Help for a broken man

I have lived through 18 years of abuse physically mentally told worthless not amount to anything waste of oxygen and a mistake and worse beat to point of waking in hospitals after leaving home and trying to deal with i joined the air force. But I managed to do as I was told I would and messed that up. Turned to drugs to try and quiet and ended up in jail with a felony. When I got out I straightened up and met a girl. One who I fell in love with. One who I felt was piecing me back together well engaged and two weeks before wedding came home to find her and best friend in bed together. Then and there decided to much cruelty I would go alone. Not helpful I found ways to teach myself my life my fault. Multiple jobs later and moves later. I found a point where I was 45 and thoght maybe people not what I assumed found or was found by an perfect woman well my luck 4 months later 1500 dollars a phone with pla to be ghosted. Turned to a site to quora to help with advice give advice where another lady approached and helping me just to ask for money. I must attract a special breed of people and wonder if there are sincere people anymore. I have now come to see love = pain loniness is numbness pain is my companion. Please dint get me wrong I blame no one for my life but me it has been my faults my worthlessness bringing me where I am. But even after all this I start to see it has to be me. I want to change. But so much wrong with me so late in life. I'm so exhausted so spent. I tired of looking for what is wrong with people to keep from being hurt. I just falling into deeper depression to know I have no way to break my cycle I can't trust so I won't get hurt I can't share because I can't trust. My life has made me not as much shy but so anxious around people I don't even leave my room anymore other than to work. Anyone with advice. Is free to offer I new here and figured I just get this off so maybe someone out there with real advice might help. If you are here to hurt it's okay I quite used to it . Just don't know where to start and I hope maybe they're are real people with kindness willing to help. If not it is fine I figure im screwed up enough for lifetime and may not be worthy of anyone s time

[LifeIsThePitts]

Welcome. There are many lovely supportive folks here of all ages willing and ready to support you in your healing. I'll make this brief the community is full of information that might be helpful for you 😉 read through posts and reply. I've got a few posts on my experience recently.

I've been where you are now. I'm 50 and letting you know that you can get better. I am a testament to coming back from the bottom. You're here because you want to heal yourself. That's a grand place to be.

[Hidden in reply to LifeIsThePitts]

Thank you

[catsrock]

I'm really sorry for what a hard time you're having. You have come to a good place with lots of supportive people.

[UglyDuckling546]

I am so sorry you have had to go through that, no one deserves to be hurt like that, I know it's hard to belive but not everyone is like that, you need to find your people and I am confident you willPlease feel free to reach out if you need to talk

[Arabianhorselover]

Hi. I am 64, and have struggled my whole life starting in childhood. I have dealt with so much anxiety and depression plus Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. So I somewhat know what it's like. I hope you find the support here that you need.

[OldestSibling]

I have discovered through psychotherapy that none of what I thought of myself is true.

A good counselor will help you sort through it all and help you challenge your thoughts and realize how your thoughts affect every aspect of your life.

I really hope you can find someone that can help you work through this.