Saying a hi again!

[sammy77]

I used to be active on this site and disappeared...im back again but though I may be Quiet I wanted people to know about me as I hesitate to talk to people and feel comfortable conversing via email...I have been pleased by the responses received from papyrus-uk and samaritans following this email-

Hi

I trust everyrhing I type here would be kept 100% confidential. Iam a 36 yr old man who pretty much achieved everything at a reasonable age. I had loving parents but dad had to work abroad to bring in home the money since. I was 10. As I was the eldest of 3, I used to help mum around the house.care for my younger bro and sister..it all started when I was 13. A cousin of mine,who was roughly double my age used to come aNd do the odd jobs every week.he stayed in my bedroom and the sexual abuse commenced.he was a big strong lad and I found it hard to resist.this went on for 5 years after which I had the strength to oppose him.but as a result I was left with shame guilt anger poor performance at school but strived very hard to get through my secondary education and get into University.the abuse thoughts had gone away but I experienced the following.hatred of my life, thoughts of despair and being useless.My behavior drastically changed.I will be affectionate to everyone at one point and then get physically aggressive,sometimes beyond control resulting in breaking things at home.hurting my brother and sis. I wanted to give up and planned x3 suicide attemps(hanging on a ceiling fan,the fan fell off,didn't have the strength to jump of a cliff or in front of a train though I took myself there). Since then something in me said to keep going.I was 23 by this time. I started coping by drinking but concentrated on academics got a masters degree and a good job.got married 8 yrs ago and have lovely young children. Iam in a highly responsible job for a leading health company...Well,though I had everything,I noticed that I was starting to show some signs of stress....I was very tired,exhausted,poor concentration,starting to feel isolated,stopped enjoying things what I used to do.starting to get very snapy,sometimes aggressive throwing things around,almost like my teen aggressiveNess has returned.still had to go to work as being the breadwinner,didn't have anyother option.I started relying on drink to cope and sleep and saw the GP who confirmed a diagnosis of clinical depression and started me on medications. The horrible ride in my life started but even worse(since Oct last year 2012). I started hallucinating,totally withdrawn,out of reality,confused,still drinking...could go 5-6 days with hardly any sleep.GP thought my depression was getting worse,so my dosage was increased. But above symptoms got very worse....I became actively suicidal losing hope in everything.several A&E admissions in Dec Jan,with overdoses,the last being on Easter day following a lethal cocktail requiring treatment in the ICU. As a result of all this my wife resigned her job as she couldn't run her job at our house due to my MH condition.I was discharged from hospital under the crisis team now followed by the local mental health team.. My wife is now fed up of me. She is getting depressed as well.I have some very bad flashbacks and serious episodes of anger.I really feel that I do not love myself anymore and hence can't love anyone.it is such a horrible feeling because I do love my boys but another time I feel so isolated that I even keep away from them.I am having on and off suicidal thoughts but I have watched some videos on YouTube on the consequences and cannot see my kids in this stage. I am fed up of being in a relation and equally I do not know if I would be able to take care of the kids in this mental state. Iam planning to leave and go and find work in a different country to reduce thoughts on bitter memories and iam planning. Are there any organisations providing support and advice for couple with children separating due to MH problems.I have had enough blaming,naming and faulting from my wife. She thinks I'm acting up....how horrible is this. I just want to leave and try to live....I don't want to die! I read talking helps,so does sending an email.I do feel little relief after typing this email on my slow mobile handset!

Thanks for reading!

[Hidden]

Hi Sammy

This was a read & my heart went out to you as I read your blog

You have had more than your fair share of things happening in your life , but at the same time have achieved so much as well

I relate to escaping with the bottle , but we both no that doesn't hold the answer

I no you talk about escaping to a different country , but I believe we will still take our problems with us if we havnt dealt with them , as these thoughts & feelings come from within , & people , places & things , are not the solution to finding peace within ourselves

I am still on the road of anxiety & learning to deal with it & like you I want to live again & be happy

Please don't give up , talking is good & you no you can talk on here & people understand , I am pleased you have blogged & I hope with more suggestions from members & support you will be able to move on

Love

whywhy

xxx

[Hidden]

Hi Sammy

My heart also goes out to you.

On the other side i was a partner now ex of someone with anxiety. I did everything i could to help him. Yesterday he told me he was moving to Scotland tomorrow. Another job etc. He is running away and i dont see how its gona make him happy being there. He got a few choice words of me. It cant be helped. Its frustrating. I cant do anything now. and to me its closure. I cant see him settling up there. He lived there before and moved back to the North. If it was all that he wouldnt have left in the first place................he is a dead man walking. No emotions, nothing just a shell. Please think carefully on your decisions. You may feel void but it is your family that will be hurt. x

[Hidden]

He also said yesterday that he loves no-one. His Mum is poorly and he is walking away from her. x

[sammy77]

Whywhy and Lou,thanks for your thoughts on this. I know going abroad won't help bury the feelings. I did give up with drinking but I have started again as unable to cope and very reluctant to go back on meds due to the side effects. Not loving me is mainly is due to the shame and guilt.and it doesn't mean that I'm heartless! I have no energy dealing with anything...even breaking up with my wife.

[Hidden in reply to sammy77]

Sammy , it seems you need some help

Believe me I no you said you don't want to go back on meds because of the side effects , but the drink is not the answer , that will be just another huge problem to add to the rest

I don't think you are heartless at all , you seem very low with this & it can make you feel numb

I hope that you get some help , sooner rather than later & I am sure those feelings are there , just anxiety has taken over at the moment & I no that feeing

xxxxx

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

I also understand that feeling when you don't feel you love yourself , until we do , its very hard to love others , we hate ourselves blame ourselves & feel we are not worthy of been loved

I hope you find a way not to blame yourself for this , the things that happened to you , you didn't ask for them to happen , this illness you didn't ask for that either , pleas remember that

xxx

[Hidden]

Hey Sammy

The loving bit i totally get as my ex felt guilt etc. No-one said you were heartless. Again he has no energy. NOTHING!!. No emotions. He didnt even seem upset that he was just up and going and moving away, doing all without my knowing. Maybe one day he will open his eyes and see what he put me through..............just that one day is too late for us. I hope you find some kind of peace somewhere. x

[Hidden]

Hi sammy sending big hugs to you

I had a breakdown last year and can relate to pretty much everything you say above. There will always be triggers wherever you go. I know this as I have tried to run as hard and fast as I could over the years but constantly being on high alert and fearful is exhausting and add to that the shame and guilt and turning all this inwards makes us ill. Has anyone mentioned emdr to you? It's a therapy available on Nhs and its not a talking therapy. I was having flashbacks and nightmares and thought I was going crazy. The therapy helps process the images so that they become memories and not current threats. I was really ill last year and would wake up curled in a ball and the pain was unbearable but with this therapy I now have peace in my head. I have small children and a husband and when I was really ill I felt disconnected and then felt guilty as I had no idea how I felt about them or myself. Things won't go away without help hun it will follow you snapping at your ankles but emdr whips things into shape it really does.. I am now in a good place. I take mirtazapine which is a mild sedative too so I get quality sleep now and it helped to prop me up whilst in therapy. I hope this helps love eve x

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Just to add that I had immediate relief with mirtazapine and I know everyone is different but I've found it very helpful. I don't feel numb and am still in control but it helps with anxiety and depression. I have been on prozac and citalopram but had to come off these as the side effects were horrible. please ask for the help you need and deserve none if this is your fault and you can get better. My head is now lighter and much more peaceful. My heart goes out to you Love eve x

[sammy77]

Thanks to whywhy,Lou and eve on your responses. I totally agree alcohol is not the way forward.I have to make a conscientious effort to give up drinking and will be using addaction if I need more help.re: meds, I have been on citalopram,sertraline,mirtazapine and dosulepin and did not respond well to any of these drugs.just experienced unpleasant side effects along with worsening of the depression. Mirtazapine did give me a good night sleep but suffered from severe dissociation. I have never heard of emdr and thanks to eve on that information.I shall certainly look into this. Thanks to all the lovely people on this website who take thw time to respond.

Sam x

[Hidden in reply to sammy77]

Try to be kind to yourself as much as you can. Eat little and often and drink lots of water this helps too. I used alcohol and other props too so I do understand but it's not effective long term it's just destructive. When we experience trauma the feelings associated with it become trapped and triggered by lots of things around us. The brain can't process trauma effectively so it becomes trapped. Emdr helps the brain to process the traumatic image and the physical response attached to it. Look it up when you get chance take care hun xx

[Hidden in reply to sammy77]

No I hadn't heard either about emdr , it does sound something that would be a real benefit to you as well from what you have said , please look into it

Maybe make no rash decisions on your future as yet , & the drinking , please , a day at a time , put it down , it wont help

Let us no how you go on

xxxx

[sammy77]

I have looked on emdrassociation.org.uk/home... and definitely sounds interesting to be tried.whywhy,I would try to give up on the drinking,maybe with some help.I will keep everyone posted how I get on! I'm human and love the words from whywhy to take things a day at a time.thanks people!

Sam x

[sammy77]

Just read this and how true:

Proverbs 23:31-35 NLT

Don’t gaze at the wine, seeing how red it is, how it sparkles in the cup, how smoothly it goes down. For in the end it bites like a poisonous snake; it stings like a viper. You will see hallucinations, and you will say crazy things. You will stagger like a sailor tossed at sea, clinging to a swaying mast. And you will say, “They hit me, but I didn’t feel it. I didn’t even know it when they beat me up. When will I wake up so I can look for another drink?”