This is my first post so please bear with me (lol)... I have always been a worrier and anxious since I was a small child, I would go through phases where I would have irrational fears when I was a little girl I went through a fear of being sick, this eventually subsided considering I was a child and was easily distracted.. however, I remember having flushes of panic and feeling a sense of "doom" now and again.
When I was 13 and just started high school I went through a very bad phase of anxiety, and experienced panic attacks for the first time ever, I also experienced bad derealization (feeling disconnected from reality etc) and did not know what the hell was happening to me. When I first started school I was involved in a very nasty girl group where I experienced slight bullying (not physical) but emotional which I believe could of contributed to my anxiety. My mum took me to the GP and he confirmed that medically I was fine and referred me to see a counselor, this did not help at all so I actually went and tried hypnotherapy and after three sessions I was fine! Started a new school and it was brilliant, I had friends, socialized all the time and lived life to the full with no issues, anxiety or concerns. During this time, when i was 15 I fell in love with someone and skip forward five years I now have a 3 year old son with him and we have broke up 2 months ago.
Prior to this breakup, we got a house together and I moved out from my mums into my own place with him, which is when my anxiety got really bad so I ended up moving back in with my mum. The relationship had completely broken down and here I am now. We did get back together, but broke up two months ago as he was very manipulative and controlling and emotionally abusive (i feel this is a huge contributor to the way I am feeling now)... On top of this, when my son was born i suffered from post-natal depression and post-natal OCD intrusive thoughts to which I am only dealing with NOW three years down the line... at lot of traumatic events have happened in the space of five months, my uncle suddenly passed away who I was close to which resulted in my 11 year old cousin attempting suicide which affected me, i had an abortion which I deeply regret and resent myself for etc...
Two months ago i feel as though I completely broke down, I dropped out of university because I panicked every time I was there and had extremely bad anxiety, I developed symptoms of agraphobia and found it hard to be out of my house and didn't want to be alone, my OCD intrusive thoughts started again to which I was worried about irrational things which i knew weren't true, I was extremely depressed and couldn't even look at myself in the mirror, my self confidence completely shattered etc. I tried to explain to my partner at the time (who is now my ex) what was happening, he didn't support me at all hence my decision to finally end the relationship of five years as he called me "selfish" for feeling the way I did which was dangerous as this point in my life I felt suicidal .... I did start to feel good, i started to socialize again started to enjoy doing my hair and makeup again, started to feel extremely happy and positive about life, started to look forward to the future and I started to plan my future again which has consisted in me applying for a new degree course (which is more suited to me)...
The past three days though, I feel as though I have gone backwards, I have started to feel depressed again and feel extremely anxious again, I had a panic attack in the post office the other day (but nobody noticed) and i am starting to feel isolated again. Now don't get me wrong, I don't feel as bad as a did those weeks ago, but I am getting panicked at the slightest of things, I feel irritable and unable to relax, I am fearing everything, I am jumping and being startled easily and I keep thinking of past memories of how good my life was and wishing I was there again which is making me feel upset. I keep getting worried that I will feel like this forever..
At the moment, I have this horrendous fear that i am bi-polar, I keep thinking "what if i have bipolar?" I keep fearing that i am going to go crazy any minute and end up in a mental institution.. this is driving me mad every time I have a "good moment" during the day, I watch myself to see if I am acting "hyper" or "over happy" just in case it is a symptom.. I go onto google and look for symptoms of bipolar and worry that I have it, I don't know why but I am convinced I have it! I have never had a psychotic episode in my life, never been on medication for anything and never been hospitalized. I will be doing something during the day, and think bad to things and events that have happened in my life and I think to myself "yep that is a symptom/sign of bi-polar"... or when I sit down to read a book or watch a movie I start to feel like I need to be up and about either cleaning, or doing something as I feel adrenaline running through my body all the time (now I am aware that anxiety causes a lot of adrenaline and it is hard to relax when you are anxious) tonight I had a fear of going insane, and sheer panic overtook my body i didn't hyperventilate but i felt light-headed and felt the need to take myself to hospital because i was scared I was about to go crazy.
i don't understand why I have such a bad fear of being bi-polar, I do not take any medication for anything I use vitamins such as omega 3 fish oil and magnesium which do help and I am also getting CBT therapy and going to practice mindfulness techniques. i have in the past had blood tests to check my thyroid levels (not for anxiety because i don't put weight on and i eat a lot) they came back normal.
Now my therapist has told me that i do not have bi-polar and what I have is OCD and also I am suffering from PTSD from certain events in my life..
Does anyone else suffer from anything like this or am I really just about to go crazy?
Sorry for the long post guys!