The Days I wanted to give up, the days I did....

[Lifeless100]

Escapism. I look at the above pic and think “Ok I had no problems then (6 years ago)”. Truth be told, I had issues then too. Since 2002. Escapism! It may well be my very favorite (forced by issues) activity. Balance in fundamental to survival, yet at most times, I cannot find any balance at all anymore. I twist and turn as I move thru the labyrinth of my own minds issues, and sadly, many times, I am stuck. The timeline is always moving, but the starting point is somewhat of a riddle I suppose. Darkness, youth traded for dreams, and the lines of my face that let me know I have weathered far too many storms. I suppose I could say that I am proud I weathered so many storms, but truly, there were the days I tried to make it, and did not make it. The days I wanted to give up, and the days I gave up. The days I swore I would get better, and the days I sat in a parking lot, laying in my vehicle with phone apps playing waves in my ear as I shook until the Klonopin kicked in.

What do I know? I know nothing. There is nothing to know. We are born. We live, we love, lose, and die. Somewhere in the middle, we try as best as we can to do a few things, and I think they are universal:

We want to be accepted and loved. This starts as early as the playground.

We want someone to think we are awesome and we want someone to be awesome to us.

We want tranquility

We want….screw it. I don’t feel like typing anymore. I don’t feel good. I thought I slept wrong but my neck and head hurt. My face, head, and all over feels sore. Kind of like Sinus pressure and such.

That is all for now…..

-S-

[Jeff1943]

Lifeless, if you want tranquility I doubt if you'll find it in this world, a few moments to warm your hands by the camp fire maybe, but little else.

We are all engaged in a struggle, it begins at birth and only ends when we hear the chiming of the hour. So best to enjoy the struggle, the drama, the small victories, we are being tested after all.

Best to enjoy the struggle, the war without end. But as so often happens we end up on the casualty list, shell shock, neurasthenia, nerves shot to ribbons. But it never quite destroys us, we can take it after all, a short rest then off to the next battle. That's life, but it's not anxiety disorder. You can't fight that, mustn't do it, because fighting your anxiety only causes more stress and tension, enough to stoke the fires of your next panic attack.

So off to the next battle, it might be better than the last, who knows, it might. Yes, best to enjoy the struggle and all the posturing and dramas along the way. Sooner or later someone will think you awesome, they really will, they always do.