What a horrible birthday for me

So today I turn 21, yay me, I survived this far.

But oh god, is it the worst birthday of my whole entire life. I couldn't sleep at all last night - barely got some 5 hours of sleep before my dog decided to bark non stop, some unimportant people kept ringing the house bell and people in the streets kept yelling. Woke up, took a benzo immediately, got up, no one was there to wish me a happy birthday. Before I even went to bed I had a fight with my best friend via text messages in the middle of the night. My mom came home, and said "oh you're up, I didn't have time to wrap up your present!" and those were the only 5 happy minutes of the day - I blew out the candle, ate some cake with my mom and brother who also came to wish me a happy birhtday, and looked at my sweet little presents of all the cosmetics and supplements that I love.

And after that - a sh*tstorm. I got two emails from my college. One saying I have to get up tomorrow at 8 am (I go to bed at 5 am because I can't fall asleep due to insomnia and sleep for ten hours straight - I physically am not strong enough for this...) to go have a "short conversation about the classes I am trying to get into this year" with a teacher - what the hell? Literally no one else had this experience and no one knows why I have to go, and I asked a lot of my fellow colleagues. The second email was basically them denying my request to not have to go to classes of the subject I failed last year, only to go on exams, which is a REGULAR THING in my college (obviously if you failed the subject before you only have to go to the exams - isn't that kind of logical?). This messes my thoroughly thought up plan so bad you have no idea!!! I don't know why it was denied! I literally have no idea what's happening and I am shaking right now because I don't know what I am going to do.

I have horrible anxiety and I am physically ill, but with no medical proof of it - I'm scared they're going to kick me out of college. Was it my fault I fell ill due to all the stress I've been through? This year I was supposed to rest up, finally start therapy and NOT worry about college - and look what's happening to me now!! ON MY BIRTHDAY!! Jesus I just can't catch a break!!

3 Replies

  • First of all, Happy Birthday!!! And second.. All I can say is that everything will work itself out. You just have to believe that. Today might be shitty but tomorrow is a new day. Do something nice for yourself today!

  • Hey, sorry they've not allowed you to just sit the exam only. And for the talk, sounds like they do want to offer support to get you through it- please dont think they're just out to make life difficult (i know you wouldn't think that deep down) but it would be a perfect opportunity to bare your soul and tell them everything in person. See what thet can do to help.

    If it turns out the anxiety is too debilitating, thet may be able to help with a referral to a therapist? And i know its not what you want but to quit college and get healthier physically and mentally first is also an option. Which isn't a bad thing, its what i did with work and my training. Instead i enrolled on a distance learning college to home study and got my diploma a few months ago.

    Then again, you might have gone to tbe meeting with the tutor and things are looking better??

    And very Happy belated birthday wishes to you, from me:)

    i hope you're feeling well today. Xx

  • Hey, thanks for the reply...

    And it was bad news. Turns out they wanted to tell me if I don't pick MORE classes for this year, they are going to expel me next year. Yeah. So that happened. And I didn't have any time to explain my situation since I was basically thrown out of the office because the professor "was late for something and didn't have the time".

    I checked the college rules later and I don't understand them because the rules say something completely different - I sent them an email explaining this and no one replied so far.

    Thank you for your wishes, but I am feeling awful. Yesterday I had a very busy day, attended my first class and barely made it through, slept for 12 hours last night and still feel tired. I cannot even imagine going through this at the moment, I do not have the strength for it.

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