Swear to God was having a nervous breakdown this am. After a grueling week (which for anyone else would be a breeze) I literally couldn't get out of bed. The husband had all the usual Sat plans so I somehow "played thru" the day, managing to not actually leave the house, but got my chores done. I don't know how much longer I can live on autopilot and dodge and weave without having a nervous breakdown. (Wouldn't be my first, have had a few) I get to do nothing tomorrow, but the week is gearing up again with things to do Mon, Tues, Wed. I can't leave my house that much. But I have to and do to give the pretense of normal. Then the weekend chores again. Plus I have a whole list of things that I neeed (have) to do, but my anxiety only allows for so little. I can't live this way much longer. Then I ate a big dinner and feel sick. I hate eating and if I could get thin again maybe my anxiety would subside. I just can't function. Have 5 day holiday in May, already dreading.
I can't breathe, think clearly, get anything done without fear of getting in trouble, and most of all I just want it all to go away. I want to stop this world and get off. I need to rest and not feel like I am a do nothing loser.
Wish I had a real terminal disease instead of this one (no one believes metal illness can be terminal).
I'm done. Stick a fork in me. I can't go on like this. And this is all there is and ever has been. No medicine no dr no hospital can cure it. Thanks for letting me vent. Now off to a anxiety dream filled night that wakes me exhausted, if I can actually fall asleep. Get to lay here and have my brain filled with self hate, wishes, shame and sadness.
This life is not worth living.