Back in March I had my first ever HUGE panick attack. I had had several panick attacks before but I was always able to control them and heart palpitations never bothered me. So I was sitting in the grand opera house and it was warm, sticky and very clostrophobic. I remember sitting there thinking about the heat and how much I was sweating and how sick I had suddenly felt. I needed to go to the toliet but there was no way for me to get passed people and the panick set in, flashes of fear would sweep over me, growing intenser by the second and I couldn't stop gripping onto my other halfs hand. Long story short I left half way through the performance, the night at the opera house was a gift to my other half and I felt guilty for ruining his night. He didn't seem to mind but I couldn't stop blaming myself for weeks.
For the next couple of months I swore I was pregnant, test after test all of which were negative. I didn't understand why I was feeling sick all the time, nausea would grip me when I smelt something I didn't like or sat down to food. I had the occasional vomiting fit. I have lost alot of weight 32lbs in 2 months to be exact.
In May we planned a trip to Donegal and while I was there things got worse. I was up at night, felt sick and would shake while lying in bed. I constantly had a nervous feeling in my stomach. When I got home I made an appointment to see the doctor, he put me on propranolol which helped me a bit and referred me for CBT. In my head I was looking for some miracle cure to rid me of this horrible feeling and I knew there wasn't one which made the anxiety worse.
Time went on and I wasn't getting any better, only worse. I couldn't accept I had anxiety problems. I couldn't accept I was a mess. I could no longer go to the shops or do simple things like take my son to school or make meals. I had forgotten what it felt like to be happy. I was stuck in my own world and my other half was doing everything while also working full time and all I could do was ly in bed shaking with fear.
Enough was enough and I needed extra help. I reluctantly agreed to take sertraline and a couple of benzos for when I was really bad and to help me through my first couple of weeks of the sertraline.
I got so bad I didn't leave the house for 2 months, driving even a mile away from home would send me crazy, as if the whole world was spinning, as if I wasn't on this planet.
One day I told my partner that I didn't know how much longer I could do this. I would ly in bed with thoughts of suicide, I wouldn't do it but I felt like doing it if that make sense.
I couldn't understand why I felt like this, I had everything to live for, caring partner, beautiful son, buying a house, my partner got a huge promotion at work and i have a great family. I just felt so sad all the time and so scared to be away from my comfort zone.
Today I'm not going to lie I still feel nervy but I can handle a bit of nerves. Take a deep breath and march forward. I'm trying not to let things get to me and trying not to be so hard on myself. One day I thought I can't do this anymore, I threw my legs outta bed, got ready and I left the house. I try to do something everyday. I'm now going into shops, taking my son to school and getting into taxis. It's still hard but no where near as hard as it was. I now appreciate all the small things. Instead of putting myself down when I panick I now reward and praise myself and it feels good. I now actually look forward to my next daily challenge. It is hard but it's the only way I know I'll be "normal" (whatever that is) again.
The doctors have done some tests on me, I'm folate deficient and my b12 could be a bit higher. After a week of taking folic acid and additional vitamins I feel alot better in myself but only time will tell. Mediation really helps and breathing properly. The headspace app is fab, it teaches you how to let go of thoughts.
We will all get better, it takes time. Believe you can get better. I know getting better is different for everyone and we heal in our own time and some days are easier said than done. So what if you have a bad day don't beat yourself up about it, be proud of yourself for even trying. Stop blaming yourself for how you feel, love yourself. I wish I had of loved myself sooner and taken more care of myself. Said no when I didn't want to go to that stupid party, or wanting so desperately to make other people happy. Don't feel ashamed when you need a bit of help to get better. Don't be afraid of embarrassing yourself, you'll be surprised how many people are going through the same and will help you if you need help.
Here's to getting better one day at a time xoxo
Do you get good days can I have good days no matter how bad I am
Is it actually worth it and will it ever get better? 
Will this get better anytime soon 
