Fears multiplying!

[piperlee]

Hi everyone I am new to the forum after struggling for a while now! I have type one diabetes which is not well managed for ten years now (not curable and no I didn't eat too much sugar) but I have also struggled with GAD and depression stemming from this too. I am 21, and when I got to college my panic attacks started and depression again so severe I couldnt leave my bed etc. These episodes would happen for a few months, I would stop smoking weed and drinking (large triggers) and I would be fine again after that for a few months. Recently at this beginning of 2018 I was my old self, smoking, drinking, got out of a toxic relationship, felt happy. I went to a rave and took Molly, had a huuuuge panic attack and after that I started seeing more anxiety in my life. Stopped smoking weed again, I met a new amazing guy ( my boyfriend now) and a couple of months ago around June panic attacks started coming back worse. I started withdrawing from things i like to do and things progressivley got worse. I didn't want to drink for my 21st birthday even though i used to love partying and panic just really felt like it controlled my life. I went on a trip up north with my boyfriend after my birthday and I really lost it. I had a panic attack on our long car ride which turned into multiple which turned into vomiting every food i ate, sitting in the shower for hours shaking and losing it. I ended up not eating for three days and felt very weak. When i came back home I thought i would be better but this fear of food and vomiting started multiplying too. I cut out alcohol, weed, caffiene, and any food I thought would make my stomach upset or make me feel not like myself. i even took claritin and threw it up because i thought it would make me feel weird, etc. I can't eat out at restaurants or take any medications or vitamins, I only eat "safe foods" i missed out on a trip to hawaii (agoraphobia) and I have a trip to a music festival coming up. I just want to be back to my old self and enjoy life again. this post was really just a rant and it feels good to be typing it out obviously there is a lot more than this i didn't type I'm sure you've stopped reading by now, but I just want to know I don't have to live like this for the rest of my life. how can i stop these weird quirks and fears stop ruling my life? i refuse to go back on medication but i want to enjoy food again and not be scared of it, have a drink and not be nervous its going to spin me into an attack again. i want to live again!

[Jeff1943]

piperlee, you keep cutting out weed which means you keep going back on it. Many people on this forum have said that marijuana affects them adversely, I think people with a tendency to anxiety disorder are particularly prone to be badly affected by it. So maybe give weed up completely and don't keep going back to it. That may help.