Nervous breakdown

[Gunnar]

First of all let me say that I have had a similar breakdown two other times in my life. Both of which were at really stressful times of my life. Here is where I'm at, and I hope you guys can provide some light on the situation. I just graduated college and have my degree, however at the beginning of the year I had a terrible panic attack that had me bed ridden for a week. I literally could not eat, sleep, or drink. I wanted to die at that point. I'm a former athlete, so these feelings really knocked me down. The next year I dealt with anxiety so bad that there were days I ate little to nothing. I'm scared of what I have done to my body, as I haven't dropped but a few pounds, and on some days when I didn't eat I lost no weight at all. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to lose weight. I love food, and used to eat heaftily as I was on a strict training program/diet. Anyway, this problem has spiraled out of control. I live in fear of going back to those feelings, and I think about it every single day. It has literally halted my life. I eat and my my is screaming "don't vomit don't vomit don't vomit!" I'm scared to go out and get a job, because I KNOW I'll be anxious if I get the job and I KNOW what my anxiety will bring. Here's the deal, though I say I know those things will happen, half of my says "those are irrational thoughts, you'll be okay." I can't beat them though. I've tried deep breathing, and it helped, I've tried imagery and it helped, and I've tried exercising again, and it helped. However, the Anxiety always finds a way to return. This has sparked depression in my life. I have no job with my degree, I was forced to move back home because I know I couldn't handle the real world, and I don't have a significant other. About halfway through my senior year I began to expirament with marijuana and I soon found it to be the answer to my anxiety. I could finally eat again without having a panic attack and self doubting myself out of a meal. However, the marijuana only did the trick for a bit. We (me and 2 other college housemates) had a night that we invited people over for a huge meal. I smoked to get my appetite up, and then I was asked to cook hashbrowns. While cooking I started to get a full dizzy feeling that I knew was a panic attack coming on. That day I figured out that marijuana may not be the miracle drug I was hoping for. However I kept smoking it because even if it wasn't making me hungry, it was making my stomach hurt A LOT less than when I wasn't smoking it and was anxious. Since I've come home I've smoked everyday for the last 7 months. It makes me feel so guilty, because I know I'm truly evading the problem instead of figuring out what is causing my anxiety. However, the more intelligent side of me knows what I'm doing is wrong, so I started seeing a therapist. My mom smokes marijuana and has smoked it since I could remember. I know she has mental health problems, but she is to stubborn to get help. She believes the world owes her something for how she grew up. Honestly, I understand these feelings because I feel the same way. My mom wasn't around much growing up, and her and my deceased dad were crack addicts. I've read around, and figured out that children sometimes shut out things after they experience something traumatic. So say a boy was molested by someone when he was a kid, he may not have functional memories until he reaches a certain age. This has happened to me. Thinking back I can't remember anything before the age of 9 possibly 10 years old. I remember a sliver here and there, but I felt as if I didn't have a conscious mind as a kid. I'm not saying something traumatic did happen, but there is a possibility. My sister says she has the same thing and I haven't asked my brother yet. My sister is morally against marijuana, which scares me because her and my mom don't get along, and my mom has helped to enable me. I feel as if I can't open up to her because of this reason. I know it will cause a storm between the three of us and my new stepdad. Growing up I have seen my mom abused by all of her significant others, but growing up I understood why. She purposely tries to get people angry at her, then argues her point till the death. However, for some reason I feel comfortable around her. So here was my plan of action, I was going to come home for a few months, get mental help, with the aid of medication (I know I can't beat this alone), and continue on with my life. That was all pulled to a screeching halt Thursday night this week. My mom has ALWAYS had a problem with pain pills, benzos, and other types of pills. She weighs maybe 130 pounds, and will take too many for her body to handle (she said she took 3 hydros, 1 lorazepam, and some other type of pill, smoked, and finally drank alcohol). My step dad and I left for Texas to pick up a pull along camper, and even though I went I didn't really wanna leave my mom alone because I know that when she is alone she does stupid stuff like that no matter what. The only time she keeps it in check is when she knows it'll get her in trouble. I've seen her barely able to walk she is so messed up on them. I'll take a moment to explain why things boiled over. My step dad went to jail for manufacturing meth and using it. However he has changed for the better. He doesn't mess with drugs anymore besides pills that he has to take for neuropathy in his feet. He would drink quite a bit, and sometimes he did get out of hand (or what my mom perceived to be out of hand). He tried to get her to take a few urine tests because he believed she was on meth. I honestly don't blame him for the simple fact that my mom only has one true friend in the small town we live in. It just so happens that this person is a meth user. When my step dad would try and help her cook supper she would almost always respond in a pissy tone. He essentially had to walk on eggshells, and I feel like he doesn't deserve it. Back to the recent situation. We arrived home at 1030 to every light in the house on and my mom searching through a closet for money where it had no business being. Things were rearranged and items were in places they weren't typically. My step dad asked her one question (he didn't hear so he asked again) and she immediately yelled it at him. He had mentioned her being gapped out on pills and she went into immediate denial, this is where I stepped in. For months I watched my mom treat my new step dad (who never abused her) like crap. I was tired of it, so I pointed out all the things she does to him, and she immediately accused us of going to a whore house while we were gone. This wasn't even near correct, because my anxiety was flaring up so bad during the trip that I could barely eat. My mom claimed she bought food, paid bills, and spent money that my step dad had given her before we left on those things. However there was no new food in the pantry, and she had taken additional money out of her and my step dads "saving barrel". She denied everything, claimed she was tired of us blaming her for everything, and told my step dad to get my name put on the lease. She punched a hole in the wall, and has no lie been pouting over the whole situation since then. I am too, but not because I want to be right. I've fallen into a nervous breaking down again (I'm fidgety just typing this) because I thought this would be a safe place for me. I have now realized that my mom clearly does not care about my mental health as well as hers. I just don't know what to do because I'm so nauseated all the time. I have acid reflux as well, so my stomach literally feels like it's filling up with acid. I have been eating, but I know it is not enough. I maybe get 800-1000 calories between food and drinks. I can't live like this anymore. I'm absolutely exhausted with not being able to eat, and not being able to control my thoughts. I don't have health insurance, and money is really tight right now. My sister recently had her soon to be husband move in and my brother lives with 3 other people in KC (which I know would cause me anxiety if I moved in.) I have been in this state since Thursday night. I want to get on dopamine antagonist just to see if that'll help with the nausea, but I'd also like to be on something for my anxiety and depression. I'm experiencing serious bouts of depersonalization, where I can't figure out who I am. I've been this way since the first panic attack. My therapist has not prescribed me anything because I don't think she understands exactly how I feel, or how much of a halt this has put on my life. During our last session she asked me who I was, and I just broke down because honestly I don't know. I feel like I'm losing my mind, and thought about going to the ER heavily yesterday and around 4 AM this morning. My mom is STILL saying little things here and there trying to prove she wasn't pilled out Thursday night, but she mutters them, just within hearable range. I'm scared because I don't want to end up homeless, but I feel like I need a break from life. I thought about checking into a mental institute but again I have no money, and already have a few unpaid medical bills. I suppose I'm at a loss for what to do. I do have things I could sell off and move out, but I don't know if that's the right thing to do. I do feel like I need to do something and NOW I can't keep living like this, or I know my thoughts will get really dark (I have thought about suicide before). I've pawned my anxiety off to physical things (thyroid problems, diabetes, gastric problems) but I honestly can't afford to get these ruled out. I'm just at a loss of what to do. I want to know what you guys think. Just extra info I told my mom that I wanted to get out because my thoughts are getting bad, to which she replied "what do you mean by bad". I told her I've had thoughts of suicide to which she replied "join the club". I'm not trying to smear her, because I love her and just want to see this relationship between her and my step dad continue, but I feel like I can't take it anymore.