Almost five months ago I stopped taking medication due to a physical health problem and decided to stay off it to see if I could cope without it. I've had peaks and troughs but overall I thought i'd be able to get used to the feelings (I get physical feelings rather than emotional ones) and continue.
But I went camping for a few days in the sticks and without even noticing that I was tense for the four days I was out there I've come back a wreck. Again, I don't feel anxious, and my heart doesn't even race - thats the annoying thing, it's never the 'traditional' anxiety symptoms anymore - but my body is extremely heavy, I feel often on the verge of collapse, when I get out of bed and try to move around I get waves of nausea ripping through my body, I can barely stay awake although my mind isn't tired, just my body....
I haven't got a temperature, I don't look ill and my palms are sweating, so that tells me it's all psychological but I don't know how I'm suppose to carry on like this. It doesn't matter that it's in my mind, it makes no difference, because everytime I try to get on with my day I'm crippled with nausea and dizziness and I feel like I'm quivering all over.
I have to go back to work on Weds (I'm on annual leave) so I need to be better by then. That's the thing. I'm constantly in recovery. I'm constantly just trying to rest and recover enough that I can go on functioning. I struggle through the week - Friday I usually just pretend to work - then the weekend is a washout because I can't do anything. I have to recover, I just feel horrible all over.
So i guess I have to go back on pills. I don't want to, I think that given time and space I could get over it by myself, but due to me having a job (and I fully intend on keeping that job!) I don't have the luxury of time and space. I am furious about this!