Why am I constantly worried about everything? Worried that if I say things on here people will think I talk to much or that I whine about everything. Worries have kept me up at night for well over 40+ years. It is like a hamster on a wheel, never ending.
I worry about what people will think of me all the time. Worry about what I should and should not have said. Worry about my Husband, about my cats, about my kid in Vegas. I have tried so hard not to worry that I end up worried about not worrying. It is exhausting.
All of it ends up causing more anxiety.
I am not able to be a "Pull yourself up by your boot straps" kind of person. I have a card that my doctor gave me to get marijuana and sometimes I do get some and those are the only times I do not worry, but I do not like taking much. And it does help greatly not to worry all the time. But I do want to stay sharp in front of people so I never use it outside of my home.
I just wish they had a way to take that part of marijuana and remove all the other side effects from it. and just bring out the positive ones. So many side effects of anything that you take for mental health really. All my regular meds have so many side effects.
I was on Seroquil for a while and that made me gain so much and made me diabetic. Won a class action on that one. I just wish before they gave it to us that they would iron all the bad sides out.
Thank you for reading. It is nice to be able to tell someone anyone what I think and feel without judgement.
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Winterhart
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hi Winterhart, I am always worried about so many things. I constantly worry about my adult daughters and they are fine. I think it has something to do with my traumatic childhood. I never felt safe as a kid and tried to protect my sisters from my mother’s nasty nature. I also use cannabis and a feel good movie at nights when my anxiety hits. It’s legal without medical license here , it really helps me relax when my arthritis is so bad I can’t sleep. Hmmmm I blame my parents as old as I am. Sometimes a quick text to your son helps ease those mother worries. I hope your more relaxed by now. It’s almost movie time here.😉 Feel free to vent….🫂
Now that I live in Washington state it is not illegal here, but at first I did need a state card where I use to live. It does help a lot.
Yes I never felt safe as a child either. Not from my Step father, mother or older brothers. When I was with my Nan I did feel safe. But she died when I was 23 and that old sinking feeling came back. The step father thing was done. I was to old for him now, thankfully.
But my mother kept her mental abuse up, she loved her many mind games and gas lighting. My older brothers loved to slap and be little me and she would instigate much of the discord. I found out after a while that she never wanted to have me. I wish she had let my Nan adopt me.
I find it strange how I thought I loved her. But when I was finally away from all of them, I do not love her at all. I would not say I hate her, but I have no love nor care for her at all. Before I left she conspired with them to take my pets, make me homeless and throw all my belongings in the dump. I never felt so betrayed. But I should have expected it.
My doctor says that I am not to blame, but it is hard to feel that way when your much older. My doctor says I only felt loyalty and love for her because it was a way of coping with what I could not face, which was that she did not have anything good instore for me.
I am living alone now, I find it hard. She taught me no life skills at all. Imagine learning almost every thing from youtube videos. Cleaning, cooking, doing laundry. My Husband also helped me to learn new things. I felt so ashamed for not knowing how to care for myself. Things are much better in that respect. And my Husband even likes my cooking and takes 2nds. Everything I know is from Videos and my Husband. He is my rock.
But still there is that part of me that is angry at what a so called family did to me. I do not even know how to drive and she made me think it was a scary thing so I fear even learning.
Mentally I am not my age, I guess I act a bit younger. Nothing people my age do interests me at all. It is all kind of boring. I guess I am about at the age of 18 mentally. Just trying to learn to do as much as I can. School was hell for me. Between bullies , a TBI and 2 learning disabilities, I quit after 3 years of the 9th grade. I tried to go back and take the GED, but I just could not do it.
Now I just want to live my life and never see that old life and the old life's people ever again. I want to get better for me.
Thank you for sharing. My mother was not well,mentally. She was often very manic and she acted childish and cruel. I learned by the time I was 6 not to cry in front of her, and to take the blame for my younger sisters. I also learned to run and hide from her screaming and slapping. We lived with my nanny and poppy. They showed me love, my nanny died when I was 7 and poppy moved to Florida. I grew up in NJ and was depressed for the first time.
I am 64 and seem to be stuck at a teenager. I started drinking heavily and doing lots of drugs at 14. I feel like an insecure kid most of the time. I watched my sweet Aunt and her children and I knew what mothers are supposed to do. I used to search the house hoping to find out I was adopted. I had a huge drinking problem and drugs right under their roof.
Married 40 years and my husband taught me how to be physically affectionate with our babies and whatever my mother did or said , I did the opposite. Constantly becoming a better mother by watching others. 15 years ago, kids out on their own, I ran. We moved to CA. and my daughters were married here. I send them texts with hearts and love before I go to bed many nights. They are far more self confident and social than I could ever be. They and my grandkids are my only real family. I won’t be going back east again.
I think we did the best we could and will continue to heal . I hope you have peace more often than anxiety and lots of smiles. 🫂🌹
In a way it is nice to know I am not alone in having a horrid family. But I wish you did not have to go through that as well. I am finding more and more that many people seem to have horrid childhoods at the hands of their own families.
It is so weird though. My Nan was the sweetest woman. How on earth did she raise such a horrid daughter? My mum was just pure venom. Just a snake of a woman. I do not understand how with her wonderful (and trust me it was wonderful) life as a child and teen. Did she grow into the hateful mother. She was wonderful to my brothers, but not to me.
I wonder what it was about me she hated so much. I think that is one thought that keeps me up at night.
I can sympathize with you. My parents could never connect with any of us emotionally on any level. It messed all three of us up badly. My sister ran into marriage, ny brother was a wild child and i cracked up mentally and have been in therapy for many years. Things dont have to be physical to mess you up big time! None of this was your fault your therapist is right and continually thinking why she treated you that way wont help you at all. She sounds like a manipulative narcisist. Acceptance is first thing that has helped me move forward. You cant change the past. Dont waste your time on it.
Oh I know she was/is a narcissistic abuser. All my therapists and Med doctors have stated that to me many times. I mean who would do that to their child for 52 years if not a narcissist? But it took a while for me to see that.
My doctor says I had a form of stockholm syndrome.
And I guess now that I am no longer under her or my brothers' care I am starting to come out of it. It is so hard to do this and I was doing it alone.
I did not wish to burden my Husband, but he said he would love and not judge no matter what and he said if I could not talk to him, that I should find somewhere I could vent, but online diaries open you up to non understanding people. Here seems very different.
You are right and I am sorry you and gillyflower and many of others here share the trauma of childhood abuse. But it’s good to share it with others who had a similar childhood. Our stories aren’t exactly the same , but we are left as adults to cope with life and having a family. Most important is that we break the cycle of abuse. I am always trying not to get stuck in the past, you can’t heal that way,it causes anxiety, depression which is part of our adult lives. This forum has supported me through the worst depression episodes. I hope I can be there for you and anyone else who suffered traumatic childhoods. Have peace, you deserve it.🫂🌹
I think so too. So many of us were left to pick up the pieces of our own lives. Some were better off than others, but having people that I can talk to (Type) is more help lately than any of you will ever know.
As I type this I am having a small anxiety attack. They took me off Trazadone to put me on a sleeping medication, and now my GAD is showing it's ugly face, but knowing what is causing it is easier for me to try and calm it down. Tomorrow I will get more marijuana and micro dose it away again. Till then I will try breathing slowly and reading a book to calm me.
The one thing that has been hard for me lately is finding joy in doing my crafts. I use to love to crochet and make jewelry, but I find that I just do not seem to have any motivation to do it. Have any of you felt this way and if so how do you get past it? I do not wish to force myself, as that would make it into a chore and no longer something I love to do.
hope your day was better than mine. I have alot of arthritis pain today and got stuck in a depression. I wish there was a way to just stop the depression. I have had daily pain for so many years, and I learned how to cope and enjoy life. Depression sucks the life out of me.
When I am depressed I don’t enjoy anything, I don’t want to read, or work on a puzzle. I never had a creative hobby like yours. I used to go through pictures and make photo albums with quotes from my favorite songs. Now I just want to throw things away like bad memories. Thanks for sharing and listening. I really don’t share with anyone. You are a good, kind person. 🌹
I never thought I was kind . My family always called me selfish because I wanted help with my mental illness. My older siblings said I was faking it. Yep faking 54 years of mental illness. That is so able to happen. I wish it was fake that I could sleep.
Yes I hear you 100% on arthritis. That is life as we age. I have it as well. Being in pain constantly is hard on depression. When you are already down, pain can make it worse. Where is your arthritis? Mine is in my lower back where I broke my tail bone.
Yesterday was a good day for once. I am sorry you had a horrid day. Ups and downs are part of depression. When I get outside with my Husband (Which is the only way I feel safe to leave the house) my depression goes into hiding. My doctor says that is do to the influx of Sunshine. Guess it is great for mood. When my Husband is home we try and sit out in the sun for 20 minutes. I admit I do feel a bit better after.
I never had a problem with reading. It is the only think that gets my brain to shut down the worries before bed. Have you ever tried a hobby? I find they are great for taking up time when my depression is not at an insane level.
They say as you age depression can deepen. I do not know if that is true. I have always had it and never have known life without it. But I do everything within my power to not let it rule ever part of me. Do you use distraction techniques? I write in a diary. Sometimes that helps me when I am depressed. There are many ones online that you can learn that can help. Depression is not my major diagnosis, mine is C-PTSD. But I went through so many classes. I found that meditation is something that helps me a bit. But sadly nothing is one size fits all.
If you ever need something to help let me know. I know many ways to help with depression and things you can do so you do not fall down a dark hole. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me.
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