Why am I this way???

[Hateanxiety]

Hi everyone,as most of you know I have been suffering with a choking phobia for 6 months,that means when I eat I am afraid of the swallowing for fear that I will choke. Well during these 6 months I have lost 30 pounds,for the past 2 days I have been quiet a bit better at eat without so much fear and have gained 2 pounds. I don't know how to explain it but when I saw those 2 pounds I freaked,something snapped and was like "omg I'm gonna get big again." That was odd for me because yes when I was a teen I had anorexia nervosa,but with help and time I got over that and have my kids. After I had my second baby I got to normal weight that the doctors were comfortable with and I was as well,but my birth control at the time had side affects of weight gain and seeing that I tried everything else my doctor advised I get my tubes tied or stick with it. Needless to say I gained a lot,i ended up getting my tubes tied but before I did that I was depressed and would gorge on junk food to feel better. After I got my tubes tied and with my husbands distaste I converted back to being at vegetarian which I was my whole life before meeting him,a few months later I developed anxiety,panic attacks and GERD. A week after the anxiety started I developed the choking phobia which I had once before,when I started dropping the weight though I freaked out because my first thoughts were"I got so sick and was bones before,I can't do that again." So I have been trying to get the eating straightened out,I still having got the phobia completely gone,I still have a ways to go but its when better these past 2 days. I can't understand what is wrong with me,why do I panic when I see the numbers fly down on the scales because of the fear of getting sick but feel traumatized when I seen those 2 pounds I gained? Does anyone have a answer? Am I just completely mental?

[Jeff1943]

Hateanxiety, I think maybe the last two days represent a sea change in your relationship with food and your perception of eating. Food is one of the great pleasures of life and you have denied yourself that pleasure for too long. You have also denied your body the nourishment it needs to provide you with the energy to care for your children and family the way you want.

May I suggest you throw away those scales or put them somewhere out of reach. You don't need them any more, they do you more harm than good.

I don't believe you are ever going to be overweight and I don't believe you will ever choke on what you eat, that's all in the past.

Let your appetite guide you, sufficient unto the day thereof: sensible foods and sensible amounts. From what you say, I think the door on your past eating problems is finally closing.

[Hateanxiety in reply to Jeff1943]

Thank jeff1943,I actually ate dinner tonight with no fear. It was great,I didn't even need to sting a gulp of water to swallow my food,I would tense every so often but I think that was out of habit. I guess subconsciously I never mental got over the anorexia,physically yes I have been over for years now but mental I suppose the illness never left.

[Agora1 in reply to Hateanxiety]

Hateanxiety, I'm proud of you. You took a big step forward tonight. Wishing you continued success each day. xx

[Hateanxiety in reply to Agora1]

Thank you Agora1,I hope you are doing well yourself.