Hey y'all. I hope everyone has been doing okay. I haven't been on this website in awhile. Just kinda dealing with life day by day I guess. In pretty depressing to live the way I do... and I'm sure spot of ou can relate.
I'm 27 I have 2 boys. One if them is in school and the other is younger and stays with me during the day. Most days I wake up, almost immediately start feeling weird, dizzy. (Some days I'm not As bad) so when this happens day after day after day. It a very depressing. So then I take my son to school, we get in the car.... I feel dizzy weird... chest hurts. By that time my klonopin that take before I go everyday has probably kicked in... so I try to go run some errands. Grocery store.. clothes shopping for my kids, normal things a mom should do. I can't do these things. I get to the store.. go in and I can't concentrate on anything bc I feel like I'm going to faint.... "flip out of skin".... I feel like I have to run out. Sometimes I have just left my buggy in the middle of the aisle.... grabbed my child and left. It is so hard for me to get groceries for my family, or to even keep up with their school clothes shopping. My son needs some new shirts etc for school and it's like I have such a hard time getting to these places and doing it. After coming home from my "shopping" I usually cry on the way home. When I get home I feel a little "better".... don't know if that's even a good word... I never feel "better". But at least at home i can check my blood pressure... heart rate... cry and make sure I'm not dying.
You see this is every single day for me. Every day.
I take klonopin .5mg in the morning. That is all. Anti depressants haven't worked for me... they only make me more scared that something might happen to me from taking them. So that doesn't help my anxiety situation.
I want to laugh... I want to get up and play with my kids without getting easily irritated by them. I want to get dressed.... do my make up and feel GOOD. But nothing ever happens the way I think it should.
Last year I went to the ER probably a dozen times. I'm constantly in the doctor or calling the doctor. I'm sure I'm annoying. But I don't care, I have a life to live and children who need ME in their lives. Not the depressed anxious angry me that I've become.
I don't understand why I can't get help and why it just keeps going on and on. Like a bad movie or song that just is stuck playing over and over.