I normally have constant butterflies and think alot, but tonight, it's gone up by about 10 levels! I'm hopefully re-taking my equine diploma in September, and was looking at open days at the College, there are only two dates left, I am actually crapping myself! One on the 3rd of July but I have two appointments on that date, and the last one is August 25th so I have to go to that one. I am absolutely terrified of stepping foot into that College again, I want to start fresh, but being there will bring back all the bad memories from early this year.
Obviously the staff will remember all the rubbish that happened last year, and this is the most daunting part for me - being judged as bad news and not getting accepted. I don't want to be remembered as the depressed and suicidal person that caused a load of crap, I am so scared of seeing staff and student faces again, I just want to go back in time...
I am determined and have not even considered other options, I don't want to go to a different College because that would definitely cause me to relapse, not knowing where I'm going is a massive fear. I know where everything is at the College I'm going back to and what the course entails, I've had a bit of a 'taster year' shall we say.
I want to go back and give it my all, but I have a terrible feeling this anxiety will stay with me into College and cause the same amount of destruction it did last year! I've already planned my shopping list and preparations for going back to College, I am excited to go back but I can't stress to you how much panic I am feeling right now. I feel like I'm about to go for brain surgery... and this is 3 months before College has even started! I am definitely going to need some sort of sedative on the open day, taster day and the first proper day there, I won't be able to handle the shame from last year.
Even if things do go pear shaped again, I know how to find appropriate help instead of relying on College this time, so it shouldn't effect relationships with the College. I am so determined and will not give up, I want to keep at it until I get that diploma, even if it means re-taking 10 times lol! I am just so scared...
Uhhhhhhh
Panic attacks only last a few minutes...BULL!!!
I do feel I am getting better But
I Feel Embarassed asking this...
Feel alone. I need someone to talk to.
Suffering from anxiety, depersonalization, and panic attacks, desperate to get my life back and feel like my old self again!!!
