I used to be active on this site and disappeared...im back again but though I may be Quiet I wanted people to know about me as I hesitate to talk to people and feel comfortable conversing via email...I have been pleased by the responses received from papyrus-uk and samaritans following this email-
I trust everyrhing I type here would be kept 100% confidential. Iam a 36 yr old man who pretty much achieved everything at a reasonable age. I had loving parents but dad had to work abroad to bring in home the money since. I was 10. As I was the eldest of 3, I used to help mum around the house.care for my younger bro and sister..it all started when I was 13. A cousin of mine,who was roughly double my age used to come aNd do the odd jobs every week.he stayed in my bedroom and the sexual abuse commenced.he was a big strong lad and I found it hard to resist.this went on for 5 years after which I had the strength to oppose him.but as a result I was left with shame guilt anger poor performance at school but strived very hard to get through my secondary education and get into University.the abuse thoughts had gone away but I experienced the following.hatred of my life, thoughts of despair and being useless.My behavior drastically changed.I will be affectionate to everyone at one point and then get physically aggressive,sometimes beyond control resulting in breaking things at home.hurting my brother and sis. I wanted to give up and planned x3 suicide attemps(hanging on a ceiling fan,the fan fell off,didn't have the strength to jump of a cliff or in front of a train though I took myself there). Since then something in me said to keep going.I was 23 by this time. I started coping by drinking but concentrated on academics got a masters degree and a good job.got married 8 yrs ago and have lovely young children. Iam in a highly responsible job for a leading health company...Well,though I had everything,I noticed that I was starting to show some signs of stress....I was very tired,exhausted,poor concentration,starting to feel isolated,stopped enjoying things what I used to do.starting to get very snapy,sometimes aggressive throwing things around,almost like my teen aggressiveNess has returned.still had to go to work as being the breadwinner,didn't have anyother option.I started relying on drink to cope and sleep and saw the GP who confirmed a diagnosis of clinical depression and started me on medications. The horrible ride in my life started but even worse(since Oct last year 2012). I started hallucinating,totally withdrawn,out of reality,confused,still drinking...could go 5-6 days with hardly any sleep.GP thought my depression was getting worse,so my dosage was increased. But above symptoms got very worse....I became actively suicidal losing hope in everything.several A&E admissions in Dec Jan,with overdoses,the last being on Easter day following a lethal cocktail requiring treatment in the ICU. As a result of all this my wife resigned her job as she couldn't run her job at our house due to my MH condition.I was discharged from hospital under the crisis team now followed by the local mental health team.. My wife is now fed up of me. She is getting depressed as well.I have some very bad flashbacks and serious episodes of anger.I really feel that I do not love myself anymore and hence can't love anyone.it is such a horrible feeling because I do love my boys but another time I feel so isolated that I even keep away from them.I am having on and off suicidal thoughts but I have watched some videos on YouTube on the consequences and cannot see my kids in this stage. I am fed up of being in a relation and equally I do not know if I would be able to take care of the kids in this mental state. Iam planning to leave and go and find work in a different country to reduce thoughts on bitter memories and iam planning. Are there any organisations providing support and advice for couple with children separating due to MH problems.I have had enough blaming,naming and faulting from my wife. She thinks I'm acting up....how horrible is this. I just want to leave and try to live....I don't want to die! I read talking helps,so does sending an email.I do feel little relief after typing this email on my slow mobile handset!
Thanks for reading!