Worried all the time.

[Winterhart]

I am not great at talking with people, so posting is hard for me. I have been dealing with abuse from my family for a really long time (Since I was 4).

Sexual (It is over he is dead, but it still bothers me), physical, and mental. I finally got away from them 2 years ago.

I am simi in therapy, but it is with a temp place and I am struggling. I feel like no one really hears me. And getting help has been like screaming into the void. My meds can only help so much. It is hard to be this depressed and have situational agoraphobia, plus C-PTSD and Anxiety.

I want to make friends, but I fear people. I just do not know what to do. Mentally I stopped aging at 18. Just do not feel like an older adult. I want to be happy, but I feel so trapped. I spend most of my days worried about one thing or another. My greatest of these is that my family may find me again. I am just so stuck in place. Any thoughts are welcome as long as they are kind.

[Sunshine-daydream]

hi winterhart, I am so sorry you went through that much abuse. I was also abused by my parents. I was sexually abused and emotionally abused. I understand and I hear you. I am not sure there is ever a complete recovery for that. Therapy helped but it brought back alot of repressed memories. I don’t want to remember anything else. It was a long road but I forgave both of them. I call my father once a month , he is elderly and my mom died. Talk to me anytime, and there are many others on this site who are kind and have been through it. Sending a hug🫂🌹

[Winterhart in reply to Sunshine-daydream]

He was my step Father, I think he did it to my Daughter too, but she will not tell me. I have no forgiveness to give him. That is between him and who ever he believes in.

But with my Mother it is harder she was mentally abusing me right before I even left for where I am now. And she is elderly. My shrink says she is a narcissistic abuser. I really do not know what that means fully.

I never knew someone from ones own family, and a Mother at that, could hurt her own child. I am sorry yours was by a Bio parent. Why are some parents so evil? Maybe some people should not have children? Sometimes I wish I would have been put up for adoption.

I wish none of this had given me mental illness. But my Shrink says all of the ones I have are from this. It is hard to stay pos

itive about recovery when I can trace it all back to my family and now that my younger Brother is gone I have no real family to speak of as they are to dangerous to be around.

Thank you for hearing me. I normally feel very alone in this. It was nice to be heard. I spend so much time alone worried about what people will say or do if they find out I am mentally ill.

[Starrlight in reply to Winterhart]

I hear you. I have had much trauma too and can relate to missing our little brothers. I think you are strong and brave. You deserve good things. There is a PTSD community here in healthunlocked, btw. ❤️✨

[Winterhart in reply to Starrlight]

Is it for PTSD or C-PTSD I have C-PTSD. My little brother died of Cancer. I miss him dearly. I think I am still trying to get through that as well.

[Starrlight in reply to Winterhart]

I think both.

I’m sorry about your brother. I miss mine too ((((((((((hug))))))) yes, we may be healing all our lives from tragedies like ours.

[Winterhart in reply to Starrlight]

My brother was the glue that held us together. He made the older ones accountable for their actions. He really was a good soul. I never thought he would be the first of us to go.

I know to some it may be harsh, but I have no love left in me for the rest of my family minus my own child. Not even my mother. The betrayal was just to much to bare in the end.

I wish you did not lose your brother. Losing a good member of your family is twice as hard as you are left with only the bad ones.

As far as healing goes, I know I am stronger than I think I am, but being alone in this all the time has taken a toll on me. I wish that it was easier to find a therapist that specializes in C-PTSD and agoraphobia, but many where I am do not want to take me on. I have no behavioral issues other than crying a lot. I do not lash out and am pretty calm when not dealing with anxiety attacks. I do not know maybe they just do not have training in what I have?

I just wish that all I am doing would pay off in finding the help I need.

[Starrlight in reply to Winterhart]

What you are doing IS paying off even if you don’t see it yet. Trust the process and don’t give up. I really wonder why therapists don’t want to take you on; everyone deserves help and chances and healing.

[Winterhart in reply to Starrlight]

They have never told me anything other than they can not work with me. It is very weird. I mean sometimes I can understand with certain mental health issues. But I do not think mine are all that rare or taxing.

[CL3V3R-G1RL]

Hey there Winterhart

Sorry to hear about the abuse you have suffered from. I do not know what it is like to be sexually abused. However I do know its affects it can have on people. My dad and his brothers and sister were sexually abused or attempted. They were also Physically abused by their step father.

They all suffered greatly and none of them have healthy relationships. All of them have abused alcohol and drugs at some point in their lives to numb the pain.

My dad wasn't a great dad. Had a lot of short comings. But in his own way he does love me. I like to think in a parallel universe, where my dad wasn't abused, he would be a pretty decent man who ends up being a great dad.

It is hard to recover from anxiety and depression when you don't have a support system. That's why I believe community is so important for recovery. But its hard when you don't have friends and family either blood related or not to help.

I know the struggle to find a therapist. I went through hell calling and emailing people just to get the old "ooh we don't accept that insurance." Ironically I found a psychiatric nurse Practitioner faster than I did a therapist.

I will say this technically you do have a behavioral disorder. That's what Anxiety is listed as because it can be cured. But you also have complex issues like sexual abuse and cPTSD Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Most therapist are starting to become more Familiar with it. But some don't know of it.

The problem could be they are not trained in that area or they feel like you aren't willing to deep dive and put in the work to get better. So they just cut you lose. Not that im.saying your a bad patient. Just what I have Been told.

I asked my therapist when I first met her if she had any patients that she cut lose or fired and why. She told me she only had 1 patient she let go because she just reach the end of her line. She tried different techniques and this patient wasn't willing to try and there wasn't much she could do with this patient and advise them to seek therapy from someone who might be a better fit for them.

However with all that said I do believe therapy does work, its just having to keep plugging away in calling and finding that person who fits you and specializes in cPTSD, sexual abuse, and agoraphobia. Try psychology today that's where I found my therapist. After reading through bunches of pages.

Sending love and hugs to you!