anxiety & panic over seeing my doctor, advice to overcome?

[balboaxox]

Hi, I'm new to this site, and I am from the UK, I'm really sorry if I'm doing this wrong or posting in the wrong area..

Basically, I suffer with anxiety, depression and PTSD, I went to see a new doctor at my new surgery, I moved over a year ago, I didn't go to my initial check up when I registered, and having registered for months upon end, I only just made my first appointment over 6 weeks ago now.

Prior to making this appointment, I had a panic attack, one I have never experienced before in my life, one where I was sat in my bathroom, I felt like I couldn't move whatsoever, I felt like I was going in and out of consciousness, I could barely speak, my partner was trying to calm me down the best he possibly could, bless him. He had to physically lift me to our bedroom, I thought I was dying, I thought I was seriously incredibly ill. Thankfully due to my partner's efforts I calmed down, it took some time.

Before this last panic attack, I only had ones where I hyper ventilated, physically shook, what I call minor (please take no offence to this comment) but in my experiences, I can only feel like they were for me personally, in comparison to this last attack I had. I can half handle those kind of panic attacks these days, but the one in my bathroom, I have never experienced ever.

Anyway, it prompted me to make an appointment, it still took me 2 week to work myself up to this, I had it in my head I really needed some kind of help. I went to my appointment, with anxious struggles, I explained my anxiety and fear, avoidance of doctors, I half explained why I felt such a way over it. She was an amazing doctor, so helpful and gentle, she prescribed me citalopram at 10mg, and normally the next appointment would be booked for in a month's time before the prescription runs out but she was really nice and said to book one for in 2 weeks.

I felt relief, supported, comfortable almost.

I started my medication straight away, apart from slight drowsiness, appetite loss, I felt it working. In the past I've forever been prescribed sertraline, as many times I kept saying I didn't feel it was right for me, I didn't feel it was working for me, despite taking it as I should for years, every doctor I saw was reluctant to change it, even psychiatrist. Back when I was first diagnosed, I was prescribed both sertraline and quetiapine (I think it's spelled, maybe wrong, I'm sorry) now together I felt them, though I forever felt a deep fogginess, the psychiatrist I saw a year to 2 years ago solely prescribed me sertraline.

Back to present, I completely missed my 2nd appointment, I made another for a week later, I cancelled, again a week or 2 later, i cancelled, maybe this time spans a bit longer, I can't currently think as clearly as I used to.

Anyway I've yet to make another's appointment, ideally with the same doctor, I really felt so comfortable with her, but my anxiety over doctors (because of previous experience, and why I'm diagnosed with what I am, I so badly struggle to sit down with someone new or even anyone of authority I call it, to tell them what's going through my head) the way I've cancelled or missed appointments, I feel so guilty and bad, and disrespectful towards her, my doctor.

I know deep down I should just face up to the music, I fear seeing disappointment in the doctor's eyes, I fear seeing that worried expression, I always burst into tears when trying to explain myself, I feel foolish for how I am over these things.

I am so sorry for such a long message, but I could really do with some advice, or tips, or is anybody else like this? How you handle this?

I've even kinda forgot my original question, I'm already feeling so anxious just typing all of this. I feel the start of panicking come over me just thinking of phoning them, apologising again and again, wondering if I'll have the guts to actually go and visit this time.

I'm sorry, and again incase I've posted in the wrong place...

P.S she also suggested I try talking therapy, this time being condition based counselling, how to deal with these conditions etc, whereas before it's been CBT, or I don't know the best way to say but counselling for abuse victims.

[Rosepetal60]

Hi & welcome, I've only joined recently but I feel sure you have posted in the right area. My brief advice would be to make that second appointment with the first doctor you originally saw but if possible, take a friend or your boyfriend with you. Previous to you appointment, it might make you feel calmer, if you write a short letter to the GP you are seeing for your appointment, to say you were sorry for having to cancel the previous appointments you had made with her. Not that you need to but you might feel better having written it down on paper and handed the letter into reception at the surgery. This in turn, may well help you feel less stressed when you go for your appointment with the GP you initially saw and liked. I try and stay with the same GP I'm seeing for that particular problem because it can be upsetting & stressful explaining everything again to a new to me GP. My thoughts on you being offered talking therapy. Sounds like a good idea to take her up on this. Talking things out can help in my limited experience. Wishing you the best in your way forward. 🌻🌻🌻

[saturn2k]

Wow, I swear you could have been writing my story. Pretty much the same. I have a doctor phobia from a past experience. Very very afraid of going to the doctors, but I did as my sister made the appointment and dragged me there. Best thing that every happened. Had a few years of therapy (CBT) with a psychologist, on anti depressants and when needed a very low dose of Serapax to help with anxiety. I suffered from PTSD, anxiety and depression and OCD. I am an abuse survivor, which included the clergy. Can I just say, that I have truly come through to the other side. I joined over a week ago and wanted to help others because I truly believe that if I can get through this, then everyone can ! If you are up to it, maybe you could read some of my posts to various other questions ? I am available 100% to answer questions, and will be very honest sharing my experiences. I really do understand the cancelling of appointments, so do the doctors, it's all part of this condition. Facing reality and hearing truths, is so hard, when you have spent so long living in a way to protect yourself. You are being stripped bare, and like the analogy goes, you are like an onion, being peeled back layer by layer, exposing yourself. It's very very hard, very very confronting. I once said in one of my sessions with my Clinical psychologist, that I feel like I am being asked to run naked down the main street. That's how difficult and that's how hard it is to listen to the truth, and to tear down the protection we have built around us and to start living honestly and freely. big hug.