This is my beautiful disaster called anxiety!

I have suffered with anxiety since I was 8 years old. I have been through all of it. I just want to offer my words of advice and wisdom to anyone out there who is still unsure of thier minds. I'm 29 and I kept my anxiety under control for years, and by under control I mean I was an alcoholic in my early 20s to binge drink away how I felt, i grew up as the type of person who could feel people's pain, so I always wondered if this is why I have so much anxiety. I can't think about myself first bc i am always worried about other people, if they're ok and trying to make them feel better. All while I forget about my own state of mind, then I wonder why no one ever truly asks me "are you ok?" I have 2 beautiful daughters and a soon to be husband. I look at my children everyday and say to myself "you have to pick yourself up for them!" I beg and question god to please save me, give me another chance, i would give anything not to feel this way, i want to feel "normal".... I constantly questions my fiance "why do you stay with me, i am such a mess!?" He always holds me and replies "because I love you!" He tells me everyday to please talk to my dr., Get more advice so you feel better and you know. Sometimes I also feel like the drs are not paying attention. They're missing something bc surely this is not anxiety...my mind/bkdy has been through so much torture I often wonder how I'm still alive. I'm worried everyday thst I will have a heart attack or a stroke. My blood pressure gets high bc my generaliced anxiety mixes with my OCD, and when you combine this with kids, well it's not fun....I can worry about my child choking on her fruit snacks all while thinking please don't get my shirt dirty at the same time. I want to believe I've been able to cope or control my anxiety, but that will never be true, i will always need my Lorazapam as my backup. Can't do holidays, go to the store, or even out with friends without being stressed for days/weeks. Unlike my past where I could drink my pain away, i avoid alcohol now bc i tend to have worse panic attacks. If I had to guess why my anxiety is so high I would say it's due to a traumatic past. Abusive relationship, horrible death of a family member, emergency c-section.... things that people should even be excited about, like buying a new car, makes me batty.... but unlike the past I now know why I have my anxiety, I've done therapy for awhile and throughout that time my therapist kept bringing up the word. "Control"... we cannot control one aspect of something and it can trigger everhthing. Whether it's bc you can control yourself, the weather, an object, a child's behavior. .. it's about accepting that we an not control our anxiety, but we can find ways to cope with it and recognize what sets it off. I've realized having my panic attacks are being caused by my loss of control of where my life has taken me. It wasn't my planned direction. I Wanted More! The amount of symptoms one can feel from anxiety is absolutely insane..I've suffered, nimbness, tingling, chest pain, left arm pain, migraines, floaters, ear ringing, ear fulness, vibrations, random pains, pins and needles, constipation, bipolar, uncontrollable crying, random anger, weather related moods, winter blues, heart flutters, dizzyness, foggy brain for days. ....and it could just go on...

I have been a stay at home mother for 4 years now, my fiance works 60 hours a week and I've tried working part time Jobs, none ever working out. I always had an excuse to stop working. Because I was too afraid of being away from my family....yet I am completely stressed bc we are around eachother too much, i don't get out enough, and yet I cant escape. My point is, I'm lonely with hardly any freindships, and I'm bored, i don't have enough to fill my mind. I would think the reason most of us have anxiety is bc we don't have enough to do, to stop us from overthinking. Or some of us might be overly stressed and can't stop thinking.. whatever it may be, try to relax, reach out to a freind, i like to turn classical music such as mozart on and sit by myself. Find your escape! This is the beautiful disaster called my anxiety!

3 Replies

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  • Thank you for sharing x

  • You are so strong and a real inspiration. Just know that God is always there always holding your hand. He loves us and through our weaknesses He can use us. I pray for you××××××

  • I feel like you just wrote my life story I can understand every word you have wrote I'm so glad to know I'm not alone.... your words mean so much to me and I don't even know you lol but thank you reading that made me feel so much better!!! Stay strong :)

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