Where do I go from here

[Davidws]

All my life i have been depressed. Resentment I think i have anxiety and maybe ptsd.

I recently got married a few months ago. 3rd marriage. Anyway it's not a traditional marriage. She is 26. I'm 50. She is a close friend and had no health insurance. We got married so she can have insurance.

Our friendship grew and our love grew deep. Not in a romantic way. She likes women. We would spend one day a week together. Everything was going great. Our love was deep.

Then la few days ago she time me she was thinking about dating a man. Of course I got extremely jealous. I was under the impression she wanted women only. Complete shocker.

I laid into her on text. Basically told her our marriage is finished. That if she is going to date a man, then it should be me. It's not really I want to be with her.

The issue is that I don't have a romantic partner. I was sad she might be developing something and I have nothing except her friendship.

Now she said she needs space. She told me she still loves me. She still considers us together. We were planing trips over the summer. She says she still wants thst. However I hurt her and she said she does not like me right now.

She needs space. In my chaotic head, I have so many questions. Space as in she needs time to let the anger go or space to think about she wants to move on without me? Our marriage will be a paper one only. I will not divorce her. She needs my insurance and her life expectancy is another 20 years

Before I met her I spent the last 3 years shut off from the world. I closed down. Went to work and just watched TV. I was depressed, however it was a constant level. I could live with it. I adapted to it.

She brought me out of that place. I was happy. I was enjoying life. The work day was so much easier. Now that she needs space, all I see is the end of our friendship. I see me going back to thst place. I don't want to go back to being shut off from the world.

It makes me very sad to go there. If I lost her, i truly feel that i have nothing left to want me to stay alive. All I have is work. I have no friends. My kids moved away and barley talk to me. It's just me. That's a very lonely place to be. It's awful.

At night when I'm falling asleep I think about all different sort of ways to die. End the pain. The most common scenario is throw myself in front of a fast moving train. Very quick.

I see a psychiatrist on mo day for meds. Help with my mood swings. Start therapy in May. She knows this and is happy about that.

If I lose her, what's the point of meds and therapy. I still end up with nothing and have nobody. I have no desire to enter into any sort of relatiinahip with a woman. Nothing but heartbreak.

Also at what point does this become emotional abuse from her? I apologized and owned up to my mistakes. I told her I'm getting on meds and going to a therapist. I'm taking the right steps to get healthy. For her to say she needs space, not being able to talk to my best friend is gut wrenching. At so point I think this is abuse by her. Knowing I'm in pain, I need to talk to her. I want to make this right, or try to. We have a long talk, and either move forward or separate.

I believe in communication. I knkw aome people need time to think. For me I like to work it all at at once or move on. For me, the world is balck and white. Anything innthe gray area is ambiguous. I don't deal well with ambiguity. It's awful. I need answers, not be in a place with confusion and uncertainty.

I feel I'm in emotional hell right now. I don't see a way out. If I do have a way out, what's left for me on the other side? Just going to work and being alone.

[b1b1b1]

I am assuming she has some sort of life limiting illness, such as an auto immune problem, etc. You did a very nice thing by providing her with medical insurance and being willing to continue it with no strings attached. I think with 3 marriages, and poor relationships with your children, you do need a psychiatrist on an ongoing basis.

Can you improve the relationship with your children--or try to do so?

As to your anxiety about ambiguity--everyone feels this to some extent. Anxious/lonely people feel it much more. I have this issue as well, so I understand it. Possibly your psychiatrist can help you with it.

As to your wife-it is sad. She seems to feel that she can have her cake (ie. the insurance) and eat it too (ie. date other men). Again, you should try to resolve this issue with the psychiatrist. I would suggest, however that you do not let her take advantage of you for a protracted period of time. You will feel worse about yourself if you do. Set some reasonable time limit for her to make a decision. You will ultimately have to decide how you want to handle the insurance, and whether you, yourself want to remain in the relationship, as well.

There are some additional standard suggestions, but they do have value. Take up a sport. Ice skating is good and many adults do it. I know this because I started figure skating when I was 50. Ice rinks tend to be fairly friendly. Try to find other groups to join. It is difficult, but it may help.