, as you've probably realised by now, you may never 'beat' the feelings you have into total submission you will perhaps with time learn to live with them in a more harmonious way. I certainly hope you do and you can rest assured that you're certainly not the only person on that journey. 1 in 4 I believe will suffer from some form of mental health concern at some point and as many as 1 in 100 suffer from a panic disorder so there's lots of us out there trying to balance our feelings and thoughts with our every day lives which really means it's perfectly normal.

    I hope this helps a little and don't be afraid to reach out to your GP as they may also be able to help you further.

  • Hi. I also had the same terrible fear about dying and I'm sure that if I had any relatives I'd also be terrified of them dying too, especially if I had children, so I really do empathise with your struggle, because I know you must be going through Hell with this.

    Some chemical is not balanced in your brain and this is what is causing your irrational thoughts - I know this because after I'd been taking 5-HTP for a week all those crazy thoughts vanished and I felt like 'normal' again. This can also happen when you take medications that improve the seratonin in your brain. When you chemicals are balanced and you can feel calmer and think straight again you'll be able to get to the real roots of why you're so frantic about you/others dying - there is a real reason buried deep in you that you need to get to the roots of to remove; otherwise you'll never get rid of the anxiety.

    Best of luck with this.

  • Thanks for the great comments. What is HTP? I take citalopram n they do help in some respect. I don't feel 100% myself but they are stopping me from having full on panic attacks which definitely take a weight off my shoulders. I don't know why my fear of death has become obsessional, nobody around me has died or anything? I think I might benefit from seeing a CBT rather than a person centred counsellor. I'm so confused with my feelings I hate feeling dizzy, unsettled and generally 'bored'. I once was a bubbly outgoing girl but she seems to be long gone! x

  • hi I too would like to know what 5htp is are there any side effects,and can it be taken with xanax.I need something to lift my mood and keep me relaxed,I am up and down too,can't tolerate antidepressants.but Ican't plan anything,as I don't know how i'm going to be feeling from one day to the next..please let me know about this Kim...

  • I am having my 1st session with a therapist tomorrow as the assessment I had recently resulted in CBT being offered. My mood level is very low this week for no "real" reason and I too find comfort in cleaning and organising - but as I'm trying to potty train my toddler my routine is disturbed so I am struggling to feel in control. I too have had medication which was great, and currently battling to try an alternative. Fear of dying was very strong last week but replaced with low mood this week - very unsettling - just want to feel normal:-(

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