I'm new here and am worried

[hayrikki]

I am a middle aged man whom to everyone else seems fine. (At least that is what the feedback is). The truth is I am not fine inside. I have hated myself for as long as I can remember. I always feel extremely awkward and like I do not belong. I want to bury myself in a black hole when I am out in public, which sometimes is a lot of the time. I have been to counseling quite a bit. I have depression which doesn't lessen with meds at all. I like to please but always feel I don't accomplish that. My story is a very long one which I shall wait to see if this is a place to really share more. Thanks for reading this

[Hidden]

Hi Harikki and welcome to the site. I think we all understand what you are talking about and many of us experience this.

Why do you hate yourself? Why do you try and please other people? Do you try and please yourself as well? Sorry for the questions but these sprang to mind when reading your post.

This is a very good site where we all support and help each other, so stay around and hopefully you will be able to tell us a bit more in time. x

[hayrikki in reply to Hidden]

Thanks for the reply. Long story on the hate issue. suffice it to say that my mother beat it into me, literally. I have worked ad nauseum on the "issue" and have extreme difficulty emotionally with it. I logically understand but that isnt working. The same issue drives me to please others. I just want to be liked (loved seems so so much impossible) but I am never good enough, in my mind. It is more than difficult to please myself because of the hate.

[Hidden in reply to hayrikki]

Hi I have emotional difficulties too and I am around your age. About a year ago I came across Childhood Emotional Neglect and this rang so many bells for me. I may be way off beam but have a look at it and see if it helps.

Also have a look at Psych Central as they have lots of stuff on there from CEN to narcassistic parents and so on. x

[hayrikki in reply to Hidden]

Thank you for the suggestions, I do appreciate it. I have read that book a couple of times. Like I mentioned, I can see things logically but internally, emotionally it hasn't changed. I feel like a 7 or 8 year old emotionally sometimes. Chaos is something that frightens me terribly. That is what I experienced. I am getting past it.

[Hidden in reply to hayrikki]

I was given some very good advice once from a counsellor. She said allow yourself to feel the emotion instead of pushing it back down. I have been trying to do this and to some extent have been successful.

Can you start doing this a bit? I am surprised you aren't doing this with your counsellor as that's what they are there for. They provide a safe place to explore your feelings and emotions. If you can't do that with them then maybe you need either a different counsellor or a different type of counselling. There are lots of other types. x

[hayrikki in reply to Hidden]

Yes that is what I am currently working on. I am trying to see it as it starts and acknowledge it. Just say "I see you that you hate me", with no judgement. It is so difficult. It seems like i am trying to talk to another person. It is me that hates me. I cant get past this.

[Hidden in reply to hayrikki]

It gets easier with time. You have lots of things to congratulate yourself about, not least surviving this long feeling so bad. That shows you are strong and a survivor like the rest of us. x

[Markyt in reply to hayrikki]

Hi Hayrikki. I've hated myself as long as I can remember too. This is mainly down to abandonment issues from my childhood. My parents didn't live me so I must be a horrible person. I feel ugly, can't take compliments and struggle with self sabotaging relationships. I live on my own and struggle every day. Sometimes I'm able to cope but other days I lock myself away and abuse myself with drink and/or substances. I'm 42, have given up on having a family/relationship because I don't see it happening. This wasn't helped by being cheated on by a fiancé 10 years ago. Which compounded the way I feel about myself. I don't know the answers but you are safe in that you are not alone. Here to talk if you want. Mark

[hayrikki]

Thank you. I feel empathy toward your situation, if that is the right word. I guess I am fortunate because I didnt get into substance abuse ( a therapist once told me she didnt know how I didnt get into it). However, it so frightening to face that self hatred by myself. Suicide seems like a good answer at times.

[Hidden]

Hi try replacing negative thoughts of yourself with positive ones. For instance when I am late getting out of bed I tell myself I am lazy. I then immediately tell myself well done for getting up at all feeling like this. I have done this so long now that it's an automatic reaction. It really helps me.

I know what you mean about suicide but every day I tell myself today isn't going to be the day I do it. This then takes the pressure off me and leaves me free to think about other things instead. x

[hayrikki]

Thanks so much for the responses. I feel like a permanent "negative nelly". My self hate is so intense that at times it has been debilitating. I am who I am and i am a self hating individual who wants to make others happy so they might like me. Pretty bizarre. I cant like myself but I want others to? That is why I am worried. I feel that I am going crazy.

[Markyt in reply to hayrikki]

Tried the suicide track, ended up being escorted to mental hospital by the Police. Neither a fun experience let me tell you!!! The drink/substances block it all out but then once sober again the self loathing is still there along with a hangover and guilt/shame of my actions. I know it's a no brainier (excuse the pun) not to but addiction is a whole other beast. Some days better than others and I always say never again, but once the anxiety/have appointments to go to/ money in hand, it all goes out the window. Desperate for change but unless I'm literally locked up in hospital I'm a danger to myself

[Markyt in reply to Markyt]

To be clear, I'm not advocating the use of substances/alcohol as a means of coping!!!

[Hidden in reply to hayrikki]

You need to stop pleasing other people so much and start pleasing youself. Why do you have to please others? x

[hayrikki]

I never took it that way!

[Justswimming]

Yeah we are all working on liking and loving ourselves... My mom use to leave me in stores when I was little and go home without me..she just forgot me..my family thinks its funny but it was scary and made me angry and I felt unloved...my father used to hit me for throwing up which today they would have diagnosed me with reflux I did it everyday until I was in 2nd or 3rd grade he caught the throw up once and poured it on my head..it took me until I was almost 30 to not cry hysterically every time I threw up..so welcome we are trying to do our best to fit in and again I think most people are not judging us as much as we think..

[nick933 in reply to Justswimming]

I know the feeling of being hate by ur own family...I used to get beat up by my dad when I ws a child that simply cos im being a naughty child...he also locked me out of our house at night...I remeber crying for hours at night scared and cold

[VanessaRuiz]

Hi,

I know the feeling of hating yourself for whatever reason. I am the case of the victim who blames herself for what happened to her and who hates herself for not being able to stop it.

My therapist adviced me to say these three words to myself on a daily basis, and I admit they have helped quite a lot:

I am sorry

I love you

Thank you.

Look at your self in the mirror and tell yourself you are sorry for the way you feel and for how much hate you feel inside. Tell yourself that you love yourself regardless of your flaws and finally thank yourself for everything you have done and accomplished in life.

Hope this helps, XO

[hayrikki]

Thank you. The self hate is strong and I have a hard looking at me.

[Mullinax18666]

I feel like a dark force enters me and controls my mind body and deep down my soul.