Afternoon Happiness

Bit down this morning, panicking about going out and getting in a state, I agreed to hang out in the front garden with my mr and pup and chat for a bit and get used to the outside world. he locked the gate and was trying to get me going for a little walk, didn't pay off and didn't go, don't understand why its so hard, the thought of walking down the path to the main road terrified me.

Anyway after doing my agreement of staying on the front my nan showed up, earlier then normal and I felt dread I just wanted to be alone. Cups of tea made and started chatting and I were shocked to see how quick I had calmed down and started chatting away, it was a lovely feeling, relaxed I think is the word to describe it ... RELAXED, not felt that in awhile.

Anyway the mr went to get our boy from school and recently I dread this as I cannot go and get myself wound up and the fact im alone and feel garbage worries me, but today nope, none. I felt relaxed about him going and me not, im practicing everyday to get there, my child knows how much I love him and how hard I work, after all negative thoughts fuel anxiety so that's a no no for me now. at least il try....

Being alone with someone in the house... yikes! you know just in case I feel crap break down and they see the vulnerable state I get into, even though she knows my problems and has them herself at times.

When it was time for them to walk through the door, I thought right get my shoes on and go meet them down this scary path, because being outside earlier gave me that little bit of confidence I needed. My nan said shall we go now we can walk and meet them.. arrghh no I cant do that screamed through my head, but instead of panicking I explained, no thankyou, im nervous about going out today so im just going to meet them at the end of the path to the main road, she was fine about that obv just me worrying everyone wont like me?

So off I went opened the door and walked to meet them, legs turning to mush, the world looked so open and... well hard to explain, but I reached it, and I reached it without holding my partners hand I stood on my own feet and didn't collapse into the pavement like id been picturing all week, or a big fat monster coming out from the ground.

When I got back in the relief I felt was amazing, not far but a big achievement to me and I feel like ive made the first step back to getting well again.

And im even more blessed that my childs parents evening is coming up beginning of October, I was so upset i couldn't get there and miss out on that, as i didn't even get to the school to see his classroom, my partner talked to them and they are coming to the home next Tuesday to talk to me about my child and there going to take pictures of the classroom so i can see where my child plays and what it all looks like, how kind is that!

i didn't realise people could be so understanding and kind towards me, i feel very blessed

Sorry for the long blog, i feel much better getting that off my chest lol

hope everyone is having a positive day, and not letting the symptoms control too much, there was a saying i remember all the time ... the worse you feel the less you do, the less you do the worse you feel. So TRUE

The more ive been constantly thinking of ANXIETY FEELING ILL SYMPTOMS SYMPTOMS the worse i have been feeling, trying to act normal and ignore really has made me feel a touch more me today

Anyway, first time in ages my stomach is crying out for food.. so chilli for tea and i cannot wait

in 2 days ive put on nearly 2lb so im on the right way up :-D very please

7 Replies

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  • I am so proud of you mrs!! Well done!! You have done really well:)

    Keep that positive mind going.

    Maybe extend your walk to school abit at a time?

    Love chilli:) I'm doing chicken curry tonight.

    Hope you have a relaxing evening

    Hugs xxx

  • Thankyou very much:-)

    Yes im working up to it and the great thing is half way there is a duck pond I haven't been to in ages, be nice to go again.

    mmm sounds nice haven't had a good curry in ages might have to treat myself to an indian

    Hope your evening is good too:-)

    were watching shrek with our lad, love Disney's lol xxxx

  • Oh well done you , another one flipping well proud of you here , you are doing fantastic !

    Good news with the weight gain as well , I hope you no what a star you are :)

    Your son's school sounds lovely , how nice of them to come round :)

    I am very confident that slowly , but surely you are going to get there , you are doing so well

    Enjoy your tea , sounds lovely what you are having :-/

    xxx

  • Thankyou very much:-)

    I have learned that getting angry with yourself and dwelling gets you nowhere, so trying to keep my chin up:-)

    slowly make improvement and il be happy with that

    Tea was lovely thankyou:P and a full plate empty, yay me lol, might just have ice cream for afters:P

    Hope your day has been a good and positive one:-)

    xxxxxx

  • Well done .............. Its a great thing you've done and proved to yourself you can,,,,, little steps, that's the best thing....

    Lots of love Ker x

  • thankyou so much:-) xx

  • well done michelle, been reading your blogs lately, your little steps are starting to turn into much bigger positive ones so proud of you keep up the good work.xx

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