Hi all, I'm new to this and to blogging. I've struggled with anxiety for about 4 years now. I have tried cognitive behavioural therapy but never really stuck with it. I've been on medication which was really helpful but then I fell pregnant with my first child so I came off it. My first panic attack was about 4 years ago. I was sitting on the couch and my heart started to race - well over 120 beats per minute. My husband was away working at the time and I rang him, certain I was about to die and wanted to say goodbye and that I loved him. He told me to call an ambulance so I did and they came and took me to hospital. After an ECG, blood test and observation they told me I probably just had anxiety, which I was shocked to hear as I had never acknowledged any symptoms of anxiety. I didn't even know anything about it. I can't remember even feeling anxious before. So I started some medication and ever since then (and a couple of other incidents) I've always worried something is happening to me. I'm 25, not overweight and the only illness I have is asthma. I used to smoke but haven't for well over a year and I don't drink, as I am breastfeeding. My heart palpitations give me the most grief, even though logically, I know they are most likely harmless. I've had a 24 hr holter monitor but my heart did not palpitate whilst I was wearing it so it's never actually been observed by a doctor. My doctor told me he was confident nothing was wrong with my heart. I get palpitations everyday now. They had calmed a bit but they are coming back. I'm 5 months postpartum and more anxious than ever. I worry about people I love getting sick and dying. Every bodily symptom that I feel I think it's cancer or a heart attack. I get an adrenaline rush as soon as I feel any sensation, whether it be a palpitation, which feels as though my heart is skipping beats, or heart burn or pain in my shoulder. Rather than thinking- ok-I'm carrying a new baby around which has probably caused the shoulder pain, I go to the extreme; I'm having a heart attack, the doctors are all wrong, it's finally happening. I sit there stressing- should I call an ambulance? It's probably nothing but then I think what if it is and I miss my opportunity to get help and die? I don't want my husband to raise our son alone and I don't want my son to lose his mum. Not to mention in terrified of death. I am so tired of worrying as I remember what my life was like before anxiety, and I wish I could feel confident and healthy like I used to. Sorry for the life story but I'm hoping there is someone out there who understands. I want to be able to enjoy my son with my husband, not just put on a front all the time, pretending to feel normal when really, I can feel my old self drifting further and further away. I will be going back to the doctors this week to see if we can't get some control over my condition. I would like a heart ultrasound and proper testing so I can be assured once and for all that my heart is healthy. I will also start seeing my perinatal psychologist again and perhaps talk about some medications that are safe for breastfeeding. Would love to hear any similar stories that might help me to feel better xxxx thanks so much in advance!! Elise
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