Bit down this morning, panicking about going out and getting in a state, I agreed to hang out in the front garden with my mr and pup and chat for a bit and get used to the outside world. he locked the gate and was trying to get me going for a little walk, didn't pay off and didn't go, don't understand why its so hard, the thought of walking down the path to the main road terrified me.
Anyway after doing my agreement of staying on the front my nan showed up, earlier then normal and I felt dread I just wanted to be alone. Cups of tea made and started chatting and I were shocked to see how quick I had calmed down and started chatting away, it was a lovely feeling, relaxed I think is the word to describe it ... RELAXED, not felt that in awhile.
Anyway the mr went to get our boy from school and recently I dread this as I cannot go and get myself wound up and the fact im alone and feel garbage worries me, but today nope, none. I felt relaxed about him going and me not, im practicing everyday to get there, my child knows how much I love him and how hard I work, after all negative thoughts fuel anxiety so that's a no no for me now. at least il try....
Being alone with someone in the house... yikes! you know just in case I feel crap break down and they see the vulnerable state I get into, even though she knows my problems and has them herself at times.
When it was time for them to walk through the door, I thought right get my shoes on and go meet them down this scary path, because being outside earlier gave me that little bit of confidence I needed. My nan said shall we go now we can walk and meet them.. arrghh no I cant do that screamed through my head, but instead of panicking I explained, no thankyou, im nervous about going out today so im just going to meet them at the end of the path to the main road, she was fine about that obv just me worrying everyone wont like me?
So off I went opened the door and walked to meet them, legs turning to mush, the world looked so open and... well hard to explain, but I reached it, and I reached it without holding my partners hand I stood on my own feet and didn't collapse into the pavement like id been picturing all week, or a big fat monster coming out from the ground.
When I got back in the relief I felt was amazing, not far but a big achievement to me and I feel like ive made the first step back to getting well again.
And im even more blessed that my childs parents evening is coming up beginning of October, I was so upset i couldn't get there and miss out on that, as i didn't even get to the school to see his classroom, my partner talked to them and they are coming to the home next Tuesday to talk to me about my child and there going to take pictures of the classroom so i can see where my child plays and what it all looks like, how kind is that!
i didn't realise people could be so understanding and kind towards me, i feel very blessed
Sorry for the long blog, i feel much better getting that off my chest lol
hope everyone is having a positive day, and not letting the symptoms control too much, there was a saying i remember all the time ... the worse you feel the less you do, the less you do the worse you feel. So TRUE
The more ive been constantly thinking of ANXIETY FEELING ILL SYMPTOMS SYMPTOMS the worse i have been feeling, trying to act normal and ignore really has made me feel a touch more me today
Anyway, first time in ages my stomach is crying out for food.. so chilli for tea and i cannot wait
in 2 days ive put on nearly 2lb so im on the right way up 
very please
and a full plate empty, yay me lol, might just have ice cream for afters
Pre surgery anxiety. I really think I'm gonna die
Hard time believing 
Insecurities :-(
Is this normal?
When will this stop?????
