I've been saying this for a while myself; we've trauma bonded and our relationship is unhealthy. The problem lies in the fact that I don't have many people in my life I am close to: a best friend and my mother. I rely on my mother for most of my social interaction.
Her counselor just told her that our relationship is unhealthy and we need to set boundaries. She said that she needs to talk to me about how often I'm allowed over, how often we're allowed to visit each other, talk, etc.
I know our relationship is unhealthy, but I don't think this is the right way to fix it. With her still with my abusive father, our trauma bond is going to be very hard to break. I feel the best way to heal this problem would be to go to counseling together; not cut contact. It'd be especially easier to heal for both of us if she wasn't still with my father.
I've worked in the mental health field myself in the past, but I'm no therapist or psychiatrist. I just know that when she works out what these boundaries are, it's going to be very, very difficult for me and I'm afraid of my depression and anxiety relapsing into something unmanageable.
I'm in a job right now where I can't have breakthrough depression, go into a unit, etc. I also don't want to, but when I get bad, my psychiatrist and counselor tell me to seek company of others often. The other thing is that the mental health unit reminds me of my father's abuse and it triggers me immensely and my psychiatrist and counselor have agreed that mental health units are not healthy for me mentally.
I'm upset at the thought of losing contact of my #1 support person, leaving her alone with my father and what might happen when I don't have as much interaction with others. I'm afraid of what's going to happen as well.
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LifeisLikeGarden
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I also feel that you should not reduce contact with your Mother. You love each other, help each other and feel safe and happy with each other. I agree also that that going to a psychiatrist or therapist together would be a great idea. There are not many people to really be close to, and when you have someone that you are very close to I think that relationship should be cherished.
Why is your Mother unable to leave your abusive father. If you don't feel comfortable answering that is OK too. x
My mother has threatened him with divorce, but she says that she’s been with him so long and that she’s afraid of being alone. She also has health problems and requires some extra help at times. I’ve offered to take over that for her. I make more than my father, I’m a frontline worker and he often makes really bad healthcare decisions (she and I both don’t have him on our living wills, specifically stating he doesn’t get to make decisions). I’m glad other people feel the same about the subject; I don’t think cutting contact is the proper way to ease out of a relationship like this. Feels like the way to start a dumpster fire…
First things first, hi! It’s nice to meet you! You’re in a safe place, and while I’m not on here very often, I’d be more than happy to talk to you. My first piece of advice to you is that you should communicate with your mother that you would like to do counseling together. It could be a part of when you guys see each other. If she is not OK with that, then you have to respect that. It’s her counseling time, and while I know you want to be a part of it she hast to utilize it in the way that she sees best to fix herself before she can worry about fixing others. Are you seeing a counselor now? I recall that it said that you have talked to, but are you seeing one currently? What kind of advice have they given you? I am getting ready to hop into a meeting, and I will respond after, but off of the hip I just want to say that maybe your first step should be to find ways to add to your circle. I don’t know how comfortable you are with doing so, but there are lots of options for you. You could visit a nursing home and visit the elderly who have many times no one to visit them. You could volunteer at a school, daycare, etc. You could volunteer at an animal shelter which my heart always melts in an animal shelter. There is such healing power there. Church could possibly be an option, that is such a welcoming community and you could get involved in some things at the church and just tell them that you want to participate and become an active member. I will touch base on a lot of the other stuff after my meeting , but a first step for you is let’s see if we can find a positive way to increase our circle. There’s also community theaters that are looking for volunteers to help with painting sets and helping kids run through their lines and all kinds of stuff. Do you think that that would be something that you could consider?
If your mother isn’t willing to have a joint counseling session with you with her counselor, would she be willing to join you in your counseling session with your counselor if you’re still seeing one? Maybe she doesn’t wanna give up her time, but maybe she would be willing to join you. I think it’s good that you both recognize that the relationship is toxic. Leaving a toxic relationship is so incredibly hard because we as emotionally bonded people can’t imagine living, breathing, functioning without that other person who is both our security and A source of grief or anguish in someway shape or form. On the one hand they allow us to heal because we have the comfort of their familiarity, but on the other hand they rip the wounds open further because of the toxic in the relationship. When we initially get around them it feels so much better and the stress that we have built up between the time that we saw them last to the time that we see them currently releases because you feel as though you’re in this safe place with a person that you relate as being one of your people or your person, but in all reality that has the opposite effect as well because of the toxic relationship where it actually keeps the wounds from healing. I’ve been in relationships that I found so hard to let go of, and it normally took something big for most people to finally break that toxic bond. More times than not it’s such a bad occurrence that it not only breaks the toxic bond, but it breaks the bond entirely. It’s your mother, and I know how much she means to you, you can feel it in your post that she is very important to you. I know that you don’t want that bond to break to a point where it cannot be reconciled. If you form the boundaries and say we are only going to meet certain times a week then you have to mentally emotionally and physically prepare yourself for what you’re going to do with the now free time that you have. My advice to you is that you need to fill that time with everything positive that you can. Walk, join a gym, start reading self-help books that are geared towards whatever you’re facing and what kind of trauma you’re working through. If you don’t read, there’s YouTube videos that you can watch just try to keep everything positive and upbeat. Continue to talk to a counselor. Reach out and try to find people that you can be around. If you’re not comfortable with the introduction peace of meeting new people then try to volunteer at the animal shelter, go to bingo someplace you can sit by yourself and play bingo. Bingo is normally something that is to help raise money for something else, so volunteer to help sell tickets if that’s where your comfort zone is. You can look at benefits that are going on in your community and call and offer to come and help sell tickets. It’s gonna make you feel good to do something good for somebody else when you’re feeling bad about your own life. I don’t know what your traumas were in your household, with your father or stepfather, and I don’t want to assume, or say something in regards to that because I don’t have enough information. So in a nutshell, encourage her to do counseling with you, but go ahead now and start preparing for what you’re going to do to take steps to spend more time away from your mother. I think that you don’t have to let her go but you both recognize that it would be better for you to find ways to exit out of the toxicity in the relationship. Until you can figure out how to do that, spending less time together is probably best. The more time you spend together, the more you increase the chance that you will form and or maintain the codependency. Anytime you start to feel down in anyway I want you to write down what thoughts are going through your head. If it’s things that people have said to you, things from your past, Things that Havehurt you. Then I want you to write it down. I was married to an abusive narcissist who put me down all the time and did and said these most horrendous things. It took me years of counseling and study and self-help to get myself back to the person that I was before that relationship. I had counseling, and read some amazing books and self-help things, and ended up studying. One of the greatest things that I have found is in addition to doing the work to uncover your trauma, meaning the questions to figure out why you. think the certain thoughts you think, and why are you feeling the certain things that you feel. Doing the work to answer those questions for every single thought that you have is a little time consuming, but it is extremely beneficial to break each one of those thoughts and feelings down, but the other piece to that was the positive affirmations. I can’t speak to your trauma because I don’t know exactly what your trauma is, but I can speak to positive affirmations. If you write down any negative thoughts that you have. For example, if he called you stupid, idiot, worthless, no one‘s gonna love you, etc. If those were words that were said to you and the negative thoughts that you had in your mind …. write those down on a piece of paper. Next to each of those words you would write down the exact opposite so instead of stupid you would write smart instead of idiot you would write intelligent, instead of worthless you would write worthy. On a separate piece of paper you can write it down or you can just remember those positive words and as you’re taking the walk or working out or when you’re having your bad moments you repeat these positive affirmations the whole time you’re walking. I am smart I am intelligent I am worthy I am worthy of being loved IAM competent I am loving I care about people I am smart I am intelligent I am worthy I am worthy of being loved and you repeat the affirmations over and over again the whole entire time that you walk. Why is that important? Because for every negative thought that you have it takes 10 positive thoughts to undo it. When we go through trauma those negative thoughts repeat in our head over and over and over again and what you feed your brain your brain believes and eventually will believe to be a truth so for all of the negative thoughts and feelings that you have you have to feed your mind and feed your body these positive things . I really don’t know if I’m helping you at all And I feel like I’m rambling, but I just wanted to touch base with you. I will keep you in my prayers. I’m using voice to text because of limited time, but I hope you can understand this message.
Hi, I hate that you are going through what you are going through but insisting someone else go to your therapy won't help either of you. Your mom has to work through her stuff her way and if her counselor says setting limits is what she needs then you have to support that.I can't speak for why this is suggested but I know that when I was in an abusive relationship my counselor had me start setting healthy limits with those closest to me to help me learn to set those same limits with my abuser (something I was unable to do due to the fear and trama). Maybe by setting healthy limits with you she can gain the courage and confidence to set limits with everyone I. Her life.
Unfortunately for you at this moment, you have to choose. Support your mom and help her on her path by accepting her limits (keeping a relationship) and find a different path to your recovery or ...
Focus on what you feel you need from her and create conflict with her to try to get something from her she can't give right now.
Bonded by trauma is a solid bond but usually neither side can get through the trauma only leaning on the other side. You each need to heal yourselves separately so you can be in a place to be there for the other in the future as that kind of trauma has a way of creating up again and again.
It's hard and I see a lot of people in this group supporting you so you won't be alone. Keep seeing your counselor and I suspect he or she would not recommend you staying so tight in what even you described as an unhealthy relationship.
Thank you for sharing. I agree with you instead of lessening time together, work on going to counseling together. Is your mother open to that idea? I will be praying for you. Hugs and God Bless
I have been through this, like I could have wrote this post myself 5 years ago. I fully understand from the depths of my soul how hard it is to have a bond with someone (trauma or not) and feel derailed by boundaries or sudden losses. Just like you, I didn't have many people to turn to, and I felt unprepared for the changes my mom was going to make on our relationship. I also relied a lot on my mom for guidance on social interactions and the boundaries she set with me, forced me to become afraid of learning how to protect myself.
My father was also abusive, and she defended his behaviors, making me worry about her safety and whether I should just ignore the whole conversation, and that was another tough situation for me to digest. Also, similar to you, I asked for her and I to go to therapy together, and she agreed. However, what happened in therapy put me down a spiral, and made the whole situation worse for me.
While I am not you, and you are not me, I wanted to share how my story worked out, since my view is very different now then it was when the situation first occurred.
When my mother first proposed boundaries, the fear for me came from (similar to you) having to let go of my #1 supporter. But in letting her go, I learned how to advocate for myself. We discovered a new bond that gave us both a happier and more incredible experience when we were together, rather than the constant dread and worry we both had in the past. What I learned was that I was trying to protect her and be responsible for her life, and in doing so, I was making my mental health worse. Due to my constant protection, her relationship with my father was strained and miserable. As he was being neglected by my constant presence, he was acting out in emotionally abusive ways because it was all he knew how to do. He watched us both get healthier and it in turn made him start healing himself. This was an amazing thing to see, since he was a raging lunatic while I was growing up, and now he is the dad I always wanted in my childhood.
When I look back, the hardest part was shifting my beliefs that I was responsible for my mom, that without my mom, I would fail, and what if she never comes back again. These beliefs were the root of our trauma bond, and it ultimately made us unhealthy for one another. The new reality for me is that we are only responsible for the choice, actions, and feelings that belong to us, and others for are responsible to themselves.
A therapist told me in the midst of my separation and mental torture, "How can you ever learn to be free if you are constantly limping with a heavy chain strapped around your ankle? How can you truly get uncomfortable enough to motivate yourself to transform your life if someone is always right there to make it all better? We are our own best friends, and everything that we want in our lives is on the other side of everything we fear losing. But what if I told you that when we lose something that is actually meant for us, it comes back to us better than it was before?"
Ya I was a bit salty about these comments at first, but now I wish I could find this therapist and thank them for braving my temper and saying the things I needed to hear, whether I liked it or not.
This therapist also told me that my situation was common, and the work would be challenging, but the reward would be more incredible then I could imagine in that moment. I don't know how I got the courage to get myself up from the ground and find a new life, and I promise you it wasn't the therapists or my friends who tried to commiserate with me, but I know for a fact that I did it, and I never looked back. Sometimes, I need someone to push me off the ledge, because I may be afraid, I may fear the fall, but I always find my wings and I learn how to fly.
Right now, this might be scary and overwhelming, and I fully know that feeling well, but from someone who has been through a very similar journey, I am excited for you and what this will do for your life. I feel like letting go is the secret to getting motivated to transform and heal what isn't working for me, and maybe that will mean something to you or maybe it won't. When I let go of what isn't working in my life, I find all that I missed about myself and others. I believe in you, and I have faith that you will come through this challenging time, and find so much joy in your new relationship with yourself, and with your mom (maybe even your dad). It only takes a small step forward to change everything that feels broken, into the beautiful, bold and brilliant people we truly are.
I agree with you and I am very sorry that you and your mother have been victims of your father's abusive ways!
In my opinion, cutting contact with your mother is not good or safe, especially given the fact that your mom still lives with your father.
Would it be possible for you to meet with your mom's therapist alone or with your mom?
It seems necessary to find out from your mom's therapist details about all recommendations, instructions, steps and plans.
Having your mother as your only friend is not necessarily unhealthy in all circumstances. It's an unfortunate fact, but it doesn't mean 100% that it is something unhealthy or toxic.
In fact, it is a blessing to have your mother alive and it is a blessing that you two are close.
Bad things happen to people in this life and not everything in life is ideal for everyone.
I recommend to try hard all your life to establish good relationships with other people and also to continue your relationship with your mom and do therapy continually too and ask God for help.
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