so yesterday was an okay day. I woke up and had stuff to do. band stuff. I joined a band. so i wake up I had left the dishes out for a few days i felt so terrible so I do them and I try to warm up some food using the microwave. BOOM. it goes out. panic ensues me. I am like... fuck... FUCK. I have to eat what do I do. I dont have anything I can easily prepare. so I eat cold left overs and head out. the meeting goes okay. i go over the songs. we go get food then come back and go over them a little bit more.
this isnt the issue. this is all fine. this was dare i say progress. meeting with complete strangers and hanging out and working on music. NO the conflict happens later. but this is to paint a picture of my day.
so my ear has been hurting and I decided to go to urgent care they cant really help me but they are all really nice and its just a cool thing. I left feeling very relaxed and happy. I go home because i have my guitar with me. I need to go shopping INSTRUMENTS IN HOT CAR IS A NO NO. so i drop by home. I think I noticed it then but I didnt want to acknowledge it because we had talked about this. suicidal derek, means not leaving a gun where I can easily get to it. its for my safety its not super hard to do and it was discussed. so I go shopping instead of walmart i go to albertsons its closer and less people meaning happier derek.
I come back and unload my groceries start cooking and out of sight out of mind. but i get curious so i look and sure enough. its right there. the way out. the easiest fucking way out. its there. i gnore the thoughts and return to cooking. but they persist. idk if its anxiety ocd or depression. but the thoughts eat at me. I cook my food and portion it close my eyes as i walk past the gun and hide in my room.
the thoughts persist... they dont let up. they are becoming more and more real. I think okay. I have two options. I can contact a friend to talk to about this or try to watch something. I chose to hit up a friend. and obviously she was scared. i was too. but as you can see I am still alive. we worked out lot of different guilt trips to keep me alive. me hurting her. my hurting my family. things that i couldnt ignore. but the problem was the gun was still there.
so she asked why was the gun there. I expressed: conservative christian trump supporter marine who open carries: she kinda got the picture. but i told her i asked him not to leave it out because of how it makes me feel. she says are they home. i said yes sleeping. she said can you wake them up. because either way if you shoot your self they are going to wake up. so i texted him. waited an hour or so. then called...
I stutter and barely say text read. he hangs up. comes to my room. i am shaking stuttering unable to really form sentence. i say text. read. he says he has no text. i hand him my phone. at this point i cant remember exactly what happened. but the essentially he has asked me to move. last month gave me 6 months. 6 months. doable. its 5 months now. HE ASKS ABOUT ME MOVING WHILE I AM IN PANIC... seriousy why? like how does this make anything better. i mention san diego but i neeed to save it will cost around 300 to move all my stuff. but i will be out in 5 months like we agreed. he says.... SOONER WOULD BE BETTER.
why... why would he do that to me. I am struggling to get by. struggling with even existing. YOU LEFT YOUR FUCKING GUN OUT AND ITS MY FAULT SOMEHOW?!
I havent left my room. I have been sleeping off and on. crying. feeling more suicidal. because wow... what a nice thing to say to someone. i cant even face my roomies. its the weekend so they are awake and about. I have been up since 530 without food or anything waiting for them to go to bed so I can do anything. this existence... its terrible. idk how to go on. i just started a new therapist i figured 5 months would be enough visits to help get my shit under control... I see my therapist tuesday and then i see my dr on thursday. i will tell them all of this. but i am at a lost for words. or thoughts. I am hiding. because i am scared. scared if i even bring it up they will just kick me out.
and they have every right... i am a burden here.
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DerekAZduder
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I was going to bed, but for some reason I just decided to check my email. I haven't been around this forum for a couple of months, but I am still registered because I have found a lot of help here. First of all, you are not alone. Second of all, you already acknowledged your greatest problem without even considering it, "your thoughts." You have to deal with your roommates later, but now, you need to focus in changing your thought patterns. I call it, renewing your mind. Why? because our thoughts are so powerful that if we don't control them, they will! It is like they start having a mind of their own. It reminds me to the movie inception...a dream of a dream. Anyhow, if music is your passion, start focusing your thoughts in writing music. The gun been there is not the problem, but thinking but you can do with it. I know it sounds too "easy" to say it, but I have been dealing with depressions for 30 years, so I know one thing or two about emotions. I have learned because I had to learn to recognize my weaknesses, fears, and anything that was controlling the way I felt. It is not an easy walk, but believe me, there is freedom in choosing what is best for us. By dealing with things one at a time and conquering it, you feel empowered. You are already there. You had the thoughts, you called a friend, you brought up the issue, and now you have to deal with the housing dilemma, but you are alive because you used those same thoughts to take action in something positive!
My thing is that for ever bad thought, I need to find two positive ones and just move on! Perhaps you don't see it now, but you are already taking control of your emotions. I trust you will be fine.
Please reach to this forum anytime. YOU CAN CONTROL YOUR THOUGHTS! Each one of us have a purpose to be the best we can be in this life, but we just need to diligently seek it, and act on it once is found. And how? by making the right decisions.
Let me know how your doctor's visit go. Remember, you are the builder of your own life, so make a great foundation, and when the storm comes, yours can remain strong.
Derek you need to go and get some food inside you and some water x you will make your self ill x and if you see your room mates and they say anything x just say your having a hard time at the moment x
Ok Derek I'm a bit confused! The guy that's asked you to leave is it his house? And why does he want you to leave? He obviously wants to intimidate you!!! What's going on with them?
First of all how are you feeling now?have you had something to eat and drink yet? I'm just trying to understand why they are doing that to you and want you to leave?
first off. i have eaten. once but it was a lot of food. I have water next to me. i should probably drink more of it. i am feeling weird. considering everything that happened tonight. see my latest post.
They asked me to move out last month in 6 months, because they want to start a family and they are a married couple and have had a roommate their entire marriage. and its okay. i respect that.
they are a nice couple who have done a lot for me. let me live with them rent free for 9 months when all this first started happening. july 2014. and its time for me to leave.
but what hurt was him saying. sooner would be better. like... i am in crisis i asked you to not do this because of how it made me feel and you agreed to not do it. so why am i at fault when you left your gun out. why would you shorten from 6 months to idk what now because sooner would be better does not give me a timeframe... and i cant afford to leave in any sooner of a timeframe.
I understand now, they have been kind I can see that. I don't care what people say wether your paying rent or staying rent free eventually they want there own space back. Maybe when things have calmed down a bit you can talk to them?and just remind them you can't move out yet, you need some more time to get the money together. They do obviously care about you or they wouldn't have put you up rent free like they have done. Your bound to feel upset by it all who wouldn't!! Try talking to them Derek.
Can you get an emergency appointment with your therapist? you need to try have a bit of control over what's happening to you to get out of this situation
I thought they really cared about you because of how they've helped you. He's Having a hard time too isn't he. You've just got to focus on finding somewere else now for everyone's sake. It's never the best sharing with someone. I've seen it go wrong for people many times. I'm glad your mom was able to help you too by talking to them 🙏🏻
Hi Derek, I read your story and really concerned about you, first of all getting out of that house would be best, not because you think your a burden, but because your roommates are not thinking deep enough and have a gun in the house with someone who is depressed. You need a safe place with trusted friends to talk to , your therapist, your meds if your on them, a good peaceful environment, and not being pushy, but most of all Jesus, who is a miracle healer, helper, and up 24/7 always listening, . I pray that you find peace of mind here on earth and stay away from insensitive people, they may not even know that they are acting insensitive because they just dont understand depression. Most people I know don't understand anxiety OCD and hypochondria which is what I have and it's frustrating as shit when you need to talk to someone and they say to just shake it off, or get ket it go, if I could I would. So I know how you feel and I just don't get mad at them because they don't get it, but your in a great site here full of people who understand each other, and we can tell each other anything and be healed within. I know you may think suicide may be a quick way out , but you are depriving yourself of being healed and happy and living a full life. Go outside and look up , look around, everything out there us a miracle, trees water grass flowers , parks, sweet little animals . God Bless You My Friend❤️ We can talk anytime. lynl
Please eat something with potassium like a banana , and maybe some orange juice, you don't want to go into a sugar low, that will cause shaking, and please start drinking water, stay away from caffeine for now. Let me know how u are
I do need a safe place. they arent bad people. he is a marine who battled depression and suicidal ideation like most ptsd victims. leaving will be best. and I am going to do it but... I survive off 789 fixed income from disability. rent is 300 thank god. it was 480. to save up enough money to move how many months would it take. i need time. but living here is so fucking hard. everything is a conflict. they arent bad people. but yeah... idk.
Have you talked to job and family services ? They also can direct you to "fair housing " or call the 211 number and I think they help with that too. Maybe a family member or close friend to room with. I know this is a big expense , but you health and sanity come first along with happiness. Sometimes I wish I could take my own advice with my health anxieties. ❤️
A friend of mine went through it , but she ended up living with her mom and dad. Call the welfare department, they have different ideas and can guide you and give you phone numbers regarding housing and such. Try and relax my friend. Let me know how it goes, or if you just need to talk. lynl
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Not sure what to do anymore...
Going to tell you all something that I've never told anyone before...
Please help me am devastated 
