All the beauty that is I reach for

[Starrlight]

Happiness. I am letting go of what i think my life is supposed to be like and celebrating all the beauty that it is-right now. There is so much beauty to notice, to capture and let into our lives and deep in our hearts. Let’s let go...

Forgive.

I am working to get past a nagging feeling that tells me there is something so wrong with me that I am lower than others. With how wrong my life appears to be and may look to others. Why do I care? I don’t want to care anymore.

I forgive

I try so hard but maybe there’s too much I’m trying to change and maybe i can trust that I can go with the flow and stop pushing so hard, just to be... tired of feeling I have to rush on everything and change and fix so much along with the shame and guilt that takes me spinning out of control and then I’m still not good enough at the end of all my work...

Forgiving myself now and starting over now.

I’ll try to get to where I feel good enough being me. I typically feel paranoid like people are constantly critiquing me but it’s probably only a projection of my childhood when adults were so critical of me so I am beating up on myself... I want to unlearn that. I’m working on accepting myself and my life as it is. It’s not easy. Yet. I pray for guidance for us all.

[Ddorne]

Yes!

[Starrlight in reply to Ddorne]

😊

[Poodie]

Hi Star.

That sounds like a perfectly wonderful idea, just like you! ❤️

[Starrlight in reply to Poodie]

😊 🙏

[Reallife72]

You said this so well. I don’t know your age but I definitely understand about the criticizing parents and the effect it has on a person. I have worked so hard all my life not to be that way towards anyone. I need to brain dump right now if anyone is awake

[Starrlight in reply to Reallife72]

I’m 43 and it still affects me. You need to talk?

[Reallife72 in reply to Starrlight]

Hi starrlight. Thanks for replying. I am 48 and it still effects me too. All this covid stuff has me re-evaluating my life and future. I was having a hard time falling asleep last night and just really wished I had someone to talk to. I have the most wonderful husband. I have dealt with anxiety and depression since my mid 20s when I divorced my first husband. I have many many things to be grateful for in my life, but I still suffer from things in my past. I recently became an empty nester and I have no idea what to do with myself.

[Starrlight in reply to Reallife72]

Can you talk to your husband? If you are like me you try not to bother others but I think those who love us would want to hear and lend help where they can.

Ive had anxiety always and depression since a teen. I see on your profile that you have bipolar... me too, bipolar 1. It’s so up and down with emotions that don’t match what’s going on outside of my brain, ya know?

I don’t work... and so I wonder what will become of me later...

i can only imagine having my boys move away... it must be so difficult...

If you can get the motivation try a new hobby or a new way of exercise. Is there anything youve wanted to get into?

[Reallife72 in reply to Starrlight]

Thank you. My husband, as wonderful as he is, doesn’t really understand my anxiety and depression. On the other hand, he has good coping skills when it comes to his own. He has hobbies and does those things when he needs some distraction from his anxieties. I do talk to him about how I wish I had “something”. All these years the kids were what kept me busy. As soon as the youngest started driving and became less dependent on me, I could tell I was beginning to struggle. I do sell things online which provides me something to do, but since I don’t rely on that income I have a hard time staying motivated. Do you take anything for the bipolar? I do think the lamictal makes me feel flat a lot of the time. But, I don’t think I will ever stop taking it. Sometimes, I think I could just lay on the couch and watch tv all day. Because of my husbands job we have moved a lot... and it’s hard for me to make friends. I’m always afraid they will want to know about my past and pass judgment. Even though I know everybody has their own pile of stuff that they deal with.

[Starrlight in reply to Reallife72]

My kids are what keep me busy also. But I love running watching movies gardening but I get really unmotivated.

For bipolar I take lithium.

It’s hard for me to make friends too since an introverted person with social anxiety. But a few good friends is ok I guess.

I see what you are saying but I feel like if someone is going to judge for my past that’s just not right on their part. Yo uh are right everyone has something they have buried and don’t want to share.

[Reallife72 in reply to Starrlight]

I used to run some, nothing serious, but for exercise. I just walk now. I broke my foot last year and have a plate and screws now.

I have the social anxiety too. It all comes with the territory I guess. My husband is my opposite. He is very social and never meets a stranger. Do you notice any effects of the lithium? How long have you been taking it?

Are you in a part of the country that has been hit hard with the virus?

[Starrlight in reply to Reallife72]

Awww wow I’m glad you can still walk.

I’m not sure about the lithium but I’ve been taking it for years and haven’t had a manic episode since and it has neuroprotective properties for the brain.

I live in Northern Virginia so less struck with the virus than New York at least but I’m not really sure about numbers.

[Reallife72 in reply to Starrlight]

I am not sure if lamictal has the same neuro properties. I’ll have to look at that. I know mood wise it was the best thing that ever happened to me and I was very thankful.. we are in middle georgia. We were at pax river in December. That was my first time there

[Starrlight in reply to Reallife72]

That’s great that lamictal helped your moods. I don’t know what lithium is doing for me but i hear that in Japan they put it in their water 😳 Oh I think pax river is near me. Georgia sounds like a nice place to live... makes me think country peaches 🍑

[crowningglory19]

That is beautiful and well said! Thank you for that encouragement! God bless you and give you joy! When the waves are rockin' ride the wave. <3

[Starrlight in reply to crowningglory19]

Thanks. I could use that joy,... I have been dwelling in the past today it’s got me insecure...hope you are well Crowningglory!